First, a perimenopause update! At the beginning of this episode, I noted that it was Day 37 of my cycle, but my period arrived as soon as I finished recording this episode so woot woot, it’s Day 1! But alas, this means that menopause remains a distant dream…

Now, the actual episode. This quote in Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle really explains what I’ve been grappling with:

Most of us have spent our whole lives being taught to believe everyone else’s opinions about our bodies, rather than to believe what our own bodies are trying to tell us. For some of us, it’s been so long since we listened to our bodies, we hardly know how to start understanding what they’re trying to tell us, much less how to trust and believe what they’re saying.

Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle, by Emily nagoski and amelia nagoski, pg. 186.

Diet culture and the media taught me that my body is not right and I don’t know how to take care of it. Honestly, I might have to write a book about this someday.

The enneagram and hot yoga helped me realize that my body-mind connection was damaged.

If you are curious about the enneagram, I recommend The Road Back To You: An Enneagram Journey To Self-Discovery. I’ve read it twice, plus read other enneagram books and listened to enneagram podcasts, and it has taken me about four years to figure out that I’m a 5 on the enneagram. As a 5, I feel really comfortable in my mind, but can retreat there too much, and this helped me realize my body-mind connection was practically nonexistent.

This epiphany helped me reestablish my body-mind connection and start rebuilding that relationship. Here’s what helping me rebuild a strong body-mind connection:

• Meditation: I love the Calm app and body scans.
• Hot Yoga! From the first class, when I thought I might die from the heat, to now, as I make subtle adjustments to get deeper into the pose, this practice really connects me with every fiber of my body.
• Journaling. I write dialogues with my body. Back and forth scripts, conversations between Me and My Body. It started out feeling very hokey and awkward, but now it’s natural and easy, and I find myself talking with my body throughout the day.

This is a journey and I’m just at the beginning of it, but I’m so glad I shared what I have learned so far on my podcast.

I started writing a post about the possibility that our school district might close elementary schools, and my kids’ school might be on the chopping block (again), but I got so bored, I had to abandon it. I was going to write about “living with uncertainty” and “embracing change” but fuck it. That just feels too tedious. I want to write something joyful and uplifting, so these are 10 things currently making me incredibly happy:

1. Tennis lessons! Today was week 3, and we started serving.
2. The weather forecast: September in Pasadena can be brutally hot, but the highest temp in our 10 day forecast is 83. It’s humid AF but I’ll take it.
3. There are pumpkins at Trader Joe’s.
4. Playing around with AI to make this Avocado Superhero. The eye mask is perfection.

5. Pippa doesn’t have homework tonight! Which means she won’t be stressing over school work after volleyball practice.

6. Right now, Julian is riding his scooter back and forth down our block and waves at me whenever he passes our house.

7. I cleaned our living room and it feels so pleasant. I had several paintings that the kids made at art class lined up on windowsills and I put them away and the light has so much more light now.

8. The audiobook Clytemnestra by Costanza Casati. I love retellings of Greek myths, and this one is excellent.

9. One more AI image of porcupines having a birthday party (and now I want to create a picture book or graphic novel with AI)

10. Listening to my kids practice the piano.

It’s Day 35 of my cycle, and I am in the midst of some epic PMS. I feel an undercurrent of edgy hormones, but I can handle that. It’s the insomnia that’s a bitch.

My PMS insomnia is not nearly as bad as my PPD insomnia. Over a decade ago, when I had postpartum depression, I’d only get three hours sleep for two or three nights, and then I’d get about six hours sleep. Right now, I’m sleeping well every other night; on my bad night, I get at least five hours of sleep. I feel ragged and worn out, but it could be worse.

But it could also be better! In the past, my psychiatrist has suggested I take a higher dose of Zoloft toward the end of my cycle. I’ve pish-poshed that idea in the past, but I’m going to talk to her about this option during our next appointment. In the meantime, I’m going to try a few more things to hopefully reduce the PMS insomnia:

• No more Keto ice cream. I have eaten very little refined sugar since mid-July, but during this past menstrual cycle, I started eating Keto ice cream at night. Now, the Keto ice cream I buy does not have any added refined sugars, but it does have 10 grams of sugar alcohol. I probably shouldn’t be consuming that every day, especially close to bedtime. It’s great that I’ve practically eliminated refined sugar from my diet, but now I want to pay attention to other ways sugar messes with my wellness.
• I will wean off caffeine. Today I’m down to 49 ounces of Coke Zero per day. Progress! I’ve been reducing my Coke Zero intake by one ounce every couple of days (starting at 84 ounces on August 14), but I’d like to accelerate this journey and reduce by two ounces every day. Then I’ll be caffeine-free in less than a month. I’ve got to get this shit out of my system.
• I will lay off the decaf coffee. I’ve been drinking iced decaf coffee in the afternoon and even though it’s decaffeinated, there’s still a little caffeine in it. I know I’m sensitive to caffeine, so as of today, I’m switching to herbal tea, which is completely caffeine free.

As I do these things, I’ll pay attention to how I feel and see whether these changes improve my PMS insomnia. If so, great! If not, then I’ll discuss playing around with my Zoloft dosage with my psychiatrist, and I’ll also read up on other possible remedies.

Or maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll never get my period again and in a year minus 35 days, I’ll hit menopause and dismount the hormonal rollercoaster! Yes, I’m only 44 years old, but a girl can dream.

Soccer season officially started in Pasadena last week with my kids’ first practices and games. And oh, it was so sweet and civilized, because I’m not coaching or ref’ing.

Nathan took Pippa to her practice last week, letting me stay home and relax with Julian. Then I took Julian to his practice, but instead of wrangling a mob of wild boys, I got to sit in my camping chair and talk with a friend while working on a cross stitch project. So relaxing!

On game day, I got to focus on my kids and not worry about crappy AYSO volunteering responsibilities. I sat in the shade on my camping chair with Nathan during both kids’ games and soaked up the fresh air. And best of all, I was not wearing a fluorescent yellow referee shirt or the shiny red coaching polo.

But then, I started thinking, Should I volunteer to make the team banner? And then, what if I need to referee again next year?

Ah, those intrusive anxious thoughts!

On the matter of the team banner, I told myself, I’m happy to donate money to the banner but I’m not wasting my time and creative energy on something unnecessary. I played AYSO soccer for many, many years and I do not remember a single team banner which means (a) my teams never had a banner and I lived to tell the tale or (b) we had team banners but they did not leave a lasting impression.

Once upon a time, an AYSO parent had the fun idea to make a banner for their kids’ soccer team. I hope that original banner involved a lot of felt and glitter and sequins. It was probably a really fun craft project. But now, at least in our league, the AYSO higher ups tout banners as a team necessity, and the whole business feels a bit competitive in the spirit of Keeping Up With the Joneses. My kids’ teams have never had a banner, and they have not been traumatized; so I’m not going to be guilted into making a banner just because other teams have one. Of course, if my inner muse was excited by the prospect of unleashing my crafty self on a team banner, that would be a different matter, but right now, my creative juices are flowing into the revision of my novel, blogging, podcasting, crochet and cross stitch.

I should note that two years ago, Pippa’s team was called the Silver Zebras, and I ordered an inflatable zebra from Amazon to be their team mascot. My kids named it Percy and Percy made me laugh. I think he’s still in the garage and one of these days, I should inflate him and leave him out while the kids are the sleeping.

On the matter of being a referee again next year, I told myself, That’s a year away! And if I don’t want to ref for AYSO again, then I do not have to ref for AYSO again. Those yellow florescent referee shirts really do not do my complexion any favors.

For now, I’m just going to savor the sweet joy of a civilized soccer season. Next season is far away, but I suspect that my AYSO volunteer days are in the past.

Though if anyone needs an inflatable zebra, I can hook you up.

Every school day, when I drop my kids off, someone in the car line is a jerk or idiot or both. This used to rile me up and I’d feel outraged at the injustices of car line. But recently I realized: what if the path to enlightenment is in car line? What if I stop letting other people steal my serenity over dumb things like car line? Someone is going to be rude and block the car line and make everyone wait while their prince or princess takes an absurdly long time to get out of the vehicle. I don’t have to let this rudeness snatch my serenity. 

Other areas in my life where I’m working to not let people steal my serenity:

1. When someone is snorting at hot yoga (like today)
2. When people ignore the laws regarding stop signs and don’t let you take your turn because they are more important/busy/spaced out
3. Fifth grade fundraising for end of year celebrations

I will have to keep striving to say calm in car line because man, it’s like one of Dante’s parenting circles of hell. But if I can stay calm there, I can carry that calm into other areas of my life. There are enough real sources of stress that erode my serenity. No sense letting the fake stress of car line steal it as well.

I decided to update my About Me page today, and wow, I had completely forgotten what I had written a year ago.

During the last school year, I wore a lot of hats: the PTA’s room parent coordinator; the room mom for Julian’s kindergarten class and Pippa’s third grade class; the book fair chair (best. job. ever.); an AYSO referee (not that terrible, despite the fluorescent yellow shirt); and the cookie czar for Pippa’s Brownie troop. I know, I know, this sounds crazy, but I thrive on this sort of crazy.

Oh look, I created an infographic to detail My Sort of Crazy:

This coming school year, I am dialing up the crazy. I will be our PTA’s VP of Volunteering; the book fair chair; and a leader for Pippa’s Girl Scout troop. No one has agreed to take on the job of room parent coordinator yet, so I’ll probably be doing that, too. And I maybe sort of told AYSO that I would be a coach. And I’m sure I’ll be a room mom again…

My husband is only mildly concerned.

My Former About Me Page, which i’m updating, so you can’t check the citation. but is anyone actually checking the citations on my blog? and if so, how do you have the time to do that shit?

Well, at least the infographic is still accurate.

Part of me wishes I could go back in time and warn 2023 Courtney – You are flying too close to the volunteering sun! You are going to burn to a crisp! Your dad is about to be diagnosed with cancer! And then he’s going to need emergency brain surgery and shit will really hit the fan! Have some mercy on yourself and dial back the crazy.

But mostly, I have a sense of humor and realize this was all part of my journey:

• I had to “enjoy” being an AYSO ref and signup to be a soccer coach in order to realize I was letting the AYSO agenda hijack my life.
• I had to be the PTA VP of Volunteering to realize I was draining my vital energy in ways I could not sustain.
• I had to volunteer too damn much in order to remember my essentials, my need for a buffer, and my right to rest and relaxation.

Confession: I’m a little embarrassed by my old About Me page, but that’s all part of the journey. I have to keep on following my curiosity and making mistakes, big and small, in order to become a more and more authentic version of myself.

This school year, I am embracing my Healing From Burnout Era, which means I’m eliminating the activities that reduced my soul to a heap of ashes. No more PTA. No more room parenting. No more coaching or ref’ing for AYSO.

And you know what that means? My mental load has been significantly reduced.

All of these former volunteering roles took up considerable real estate in my headspace. Let’s just consider AYSO coaching:

• Before the season even started, I had to recruit volunteers
• Attend trainings in person and online
• Do my Livescan and background check
• I had to plan the drills I would run during practice
• Remember to bring all the equipment we needed for practice
• Run the practices, which meant not just organizing drills but managing the dynamics between the kids, keeping their attention, and making sure they didn’t do anything stupid
• On game day, I had to arrive early so I could run more drills
• Prepare the lineup
• Run the game from the sideline
• And during the week, there were numerous communications from parents about matches and practices.

I’m exhausted just writing that list AND THAT WAS JUST FOR ONE ACTIVITY. And let’s not forget that I am a mom and motherhood creates it’s own vast mental load, such as:

• Remembering to play the tooth fairy
• Organizing the magic of holidays
• Homework
• Flu shots
• Dental appointments
• Packing school lunches
• timely application of sunblock
• Remembering to charge their stupid Chromebooks after school
• and unpack their lunches
• buy their favorite healthy snacks
• navigate their feelings
• and
• so
• much
• other
• stuff

This is why I am Burnt Out AF. I overloaded my circuits with all the logistics I had to manage as a mom and volunteer. When I decided to dial back on my volunteering responsibilities, I knew I was freeing up time to relax, pursue my creative interests and declutter our house. But now that I’m several weeks into the school year, I can really appreciate the lighter mental load.

If I return to volunteering in future years, remind me to pick a way that does not add to my mental load. I’m really not interested in recharging my batteries just so I can deplete them again to pacify the patriarchy.

At the beginning of the year, I picked 23 projects that I wanted to tackle in 2023. It’s been awhile since I checked in, so let’s see my progress!

1. Attend fifty hot yoga classes: As of today, I’ve attended 40 classes – woot woot! I am frustrated because I was not able to attend as many classes as I would have liked in August, because I had Julian home with a sprained ankle, Pippa home with allergies, and both kids home for Hurricane Hillary. Now Pippa is home on a Tuesday because she had to have a crown put on a tooth with a cavity. Motherhood is demanding. Incredibly rewarding and the best part of my life, but also ass-kickingly demanding.
2. Track what I eat for 30 days in a row: I completed this in January.
3. Drink at least 64 oz of water/day for 30 days in a row: Ditto.
4. Publish my second novel: I’m currently writing working on language revisions and then I’ll take a break before I take a fresh look at the book, finalize the title, design a cover, and boom. Publish! I’d love to finish this by the end of 2023, but as noted above, my kids have been home a lot. It is really effing hard to find the time and mental space to revise a novel while mothering young kids, and they are my priority. I’m aiming to publish my second novel in 2023, but I won’t publish an unfinished book just to tick a mark on my 23 in 23′ checklist.
5. Read 100 books for myself: I’ve slowed down on the reading front but have finished 68 books so far this year. According to Goodreads, I’m 1 book ahead of schedule. It might be time to unleash my secret weapon: the graphic novel!
6. Try 23 new recipes: I tried six new recipes at the beginning of the year and lost all momentum over the summer. I tried a seventh recipe recently that was very meh – not great for rebuilding momentum.
7. Cook with mushrooms 23 times: I’ve still cooked with mushrooms only four times.
8. Bake 23 loaves of bread: Still not a loaf yet. Though I do intend to revive my sourdough starter this week.
9. Make 23 different buttons with my buttonmaker: I’ve used my button maker on three occasions. Once for myself; once for fifth grade fundraising during welcome back fair; and once at my niece Olivia’s birthday party. So in all, I’ve made at least 23 buttons, probably more. When I made this goal, I thought that I would design and make buttons for myself. But hey, I’m just glad that I got comfortable with the button maker!
10. Finish 23 craft projects (not including buttons): Seven down. I most recently finished a baby blanket for my cousin Molly, who is expecting her first next month, and a cross-stitch project for Julian.
11. Watch 12 different Creativebug classes: Still only watched one. If I don’t get around to watching some this fall, I’m cancelling my subscription.
12. Draw 12 times: I’ve drawn six times. It’s relaxing, but it’s not where my creative juices are flowing these days. I have, however, also played around with AI, and that is very fun.
13. Play 23 different board/card games: Still stalled at twelve.
14. Watch 23 movies with my kids: I’m up to eleven! I took the kids to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem in the theater and we all loved it. Pippa and I have watched the first two Hunger Games movies together during her absences.
15. Write 23 blog posts: I wrote my twenty-third post on August tenth. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
16. Visit 23 new places: I completed this goal several months ago and have recorded 32 new places this year. My favorite new place in August was Seaside Lagoon in Redondo Beach. My cousin and I met there with our kids on the last Friday of summer and it was such an easy and safe beach day. The kids activated some serious core memories while building sand castle villages.
17. Go on 12 hikes: I’ve done the same hike, Eaton Canyon, twice now. Once with Pippa, and once with Pippa, Nathan and Julian. Both times were so good for my soul.
18. Do 23 things I have never done before: I’m at 16 new things.
19. Finish decluttering the house! I think I’m going to finish this by year’s end. Nathan and I tackled our California basement yesterday and cleared out vast quantities of crap. The basement was the most daunting task on my decluttering list. And it’s like 85% done – and the remaining 15% will be easy.
20. Indulge my inner child 23 times: I’ve indulged my inner child at least 19 times. Most recently, I started taking tennis lessons.
21. Publish 12 podcast episodes: I’ve recorded two podcast episodes for my show Adventures With my Forties. After a long hiatus, it feels good and very right to return to this creative outlet. Yay!
22. Attend 12 live performances: I’ve been to seven live performances this year, most recently Peter Pan Goes Wrong with Nathan and the kids. It was HILARIOUS. The entire family loved it.
23. Spend 20 hours gardening: I’m not so good at remembering to log my gardening sessions, but I’ve officially logged 17.5 gardening hours. And the projects on my gardening radar will easily consume another 2.5 hours and more.

It’s early September and I’ve finished four out of twenty-three projects. I am reasonably confident that I’ll complete eight more, and there are a few more that miiiiiight get completed (depending on how my muse).

This is my process! It’s not so much about checking items off a list but about keeping projects on my radar so if I’m in a slump, I have some ideas for rebuilding my momentum. And after burning myself out during the prior school year, my 23 in ’23 Project has been really helpful in figuring out the best ways for me to heal.

This week, I’m talking about Human Giver Syndrome and the ways women get sucked into doing work for other people’s organizations. I talk about ways I got hijacked by other folks’ agendas into doing volunteer work that doesn’t actually align with my values and beliefs. Specifically, I’m looking at AYSO, Girl Scout cookies and the frenzied hell that is cookie season, and the PTA membership drive. 

I learned about Human Giver Syndrome in Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski. I have not finished reading this book yet but I have already learned so much.

This is how the authors (they are twins!) define Human Giver Syndrome:

In Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny, philosopher Kate Manne describes a system in which one class of people, the “human givers,” are expected to offer their time, attention, affection, and bodies willingly, placidly, to the other class of people, the ‘human beings.’ The implication in these terms is that human beings have a moral obligation to be or express their humanity, while human givers have the moral obligation to give their humanity to the human beings. Guess which one women are.

Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle, xii.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I suffer from Human Giver Syndrome and have been shaped by the patriarchy’s values. I have so often felt guilty for the time I spend on my creative pursuits, beating myself up for neglecting the housework so I can write books and podcast. That’s because I was raised in a culture shaped by Human Giver Syndrome and was taught “to prioritize being pretty, happy, calm, generous and attentive to the needs of others, above anything else.” Burnout, pg. 63.

I don’t say this during the podcast episode, but damn, I’m sick of being a Human Giver who constantly depletes herself to satisfy other folks’ agendas. Going forward, I want to pay more attention to the reason I do things and make sure my volunteer work aligns with my values, not someone else’s. And while I’m at it, I want to be a bad ass, not a calm, pretty woman who pours her energy into meeting the needs of others, at the expense of her sanity and mental health.