To some extent, I have put my life on hold for my kids. I feel called to do two things – be a stay-at-home mom and write – and those two callings do not mesh easily. At least, not in my current phase of life.

I don’t want to bore you with the details of my schedule, but long story short, I don’t get nearly enough time to write. I am doing my best to get all the writing time I can, because when I write, I’m a better mom. But I also know that this phase of my life is temporary. Julian will spend more and more time at school, and in two and a half years, he’ll go to elementary school with Pippa. Even if I continue volunteering with school, I’ll still have an abundance of time to write and exercise.

I’m just not there yet. 

In the meantime, though, I can’t put my health on hold. I have to put my calling to be a writer on the back burner because I am also called to be a stay at home mom to my kids (a calling which I do not expect every mom to have!), but my health must still be become a priority.

I have let my health slide this past year. Well, that’s not quite right. I have actually gotten much healthier over the past year – I’ve lost 45 pounds, my cholesterol is down, and my thyroid is working better than ever. I saw my doctor today and she’s extremely happy with my progress.

But I want to make more progress, faster. I’m forty, and after all the hormonal chaos of pregnancy and childbirth, I want to be in the best shape possible for menopause. I can’t just wait until Julian is in kindergarten to take the time to do the things that will make me physically healthy. That’s over two years away and that’s too long to put my health on hold.  

So today, I made five appointments to see my doctor every week for sauna treatments. (I’m starting this program in mid-May. I’ll post more about it then!) I’ve known that as I lose weight, I also need to sweat more to eliminate toxins, but I have not taken the time to do that. Now I’m making my health a priority and finding the time.

I did not have to look far to find the time. I have spent a lot of time volunteering with Pippa’s kindergarten. It was great. I enjoyed getting to know Pippa’s teacher and classmates. I’m going to continue my behind-the-scenes work as room parent, but I’m dialing back my hours in the classroom and using that newfound time to take care of my physical health. I’m not going to hit the snooze button on my health anymore!

I’m also going to start seeing my therapist every three or four weeks. I want to work on various self-improvement projects and I know my therapist will help me make better and faster progress. For a long time, I’ve been in a place where I did not need or want a therapist. Now, I’m in a place where I want and need a therapist, so I’m making that happen. Again, that means I’m taking the time I used for kindergarten volunteering and moving it right back into the column for Courtney’s Mental Health.

Pippa is disappointed. She has asked me when I’m going to volunteer at kindergarten again. I explained that I need to do some things to take care of myself so I can be the best mommy possible for her. She seemed to understand this. 

I was going to try to get through the rest of kindergarten before tackling my health issues, but my recent brush with insomnia has prompted me to reconsider my priorities and bring my health back to the place where it belongs.

I have to believe that I am a Good Enough Mom and not sacrifice my personal health in order to satisfy some impossible inner standard about what I need to do to pass muster as a mother. That belief starts with action. By making the appointments and time for my health, I hope to stop feeling guilty whenever I take a little time for myself.

I know people who had epic on-again, off-again romances. (Mostly in college.) I never had one of those romances, but I do have mirtazipane.

I’ve blogged about mirtazipane before, but here’s my personal timeline:

• I started taking mirtazipane in July 2013 when I was first diagnosed with postpartum depression. I took it at bedtime and it definitely helped me sleep. I wrote all about it in my memoir, Adventures with Postpartum Depression.
• My first psychiatrist yanked me off mirtazipane and Zoloft in February 2015 when I learned I was pregnant with my second child.
• When Julian was born in November 2015, I started taking Zoloft again. My new psychiatrist and I decided that I could wait on the mirtazipane.
• Three months after Julian was born, I started experiencing increased anxiety and insomnia. I tried to tough it out then realized I was being a martyr for no good reason. I called my psychiatrist and we decided to (1) bump my dose of Zoloft from 100 mg to 150 and (2) put me back on 15 mg of mirtazipane at bedtime.
• I took mirtazipane for a year or so and then my psychiatrist and I decided I was ready to wean off Zoloft and mirtazipane.
• I weaned off mirtazipane and was off it for several months but then, early 2017, when I made some dietary changes (quitting sugar, reducing carbs), I noticed a surge in anxiety at bedtime. Along with the anxiety came insomnia.
• I realized that I had been numbing some unaddressed anxiety with food, so I went back on mirtazipane for the rest of 2017. I did a lot of journaling to work through the anxiety and food issues.
• About six or seven months ago, in Fall 2018, I started weaning off mirtazipane for the third time. By the end of 2018, I was sleeping beautifully sans mirtazipane and assumed I did not need the drug anymore.

Whew. So that brings us through December 2018 and what I thought was the end of my relationship with mirtazipane. Then the insomnia returned in mid-January 2019 but it took me about two months to realize I had insomnia. Let me recap:

• First, my shoulder went out on January 13. I remember this because it was the day after I turned 40 and felt like a cosmic joke. Around that time, I started having trouble getting enough sleep. I blamed my sleep issues on my shoulder pain.
• Then, I had a cold. I took Tylenol PM and Nyquil and got enough sleep.
• Shoulder pain continued so when the cold was over, I blamed the shoulder again.
• Shoulder pain was brought under control, but I was still having trouble getting enough sleep. I would fall asleep easily enough but wake up and stay awake for hours and hours. Some nights, I’d be up from 2-5 a.m. Some nights, I was just up until it was time to start my day.
• I decided I needed to wean off caffeine. I always sleep better when I’m off caffeine.
• Another cold. More Nyquil.
• Finally, by mid-March 2019 I was fully off caffeine.
• But still, I was not getting enough sleep.

That’s when I took a deep breath and realized I needed to go back on mirtazipane. Which I did, and hot damn, I have been sleeping beautifully ever since. I’m only taking 7.5 mg, and that amount seems to work for me.

I did have a hiccup this past week. I’ve been off sugar since the beginning of 2019, but in honor of Pippa’s birthday party, I had a slice of red velvet cake and a scoop of ice cream. Then I slipped and started having chocolate every day. After about four days of this, I had a shitty night’s sleep. I slept six hours, woke up, and couldn’t get back to sleep. So later that day, when I had a tiny headache, I decided I “deserved” all the caffeine. Which I drank. And big shocker, I had another shitty night’s sleep. So the next day, I had even more caffeine to compensate. And total big shocker, I had a third consecutive night of shit sleep.

Yesterday, after three nights of crap sleep, I shunned caffeine and sugar, and lo and behold, last night I slept beautifully. I woke up to pee at some point during the night, but I got back to sleep within ten minutes. Bliss!

This is what I have deduced:

• I can splurge on sugar every now and then and still sleep fine. But if I eat sugar every day for several consecutive days, I will sleep like shit. (Fruit does not do this to me. I’m talking about refined sugar.)
• I can drink iced decaf coffee and still sleep beautifully, but I need to keep away from regular coffee and soda.
• I still need to take a small doze of mirtazipane at bedtime.

This leaves me with lots of questions:

• Why do I need mirtazipane to sleep?
• Is there some sort of PTSD lingering from the intense insomnia I experienced when I had postpartum depression?
• Or is there some other anxiety that I need to unravel?
• Or is this sleep issue related to some other health issue? I’ve been a light sleeper ever since adolescence. Is something going on?
• Are there additional dietary changes I can make to sleep better? I’ve quit sugar and caffeine, but what else can I quit? Or alter? Or add?

I don’t expect fast answers to these questions, but I want to pay attention, stay curious and figure this out. To that end:

• I’m seeing my doctor on Thursday morning to talk about my overall health.
• Then I’m seeing my psychiatrist on Thursday afternoon.
• I’ve emailed my therapist to set up an appointment. It’s been almost two years since I ended weekly therapy but now, I’d like to see my therapist every three or four weeks.
• I am planning on seeing a specialist to take about my thyroid. But this post is ridiculously long, so I’ll write more about that later. I need to read more about thyroid issues but sometimes, the thyroid can cause anxiety and insomnia. I am already taking a prescription for my thyroid, so I’ll be chatting with my doctor about that on Thursday.
• And I’m going to keep journaling because journaling helps me figure things out.

At the end of the day, I may just need to keep taking mirtazipane for the foreseeable future, and that’s okay. That’s better than okay. Sleep is the foundation of my health – physical, mental, intellectual and spiritual – and I’m not going to let any stigma about anti-depressants keep me from the sleep I need.

That’s the title of the book I need to read, right now, but I don’t think it’s been written. Damnit. Maybe I should start writing it now while I’m in the potty training trenches with Julian?

(Except as much as potty training is my story, it’s also Julian’s story, and I don’t want to publish a book that is literally about his poop, pee and penis.)

I have resented potty training and kept wishing that Julian was one of those children who magically trained himself. Yet the difficulties are actually good. I am learning so much during this poop-ridden adventure. For example:

• There is no single right way to potty train. Just as there is no single right way to parent. (How many more times will I have to learn this lesson. Approximately one thousand billion more times.)
• You have to do what works for you child. Not what works for your friend’s child; or what worked for your parents when you were a child; or what worked for the child you read about on social media. This journey is about your child and what your child needs.
• Shit happens and life goes on. Even when there’s poop in underpants.
• Sometimes you have to regress before you can make progress.
• It’s a big change and however your child feels about this particular change, they are entitled to those feelings.

Until recently, we were under a deadline. Julian was due to move to upper school at his preschool for camp, so he needed to be potty trained by early June. We have been making slooooow progress on the potty training front, but I was concerned we would not be in poop-free undies by June.

Then Julian’s preschool had a minor problem with asbestos, and the school has closed under summer’s end to make necessary repairs. For most parents, this is a big problem. I am completely sympathetic. But for me, the “catastrophe” of asbestos has actually been a blessing. We don’t have to rush and fight about potty training every day! We can relax. Instead of two months to potty train, we now have five. I know potty training will be conquered by Labor Day.

Of course, now that our potty training deadline has been extended, Julian will probably flip a switch and be ready for undies next week. But such is life. Sometimes, you just need a fresh perspective to make big changes happen.