For the past two weeks, I’ve been working on my “tightening up” pass, rereading every chapter closely and snipping away excessive details and commentary. I’ve reduced my novel so far by 5,223 words, with only four more chapters left for this pass.

Next week, I’ll go through the Novel Editing Workbook, which has an excellent checklist for microediting. Then, I’ll run my book through ProWriting Aid and see what suggestions it makes, paying close attention to my syntax. (My editor thinks my sentences need a little more variety.) Once I’m done with ProWriting Aid, I’ll reread the memo from my editor to make sure I didn’t miss anything big, and then I’ll take a break.

After a break of at least two weeks, I’ll reread the manuscript aloud, do some final proofreading, format, design a cover, and then phew, it’s time to publish.

This is going to take time but IT IS SO TEMPTING TO RUSH THESE FINAL STAGES OF REVISIONS. I started the first draft of this novel in July 2022 and thought I’d be done by now, but the 2022-23 school year kicked my ass and sucked up a lot of my writing time. After spending so much time in the hospital after my dad’s emergency brain surgery last February, I’m proud of myself for getting this far. Still, I’d love to publish my second novel, Once Upon An Anxious Mom, before the end of 2023.

But am I rushing myself? Or am I just cracking the whip to keep up motivation and momentum because I know there’s only so much time and energy I can invest in a novel?

if I finish my ProWriting Aid pass by October 15, I can take a break for three weeks and return to work on November 6 (after my personal motherhood Olympics of Halloween, Julian’s 8th birthday, and the school carnival). Then I can finish proofreading the manuscript by December 10 and have it published by December 15. This would be an ideal timetable, because then I can go on a nice long break for the Christmas holiday and after the kids go back to school, I can either record my first audiobook or write the first draft of my third novel.

But I don’t want to rush just for the satisfaction of hitting publish and sharing the news on social media. And I have to remember my buffer! Shit happens. The kids will get sick at some point. I’ll get sick. If I impose an artificial deadline for publishing this novel by December 15, I’ll drive myself bat shit crazy.

Yet the temptation is so strong to push through and be done.

I’m going to have to pay attention the next few months and balance my desire to FINISH THIS BOOK ALREADY with the realities of motherhood. As eager as I am to be done, I don’t want to publish a book that I’d only give a B+.

This blog post is a big dump of all the things currently working for me in the wellness department:

50 Mg Zoloft: Every morning. I am paying attention to my PMS and might chat with my psychiatrist about increasing my Zoloft toward the end of my cycle.

30 Mg of Mirtazipane: At bedtime

Morning Supplements: Vitamin D, Vitamin B, and Fish Oil (and I need to get better about taking my Vitamin B. I have a “genetic mutation” that decreases my brain’s ability to process Vitamin B, so I should be taking my vitamin B also after lunch and dinner.)

Evening Supplement: Calm. I mix a half teaspoon of the powder with a little hot water and drink it before bedtime.

Weaning off Caffeine: I’m down to 32 ounces of Coke Zero in the morning. This is a huge reduction from where I was two months ago. I’m reducing slowly, one ounce every day or two, to avoid the crankiness of caffeine withdrawal.

Very Little Refined Sugar: Basically, sugar fucks with me. When I told a friend that I’ve basically given up refined sugar, she said I have tremendous willpower. I don’t. I just know how lousy it makes me feel, and I don’t like the sugar hangover or sugar insomnia.

Almost Zero Alcohol: I have never been a big drinker. These days, if I drink, it’s wine, probably white, and I can go weeks or even months between a glass. Alcohol makes me sleepy but also interferes with my sleep, so as much as I love a good glass of wine, the effects are too rough for me.

Hot Yoga: 2-3x a week.

Tennis lessons: Once a week, and so much fun. It’s great cardio.

Walking: I aim for 12,000 steps on the days I don’t do hot yoga.

Journaling: Almost every morning. Occasionally I skip on the weekend.

Tracking: I’m using the Lose It app to track what I eat. Not always. But often enough so I eat consciously and intentionally.

Crochet and Cross Stitch: One or both, every day.

Blogging: Yep! Blogging counts as a self-care tool if it boosts your overall wellness.

A monthly massage: I’m so privileged to have the time and money to do this. In fact, I’m getting a massage in one hour!

And a monthly facial: I get my massages and facials at Massage Envy, but damn, gas and food are so expensive. I might switch to a bimonthly or quarterly facial.

Slowing Down and Volunteering Less: No PTA. No room mom’ing. No AYSO coaching. It’s sublime.

Duolingo: Motherhood can be slow and boring. Where’s the intellectual challenge in chauffeuring your kids to school and activities? Learning French keeps my neurons firing!

Revising a novel: I’m a writer, so if I don’t write, I feel bat shit crazy.

Cleaning our house: There’s something very satisfying about cleaning a room.

Decluttering: Slowly but surely, I’m reclaiming our house.

Fresh air and time in nature: Of vital importance to my soul.

Reading: I’m a bookworm! I was reading a lot more audiobooks than actual book-books, but recently, I’ve been taking the time to read, and only read, in the late afternoon or evening. Audiobooks are great, but I feel compelled to do chores and clean when I’m listening to one. Sitting with a book is so relaxing.

Bullet Journaling: My weekly bullet journal spread keeps me sane and organized.

I’m sure I’ll think of ten more things to add to this list as soon as I hit publish, but this is enough for now!

In mid-July, I challenged myself to write fifty weekday blog posts in a row to see what happened. I wrote the first post on July 18, 2023. Now it’s September 26, and I’m writing my fiftieth weekday blog post in a row – woot woot! I did it!

So what next?

First, I few observations about the past fifty blog posts:

• It’s much easier to do something every day than occasionally. At the beginning of the year, I challenged myself to write 23 blog posts in ’23. Between January 1 and July 17, I wrote FIVE measly posts, and it felt like a struggle to write that many. Now I’ve written fifty-five posts, and the last fifty felt easy.
• When I do something every day, I build MOMENTUM and it takes less energy to get started. But when I only write a blog post every month or two, it takes a lot of mental effort to sign into my website, think of an idea, etc.
• I like blogging!
• It doesn’t really matter to me if anyone is reading this blog or not. This is a practice that I do for myself.

Going forward, I’d like to continue blogging every weekday–so long as it works for me. If it starts to feel boring or stressful, I’ll take a sabbatical (maybe forever!) But right now, I’m enjoying this practice and it’s fun to see what topics my muse gravitates toward for posts.

This blog and website is a tool for me to get really comfortable with being my authentic self. Yesterday, I added a page for Bucket Lists. I thought about that for a loooooong time. I wanted to add the Bucket Lists page, but felt self-conscious about putting my schemes and dreams out into the world for anyone to read. Now the page is started, and I feel like I can really dig into my love of projects and lists and see where it takes me.

I have a lot of ideas for regular posts:

• A monthly roundup of books I’ve read
• Updates on my upcoming novel
• Progress on my 23 in ’23 projects
• More bucket lists (sooo many bucket lists)

But I’m still figuring this out! After blogging for fifty days in a row, I thought I’d be out of ideas, but no, the more I blog, the more ideas I have for future posts.

I’m also contemplating tackling something else for 50 days in a row. Maybe 50 days of TikTok videos or Instagram posts? But I don’t want to stretch myself too thin on the creative front. And having finished 50 days of weekday blog posts, I’m going to take at least a few days to enjoy the achievement before I jump into the next one.

It’s 2023 and I’m 44 years old. Yes, I’m a little late to the blogging game, but who cares? I’m learning to trust my muse, and right now, she wants me to keep on blogging.

In no particular order, these are movies I want to eventually show my kids:

1. The Matrix
2. The Goonies
3. Superman
4. Jurassic Park
5. The Sandlot
6. The Sound of Music
7. Freaky Friday
8. The Muppets
9. The Secret of NIMH
10. An American Tail
11. Charlotte’s Web
12. Up (I think they already saw this with my parents, but I want to watch it with them, too!)
13. The Dark Crystal
14. The Parent Trap
15. The Wizard of Oz (we’ve seen a stage version but seriously, my kids need to see this)
16. The Neverending Story
17. Shrek
18. The Gnome Mobile
19. Popeye
20. Short Circuit
21. Mrs. Doubtfire
22. Pee Wee’s Big Adventure
23. A Christmas Story
24. Men in Black
25. Independence Day
26. Singing in the Rain
27. March of the Penguins
28. Who Framed Roger Rabbit
29. Westside Story
30. Edward Scissorhands
31. Beetlejuice
32. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
33. Big
34. Raiders of the Lost Ark
35. Swiss Family Robinson
36. Megamind
38. A League of Their Own
39. The Karate Kid
40. Bend It Like Beckham
41. Hocus Pocus

And I’ll keep adding to this list as I think of more movies that I want to share with Pippa and Julian.

It’s the first day of fall, and the kids don’t have school, so we took a walk at Descanso Gardens and reveled in the change of seasons.

It’s the perfect place for rambling with kids. There are lots of paths through wooded areas, and the kids felt like adventurers, wandering down unmarked paths–and I didn’t have to worry about getting lost in the woods and becoming a story on the evening news. (Area Mom and two children last seen in Angeles Forest; hope wanes as rescuers call off their search for the night.)

(I would not do well if I ever got lost in the forest and had to spend the night sheltering beneath a tree with my kids.)

The leaves have not yet changed color, but I spotted early signs of summer’s decay. I renewed our membership at Descanso, which was a good choice, because within two minutes of our arrival, they were both begging to come back soon.

I have a pocket full of acorns, and my heart is full from our time in nature. Our walk at Descanso was the perfect way to welcome the first day of autumn and methinks this will become a lovely annual tradition.

After lunch, I read the kids a couple of fall poems. They humored me, and actually seemed to enjoy the poems; but after two, they were DONE. But I sat and quietly read one more poem by Keats, and man, I forgot how much I enjoy poetry. I loved it when I was in elementary school, but my high school teachers beat the joy out of it, and then my college creative writing professor took the mangled remains of my joy out into a dark alley and shot it in the head.

Okaaaaaay, maybe I’ve been listening to an unhealthy amount of true crime podcasts.

But to recap: nature is magical, and poetry is too, and I’m so glad we intentionally and consciously marked the autumn equinox. My inner Druid is satisfied.

Autumn is here! First, I reflect on ways to welcome the change of seasons. This is what I’m planning to try tomorrow:

• Take the kids on a nature walk and look for signs of summer leaving and autumn arriving. Hopefully we can find some acorns and pinecones. Update: we went to Descanso and found acorns!
• Bust out my pumpkin scrub and pumpkin body butter from Trader Joes and enjoy the fall aromas during my shower while scrubbing away that dead summer skin.
• Read a few autumn poems.

Then, since it’s autumn, of course I need a new bucket list:

• Here’s my thought process about why a Fall Bucket List is good for me.
• Here’s my Fall 2023 Bucket List
• And here’s my Fall JOMO List, all the things I will NOT be doing this year (or possibly ever)

Finally, the book I keep mentioning is Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski. It is soooo freaking good. I’m nearly done and excited to reread all the passages I highlighted.

Have a lovely Autumn Equinox!

Yesterday I shared my 2023 Fall Bucket List. Today, I’d like to share the things that are NOT going on the list this year.

1. Any pumpkin-spiced drinks at Starbucks. I’m cutting back on refined sugar and caffeine, so I I’m just not craving these drinks. (Sacrilege, I know.)
2. Any of the Halloween events at Disneyland.Too damn crowded, and too freaking expensive.
3. Apple picking at an orchard. We have our own apple tree.
4. Go on a hayride. Waaaaaay too itchy, thank you very much.

5. Go to a football game. I don’t need to cheer while men batter each other and damage their brains.

6. Bake pumpkin seeds. The kids have made me try this so many times, and they never taste good.

7. Read a spooky ghost story. My tolerance for ghost stories is very, very low. I can basically handle Casper. Anything else keeps me up all night.

8. Diffuse fall oils. Essential oils are not my jam.

9. Gorge myself on candy corn. I’m too old to handle that much sweetness.

10. Visit a haunted house. My kids are just a little too young. My 7-year-old especially. We’ll save this for when they are teenagers (and by then, they won’t want to do things with me, but I can always force my husband to go.)

Ok, technically it’s a few more days until autumn officially starts, but the temps have been dropping and neighbors are setting up their Halloween decorations, so I’m ready for my 2023 Fall Bucket List.

1. Visit Universal Studios. The kids and I have passes and we are slightly obsessed, so of course we need to see Hogwarts decked for the holidays. We went on Friday, October 13 and had an amazing time BUT HOGWARTS WAS NOT DECORATED FOR HALLOWEEN. NO EXTRA PUMPKINS, NO COBWEBS, NADA. There were some Halloween decorations up for their Horror Nights, but the Halloween vibes were very low-key. Oh well, we still adore the park and can’t wait to return.
2. Underwood Family Farms Harvest Festival. I’ve been taking the kids for several years and it’s one of our favorite traditions. We pick pumpkins, wander the corn maze, make crafts, and of course, watch the pig race. Another important tradition? Leaving Nathan at home. There’s almost no shade, and the man is part-vampire, plus he grew up in rural Nebraska. His dad’s a farmer. This event just drains him, so he stays home and does whatever, and we cavort with pumpkins. We went Sunday, October 1 and had a grand festive time. We started with face painting, ended with making scarecrows, and did just about everything else in between.
3. Trick-or-treating. Pippa already has her Mockingjay costume, and we are working on getting Julian a “black Spiderman” costume. How many more years will both kids want to harass neighbors for candy?
4. Visit the houses on Algeria in Sierra Madre BEFORE Halloween. The city of Sierra Madre takes Halloween very seriously, and this particular street takes it to a new level. We went there on Halloween 2021 and the kids were overwhelmed by the crowds. I still have a little PTSD. This year, we are going after school and wandering the street to admire the decorations before the big day.
5. Carve pumpkins.
6. Let the kids “blow up” the pumpkins with baking soda and vinegar after Halloween.
7. Take the kids to see The Nightmare Before Christmas at the El Capitan theater. (This is a reach. It’s only there for a short time and we have soccer, but maybe I can make it happen.)
8. Carved at Descanso.
9. Bake with pumpkin.
10. Decorate the house for Halloween. Done! We have a couple extra decorations I ordered from Amazon that are yet to go up because it’s been over 90 every day and I just can’t. But the house is festive and the kids had a blast helping me set everything up. They are Jedi Masters at covering our hedge with fake cobwebs.
11. Attend our elementary school’s carnival.
12. Go to Nebraska for Thanksgiving. (Flights have been reserved. Very excited to make this happen and create more memories with our kids.)
13. Bake a pie from scratch.
14. Take photos of fall foliage.
15. Pick apples from our tree and make apple muffins and applesauce.
16. Rake leaves. I made my first assault against the leaves on 10/15, but our trees are still full of leaves. There are many more raking sessions in my future.
17. Go on a family hike.
18. Give the kids an amigurumi ghost. (These are 99% finished. Just need to attach the bows and then give them on October 1. Pippa spotted me working on these and knows something is up, but I really want to wait for October 1.) I did this and the kids LOVE their ghosts. They sleep with them and over two weeks later, they are still thanking me for them. Talk about ultimate crafting satisfaction.

That’s plenty for now! I’m sure my Pinterest obsession will give me more ideas as Halloween and Thanksgiving approach.

My Dilemma: I love bucket lists but I am in a season of slowing down, healing, and savoring life. Can I have a Fall Bucket List and still heal from PTA Burnout?

Me: Create the Fall Bucket List. If you write all your ideas in one place, you won’t feel compelled to think about them all the time. You’ll reclaim the headspace.

Also me: But if I make a Fall Bucket list, that makes experiences that are supposed to be fun seem like items on a To Do list.

Me: So?

Also me: Then I’ll have a false sense of urgency and feel anxious about creating the perfect autumn for the kids.

Me: Or maybe, it’s about prioritizing. If you put it on the Fall Bucket List, it’s important. Then you’ll remember you can’t volunteer for a hundred things because you want to slow down and savor this autumn.

Also me: Are you just trying to justify the creating of a bucket list?

Me: Are you overthinking this?

Also me: We are supposed to be slowing down! Healing!

Me: I enjoy bucket lists about things I want to do. Why are you depriving me of this pleasure?

Also me: Because I don’t want unnecessary stress!

Me: You know what’s unnecessary stress? You overanalyzing the desire to have a Fall Bucket List.

Also me: You have a point.

Me: I enjoy projects and lists. For the first time in forever, I don’t have to organize soccer teams or room parents and hustle to get volunteers at carnivals and I want to savor the shit out of autumn.

Also Me: I want to savor the shit out of autumn, too, but I also want to heal from burnout.

Me: This is healing. You know what sucks? Running yourself ragged to satisfy the demands of the patriarchy, hustling for approval, striving for perfection. You know what doesn’t suck? PUMPKINS.

Also me: [taking a moment to tune in with my gut] You’re right. Let’s have a Fall Bucket List!

p.s. Here’s the 2023 Fall Bucket List.

First: I finally settled on a name for my second novel.

Could I get a drum roll?

Thank you! The title for the second volume of The Motherhood Circus series is…

Revisions are coming along nicely. Sometimes it feels like I do not have much left to do and other times, I feel overwhelmed by the items still on my To Do list. This is my current action plan for everything I need to do before I send my novel into the world:

• Excessive Details Pass: Tighten up the amount of details I give about characters and setting. During the first draft, I tend to skip the descriptive parts and then in later drafts, I go back in and flesh out the characters and setting. My editor pointed out that I sometimes get carried away and stuff in too many details, so I need to go back and fix that.
• Syntax Pass: I need to take a look at the length of my sentences and make sure I balance long sentences with short ones.
• Go through The Novel Editing Workbook to make sure I didn’t miss any big revisions.
• Proofreading Pass on Prowriting Aid
• Take a long break from the novel. I have plans to use this time to do fun shit. And by “fun shit,” I mean finish decluttering the damn house. But hopefully I’ll also have the time for a few hikes, some arts and crafts projects, and a trip or two to a museum. I’m aiming for at least a two week break, and if I can stand it, an entire month.
• Design the cover. I can actually start working on this now that I’ve finally settled on a title. I am allowed to work on this during the above-mentioned break.
• Another Prowriting Aid Pass. Maybe. At some point, this does more harm than good.
• Read the novel out loud.
• Format thinks like text messages and emails.
• Format for publication on Vellum.
• Publish!

Eep! I don’t want to jinx myself, but I think I’ll be able to go on break from my novel in mid-October and then, fingers crossed, publish it before the kids go on Christmas vacation.

Right now, I’m feeling good about my novel. Tomorrow, I might hate it. Then I’ll love it, and back and forth, until I finally can hit publish and stop thinking about the damn thing.