In 2018, I lost 45 pounds. I lost those pounds by (1) exercising more and (2) eating better.

On the exercise front: I focused on walking. My doctor recommended 40 minute walks, so that’s what I did, at least 5 times a week. In July 2018, I also started doing Classical Stretch, a stretching and strengthening program on PBS. This year, I’m upping my walking game. Since January 1, I’ve averaged 11,110 steps each day. My goal for 2019 is to average 10,000 steps/day so it’s exciting to be so far ahead of my goal. I’m also doing Classical Stretch 5-6 time each week.

On the food front: I’m eating fewer carbs and much less sugar. I need to start eating more veggies.

I’ve lost 45 pounds, which is great, but I would like to lose at least fifty more. In 2018, I was able to lose a lot of weight by walking more and eating less sugar and carbs. But for the next 50 pounds, I have to do something more.

I have to tackle emotional eating.

I’m exercising and most of the time, I eat well. But my weight loss has reached a major plateau. And I know why: because almost every afternoon, without fail, I start to mindlessly eat food that I don’t actually want. If I can address this problem, I know I’ll lose the next 50 pounds easily.

I have an appointment with my therapist in two weeks. In the meantime, I’m going to pay attention, stay curious, and keep a food journal. Whenever I feel the urge to eat, I’m going to slow down, take a deep breath, and ask myself why. Why do I want to eat?

Am I hungry?

Do I need to eat?

Do I actually want to eat?

What am I feeling?

What am I not feeling?

What am I avoiding?

Why why why why why?

I have done a lot of journaling about my emotional eating. But I think what I need to do is pay attention to the emotional eating while it is happening. It’s one thing to devour 500 calories of stale potato chips and then, 24 hours later, speculate in my journal why that happened. It’s another thing to address the compulsion to eat stale potato chips before I lose control and go into the darkness.

I’m not exaggerating. For me, mindless eating is a sort of darkness.

It’s not exactly comfortable for me to admit that I have issues that need addressing. I came so far when I had postpartum depression, but I still have work to do. I feel the little nagging shame demons burning, so I want to blog about this journey. When I’m open and shine a light on my issues, they stop feeling big and scary and start to feel tiny and completely manageable. Part of me knows that I can handle whatever I’m trying to hide with potato chips. But another part of me is terrified because I’m going to have to feel my feelings and despite all the work I have done, I am still not at peace with my feelings.

It’s time for me to embrace my feelings.

(Right now, just the prospect of embracing my feelings – including whatever icky ones are coming up at 4 p.m. – is giving me the emotional equivalent of a fire drill.)

I already have a food journal. I’m going to keep it on the kitchen island this week and get into the habit of journaling, even just a few sentences, before I eat. Every time. Sometimes, like when I’m having breakfast, I’ll write that I’m eating because I’m hungry and need food. No big revelations there. But other times, well… I’ll have to see what comes up.

There’s a monster inside me that likes to eat potato chips and cookies at 4 p.m. but something tells me, when I keep the food away, I’ll discover the monster is not nearly as monstrous as I’ve made it out to be.