This morning, while I was getting the kids ready for school, my period arrived. I thought three things in rapid succession:

1. What? Already?
2. At least that explains why I’m tired.
3. Hell yes, I picked the best day to schedule a massage.

Last night, I felt deeply tired, like the sort of fatigue that settles in your marrow. I slept beautifully but when I woke up, the fatigue was still there. I figured I was worn out after a few busy days, or was coming down with another cold. It never occurred to me that I was about to get my period, because (a) my PMS prefers to dabble in insomnia, mood swings and cramps and (b) today was supposed to be Day 20 of my cycle.

But my period likes to be mysterious, and has never been regular, so I don’t know why it keeps surprising me. On the bright side, it keeps me on my toes!

I decided it was time to analyze my recent menstrual cycles and luckily had information going back to May 2022 readily available in my Notes App. Between May 4, 2022 and January 24, 2023, my cycles have been all over the freaking place:

• First, a 51 day cycle that started on May 4 and coincided with reducing my Zoloft dose – coincidental?
• Then a 26 day cycle,
• A 29 day cycle,
• And a 28 day cycle — concluding three months, from June 24-September 16, when my menstrual cycle pretended it was regular and predictable.
• Then an 18 day cycle,
• A 38 day cycle,
• A 22 day cycle,
• A 32 day cycle,
• And finally, a 19 day cycle, because my menstrual cycle refuses to be pinned down to a schedule and enjoys being wildly erratic.

This is why I never leave home without a stash of tampons and pads.

I also keep track of my flow. Once again, my period likes to keep me on my toes. Day 2 is typically my day of heaviest bleeding, but in September, November, and January, Day 2 was what I describe as only “moderate flow.” In September, after a “normal” 28 day cycle, my period was super light. I only bled for three days, and never heavily. Then in October, after a quick 18 day cycle, my period returned with a vengeance. Not only did I experience heavy flow on Days 1 and 2, but on Day 5, which is typically very light, my flow was back up to moderate.

Long story short: what the fuck?

It’s time for me to read more about perimenopause and menopause. Those changes/events/transitions might be several years away for me, but I want to enter this next stage of my life consciously and intentionally. I ordered this book off Amazon and will report back soon.

p.s. I actually did have a massage this morning, and it was divine.

Today is my 44th birthday! Happy birthday to me! As I was journaling this morning, I started a list of all the things I’ve done during my forty-four trips around the sun, but making that list actually made me feel icky. I paused, reflected, and realized I was reducing myself to my accomplishments. Accomplishments are nice and all, but are they really the measure of my worth?

I went to hot yoga. As I stretched and breathed, I thought, Maybe I should write a blog post about forty-four things I love about myself. That felt good. That felt right. So here I am, and here I go!

Forty-four Things I Love About Myself

1. My sense of humor
2. My creativity
3. My resilience
4. My willingness to do the work – and by “work,” I don’t mean the things I do as a mom and writer, but the work I do to become the best possible version of myself
5. My capacity for change
6. My eyebrows
7. eyelashes
8. and eyes
9. The way I mother Pippa and Julian
10. My connection to the Unseen and divine
11. My inner voice and compass, guiding me along this crazy magnificent adventure of life
12. My ability to turn the mundane into an adventure
13. My hormones – look, they have given me hell (I’m looking at you, postpartum depression) but they also made it possible for me to create two humans and how bitching is that?
14. Speaking of postpartum depression, I love that I found the strength to kick PPD in the ass and have shared my mental health journey publicly to help others and combat the stigma of mental illness
15. The fact that I am out of fucks
16. My self-esteem
17. But also my new efforts to let my ego crumble
18. My curiosity and never-ending sense of wonder
19. My playfulness
20. My strength
21. and power
22. and unique voice
23. My willingness to admit my mistakes
24. and awareness that I have blind spots, and am constantly making mistakes without knowing it
25. and that I use my mistakes to become a better person
26. My zest for a good project!
27. My capacity for solitude
28. and my ability to connect with other people while being my authentic self
29. My knees! I’m forty-four and they are going strong!
30. The enjoyment I get from a cup of cheap coffee
31. My acceptance of the fact that I’m going to spill something on myself Every. Single. Day, so white just does not belong in my wardrobe
32. But who needs white because I love color!
33. My willingness to take whatever medications I need to feel my best – hello, Zoloft, thanks for all your hard work
34. The way I feel when I’m in the flow of writing and the words glitter as they pour out of me
35. My focus and attention
36. My energy
37. My hands for bringing me so much joy – knitting! writing! cooking! painting! gardening! holy shit, hands are awesome!
38. My introspective nature
39. I AM A NERD
40. The joy I take in learning
41. I am guided by strong beliefs but I also question those beliefs and make sure they are actually mine and not some bullshit thrust on me by society
42. My feelings – okay, this is a work-in-progress, but I am getting better at accepting, navigating and welcoming my feelings.
43. I’m a mighty fine cook
44. As a lifelong bookworm, I just need a book to have an adventure