I started doing some work with my inner child last summer. I was inspired to do this work by Tiffany Roe, a therapist with a fun and inspiring Instagram feed. I wrote out long conversations with my inner child in my journal. Sometimes, I hung out with my five year old inner child. Other times, I talked with my high school self. The conversations were very therapeutic.

Then I got sidetracked with that whole distance learning thing and my curiosity led me in other directions.

But last week, I was at Target when I spotted a green Lucky Charms t-shirt. My inner child screamed, Yes! Get that shirt!

I got the shirt.

Then I spotted an enormous display of Lucky Charms at the grocery store. My inner child screamed, Let’s have Lucky Charms for breakfast on St. Patty’s Day!

My inner critic/judge/asshole said, No no no, Lucky Charms are too sugary. You can’t have that shit for breakfast. You are too fat anyway. You can’t eat that.

I considered the Lucky Charms display. Should I listen to my inner child or my inner critic/judge/asshole?

I put a box of Lucky Charms in my cart. They were my favorite “forbidden” cereal as a child. My mom bought Cheerios and Cornflakes. When I got to college, I felt absolutely giddy when I was able to buy my first box of Lucky Charms. But at the age of 42, I have learned from Noom that no food is forbidden. If my inner child wants Lucky Charms for breakfast, by god, that is what she gets! Today I had a big bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast. My inner child was absolutely delighted.

I am going to try to pay better attention to my inner child this year. What does she want? What does she need? How does she want to play and have fun?

What does your inner child want and need from you?

Last week, I listened to the audiobook for Jen Sincero’s new book Badass Habits: Cultivate the Awareness, Boundaries, And Daily Upgrades You Need To Make Them Stick. The book includes a 21 day program to establish a new badass habit (or break up with a sucky habit like smoking). I ordered my physical copy of Badass Habits before I had even finished the audiobook because I knew I would be flipping through the book constantly while following the program.

Before I could start the Badass Habits program, I had to pick my new badass habit. At first, I thought, I want to get into the habit of eating frozen grapes at night for dessert instead of ice cream. This seemed like something I could do that would help me lose weight.

Except the habit of eating frozen grapes while eliminating ice cream from my life went against everything I have learned from Noom. If I make ice cream forbidden, then I am going to crave it more. And if I delay my craving, the ice cream is going to seem extra rewarding when I finally eat it (because trust me, I will eventually eat it). Then I’ll crave ice cream even more for that dopamine hit… and so the vicious cycle goes.

I do not want to eliminate any foods from my life because that is not sustainable. So I thought some more until I hit upon the perfect habit: I want to meet my daily Noom calorie budget.

When I meet my daily calorie budget, I lose weight – easily. I do not feel deprived or like I am suffering. I am able to enjoy treats like ice cream, cake and pie, and I do not go around hangry all the time. I also do not feel stuffed or gross from eating too much. Noom’s daily calorie budget is very realistic and doable for me.

But for the past few months, I have rarely met my daily calorie goal. I have logged my foods through dinner and then went into mindless eating mode after dinner. I also had a tendency to eat 500+ calories of afternoon snacks and not log any of those calories. I was not being honest with myself about the amount of food I was eating, and I knew I was lying to myself, but I also felt angry when the numbers on the scale refused to budge, which activated all sorts of shame and guilt gremlins, which made me eat more ice cream to numb the guilt and shame…

Before reading Badass Habits, I was thinking that maybe I should just be happy with weighing about 200 pounds in my 5’5″ frame. I felt called to lose weight, but maybe I was just being superficial. Shouldn’t I just love myself completely the way I am? But Sincero writes:

This habit you’ve chosen is going to become your obsession, your teacher, your muse for self-actualization.

Badass Habits, pg. 114.

My yearning to lose weight is not something superficial. It’s my soul’s way of leading me toward self-actualization. For me, losing weight will not simply be about numbers on the scale. It’s much bigger than that. It’s about my relationship with the world. It’s about my relationship with myself. It’s about self-actualization.

And that is pretty badass.

My second grader went to school in person.

My husband went to work at his office.

I got a massage.

Or a pedicure.

Went to Hot Yoga.

Took my ability to buy toilet paper for granted.

Visited a museum.

Bought groceries without a face covering.

And thought I knew what the next few years of my life looked like.

The first year of pandemic life was tough AF, but I am now more flexible and resilient. I am more comfortable with change and uncertainty. And I have so much gratitude for the fully stocked aisle of toilet paper at the grocery store!

I have been following the Noom program for over a year now. It’s been a bumpy ride. Shall I recap? Yes, let’s! And since I was a history major, I’ll even get fancy with a timeline. (You’re welcome!)

• Late February 2020: I joined Noom. I weighed about 209.5 pounds.
• I lost a couple of pounds
• March 2020: The shit hit the fan. #pandemic
• I had already signed up for Noom, so I figured I might as well stick with the program.
• March-July 2020: I lost twenty pounds! I was down to 189 pounds.
• August 2020: Pippa started distance learning. I felt some serious stress. I quit Noom. #burnout
• August-October 2020: I regained about fifteen of the pounds I had lost.
• Late October 2020: I rejoined Noom.

This morning, I weighed in at 204.6 pounds. I could look at that as a defeat. Woe is me, I’m only down five pounds since this time last year. But I am choosing to look at my current weight as a major victory.

I could have easily gained fifty pounds in 2020. Before Noom, I used food to manage my stress and numb my feelings. 2020 involved an ass shit ton of feelings and stress, and I did in fact often reach for food to feel better. But just as often, I did something else, like exercise, meditate, or text friends. I was far from perfect on the emotional eating front, but I did better in 2020 than I ever had in my adult life. That, my friends, is what I consider a victory.

I want to make some serious progress in 2021 on the health and fitness front. I want to stick to my calorie budgets and shed the excess weight already.

But first, I want to give myself a standing ovation,

take a bow,

and skate a victory lap for kicking some major ass in the Stress and Emotional Eating departments!

As I mentioned in this week’s podcast episode, I am currently working on my beliefs. I have a lot of shitty old beliefs that are keeping me from becoming my best self. I am ready for a system upgrade! I want beliefs that support my work to be a general bad ass.

In order to overhaul my beliefs, I have to actually identify the beliefs that I have been lugging around for most of my life. My beliefs have spent most of my life lurking in my subconscious, but I have found a few ways to lure them out of the darkness.

(1) I journal. I write, What are my beliefs? or What beliefs do I need to address? And then I wait. My inner voice then offers up a belief and I basically write the transcript for my inner voice.

(2) Second, I call up strong memories and journal about them. In Episode 23, I talked about the day in the second grade when my school principal, an Irish nun, called me and a few other kids to the front of class and announced that we were not getting communion. That was a shaming moment and the memory of it brings up intense feelings. It was a defining moment in my life. I didn’t realize it at the time – I was eight years old! – but that day, I internalized a belief about needing to fit in. I went home and sulked and begged until my parents agreed to let me take first communion. I was so happy! I fit in again. But now I am 42. Now I prefer being authentic over fitting in. Writing about the strong second grade memory helped me identify and release a shitty old belief.

(3) The Tarot also helps me identify my beliefs. I love using my Tarot deck as a tool for tapping into my intuition. I shuffle the deck, spread out the cards, and ask, What belief do I need to work on? Then I pick a card and start journaling about my immediate reaction to the card. For example, last Sunday I picked a card that depicted three men doing construction work on an interior that was part of a church. I immediately thought, I have to release my beliefs about the authority of old institutions. I have to start believing in myself.

I kept journaling about the Tarot card I had pulled. I realized that all my life, I have subconsciously believed in “the authorities” over my own judgment. That’s why I went to law school and practiced law for eight years. I wanted to please my parents, and I thought they preferred that over my call to be a writer. And more: I wanted to please society. Society had laid out a clear path to success. Who was I to dispute what society said I needed? But I want to believe in myself now. I don’t want to keep deferring to the authorities, whether they are my parents, the Catholic Church, my kids’ teachers, society, friends, social media, etc. etc.

(4) I am currently listening to not one but two of Jen Sincero’s books. I read a couple of her books years ago, before I had kids, and loved them. A couple of weeks ago, I started focusing on my beliefs as my next area of self-work. Around the same time, I got a strong longing to read Sincero’s books again. I downloaded one audiobook from the library and bought another on Audible. HOLY SHIT. She writes extensively about beliefs in the book I bought yesterday! Damn, I love when my muse tells me what book to read and it’s exactly the book I need for the work I am doing.

(5) I have been using the Noom app for nearly a year now and it has helped me address a lot of the beliefs I hold about food. My beliefs about foods have helped me discover some fundamental beliefs about myself.

Identifying my beliefs is going to take a lot of patience. After all, my beliefs have been hiding in the darkness of my subconscious for most of my life. But I can be patient. Now that I have found a few shitty beliefs, and felt the catharsis of letting them go, I want to replace all my shitty beliefs with new radiant beliefs help me become my best damn self.

This week, I’m talking about building new, radiant beliefs on the podcast. But first! I talked about busting out of my exercise rut and joining Obe Fitness. You can read all about that in this blog post.

And second! I mentioned I have been reading up on hygge (pronounced hoo-gah). The book I am loving is The Little Book of Hygge: Danish Secrets to Happy Living by Meik Wiking.

Okay, now to the meat of the episode! (Or the tofu, if you’re vegetarian.) I have been working to identify my beliefs. Most of my beliefs are subconscious. But with journaling and reflection, I am discovering old beliefs that might have served me in the past but are now holding me back from being my best self.

I am working with these negative beliefs and consciously bidding them farewell. But now, I need to plant the seeds of new beliefs and nurture the shit out of them until I have a gorgeous lush forest of beliefs that are in line with my values. But how the hell do I do that? Figuring that out is my current work.

I am listening to the audiobook for Jen Sincero’s You Are A Badass Every Day: How to Keep Your Motivation Strong, Your Vibe High, and Your Quest for Transformation Unstoppable. I love Jen Sincero but it has been years since I read any of her books. Her work really resonates with me, and the audiobook is helping me lay down the new beliefs I need to believe in my awesomeness.

Sincero has inspired me to upgrade my “spiritual gym.” I am listening to Try Everything by Shakira everyday. Damn that song pumps me up. I have also written affirmations on sticky notes and hung them up around my desk.

And then, I bought myself this deck of affirmation cards.

It’s going to take a lot of work, but I can already feel my new beliefs taking root.

For my next episode, I should probably talk about what those beliefs actually are!

Some people think anti-depressants are numbing. That they take away bad and good feelings. I want the record to reflect: this has not been my experience with anti-depressants.

I have been taking Zoloft since July 2020 and holy eff, I am still feeling all the feelings, from Anger to Zest, and everything in between. The only thing that Zoloft has numbed is my anxiety.

Is anxiety a feeling? Wow, that’s a philosophical rabbit hole. And I want to go finished watching The Bachelor now, so can I take a rain check on figuring that out?

All I want to say is that anti-depressants have in no way muted my experience of the world. If anything, they have empowered me to experience my feelings even more. When my anxiety is revved up, it’s hard for me to feel anything but anxious. Sadness, joy, grumpiness, contentment … all those feelings get buried beneath heaps and heaps of anxiety.

Zoloft does not numb me to life. Quite the opposite. It soothes my anxiety so I can fully appreciate this wild and magnificent life.

My exercise habits are constantly changing. A lifetime ago, when I was a miserable lawyer, I went to gyms and often worked with personal trainers. I clanged down metal weights and logged God-knows-how-many miles on ellipticals, treadmills and steppers.

After I had Pippa, I discovered Zumba and went to as many classes as possible at my gym. I loved Zumba. But the classes were crowded, and I did not have the time to queue up just to get a spot, so gradually, I returned to the ellipticals, treadmills and steppers. Sometimes I used the weight machines. But I was not feeling particularly inspired by my exercise routine.

I quit the gym a couple of years ago and started walking outside. Then I added in hot yoga classes. I loved the combination of walking and hot yoga.

And then you know what happened in March 2020.

I kept walking! Walking kept me sane. I walked farther and farther and explored new neighborhoods near my house.

Last summer, I embraced strength training. I bought resistance bands and free weights and created a Pinterest board for different moves. I lifted weights about three times a week for twenty minutes and walked at least an hour each day. For cardio, I added 3-2-1 intervals to my walks – three minutes at a mild pace, two minutes moderate, and one minute as fast as I could walk. By the end of 2020, I felt healthier than ever.

But recently, I felt like I was in a rut. I was getting bored with my strength and cardio. I tripped a few weeks ago and tweaked my ankle. As my ankle recovered, I found that I did not want to resume my 3-2-1 walking intervals. When I was walking, I wanted to walk at the pace that felt right for me at that particular moment. I also found myself avoiding my weights. I only did strength training a few times in February. My exercise routine felt blah, blah, blah.

Then an ad for Obé Fitness popped up in my Instagram feed. I felt instantly drawn to the image of instructors in pastel rooms.

I read some online reviews. I hemmed, I hawed. My Resistance put up a damn good fight.

On Saturday, I signed up for my free trial and did a dance workout in my kitchen.

I had so much fun! By the end of class, I felt energized and vibrant and fully alive. I could not wait to do another class.

This morning, I did a strength class. The description called for eight pound weights, but I used my five pounders. Wow! I have never enjoyed strength training so much.

When my free trial is over, I will definitely be continuing with the monthly Obé subscription. It’s $27/month, which is pricier than a lot of streaming fitness services, but for me, it’s money well spent. I’m already excited to do another cardio class tomorrow and might even do a stretching class this afternoon. I forgot how good exercise can make me feel. I still want to keep walking an average of 12,000 steps/day, but now I am ready to up my game in the cardio and strength department.

I have officially bust out of my fitness rut!

The Pasadena Board of Education met yesterday and finally – FINALLY – voted to reopen public schools on March 29, 2021. I don’t know if Pippa will actually go back that day or later that week. The kids are being assigned to cohorts, blah blah blah, but hallelujah, things are finally – FINALLY – changing for Pasadena kids.

I don’t own a confetti cannon — if I ever win the lottery, that will be one of the first things I buy — but there is a confetti cannon exploding in my heart.

I am sure hybrid school will bring a bonanza of new challenges and feelings but hot damn, I am ready for this new adventure. I am grateful Pippa is in the second grade because for now, only TK-2nd grade are returning. But things are finally – FINALLY – looking up for Pasadena parents. As the cases continue to decrease, older children will be allowed to return.

Spring will actually feel like a proper resurrection and renewal this year.

The Pasadena Board of Education is having a special meeting this afternoon to discuss the reopening of schools. They will be voting on a resolution to reopen elementary schools for TK-2nd grade on March 29. Members of the public are allowed to send comments to be included in the public record. I thought that enough people had already begged, whined and complained about the reopening of the schools to the Board. But at last week’s meeting, nearly all the public comments were from parents and teachers who do not want the schools to reopen. Maybe people are not complaining? Maybe, like me, everyone else assumes that so many people have complained, so there is no need to add another voice to the babble.

I decided it was time to get into the arena and have my say. I wrote a letter yesterday and sent it to the Superintendent and all the members of Pasadena’s Board of Education. Here’s my letter, and in bold, I’ve included the language I omitted, but really wanted to include.

To The Members of the Pasadena Board of Education: [Dear Asshats, Fools and Demon Spawn]

I am the parent of a second grader at xxx School. [feels weird to put the name of my daughter’s school on the internet] Please reopen the schools as soon as possible for in-person instruction. [before I lose my flipping mind and commit unimaginable crimes]

Schools are not the main drivers of the pandemic. The closure of schools should be done only as a last resort measure. According to the United Nation’s Children’s Fund (aka UNICEF), a recent global study using data from 191 countries showed no association between school status and COVID-19 infection rates in the community. Science supports the reopening of schools. [I decided to sound calm and rational though really, I am a flaming tower of incoherent rage . Seriously, all the other fucking schools in the country have reopened. Our infection rates are super low. What is with the effing holdup?] I am very disappointed [enraged] and frustrated [practically homicidal] that nearby school districts, such as South Pasadena, have already reopened while PUSD is yet to set a reopening date.

I have been following the District’s plans for reopening and am impressed with the measures being taken to ensure everyone’s safety. [blatant sucking up] I have always intended to send my children to public schools, but it has been disheartening to see private schools reopening while our public schools fall farther and farther behind. I know a lot of parents who are on the verge of pulling their children out of PUSD. [i’m not making this up] [I’m one of those parents] Please reopen so we do not lose any more families to private schools, homeschooling and other districts. [though that ship sailed long ago] Please reopen for the children. [remember them? the children who have been enduring trials we never had to endure as kids?] Distance learning is breaking their spirits and love of learning. [understatement of the century] It is time to be brave and move forward. [or I will burn something]

Sincerely, [I hate all of you so much]

Courtney Novak