Ten days ago, I wrote:

I barely have a craving for soda anymore, and when I do, my immediate reaction is, Blech, then I’d lose my streak. 

Me, This Blog Post.

But today, I am having some deep cravings for Caffeine Free Diet Coke. And the thought of losing my “days without soda” streak is not very compelling. Instead, I keep thinking about how delicious a bubbly soda would taste, streak be damned.

Nathan still drinks soda but he goes for the full caffeinated experience. I do not covet his stash of diet soda because I know caffeine makes me crazy. But yesterday he was drinking Caffeine Free Diet Coke because he accidentally grabbed a bottle of it at the store, and oh, I wanted to tear that bottle from his arms and guzzle it down.

It feels like my inner devil is shouting for soda and my inner angel is secretly craving it as well.

Hopefully, if I can hang on for a few more days, these cravings will pass. Come on, inner angel! Please! Kick that devil in the ass and get excited about the 2021 Soda Fast!

I will report back either way.

p.s. Pray for me.

I have been thinking about my mental health a lot lately. I have a lot of mental health tools that boost my mental health, like meditation, exercise, writing, and Zoloft. I have been relying on these tools heavily since the first lockdown in Pasadena in March 2020.

But just how long can those tools keep me afloat?

I have started thinking of my mental health as a sort of rowboat that carries me through the adventure that is life. Let’s call it the S.S. Mental Health.

The boat represents the foundation of my mental health. It is made of my absolute essentials like community, time alone to write, and going out into the world for new experiences. This time a year ago, my little vessel was in good shape.

Then came the pandemic.

After a month of lockdown, my vessel had sprung a leak. But I could handle a leak! I could meditate! And have dance parties with my kids! And talk to my therapist!

But things dragged on. I could plug the leak with a few psych tricks, but I had to reach shore eventually to repair my poor boat. There was, alas, no shore in sight.

Forget a few leaks. Distance learning capsized my mental health boat and pitched me into the angry sea.

Which brings me to the present day.

Folks, I am trying my best but lately, I feel like I am surfing a log on a tsunami during the Apocalypse. How can I rely on a few psych tricks like journaling and texting with friends to patch up my mental health when I don’t even have a damn boat?

And yet, I am still surfing that log. I have a supportive husband, good friends, and a house in a great neighborhood. I manage to find a couple of hours for writing, even if I get interrupted a hundred times by my kids. I have Zoloft and the last season of Schitt’s Creek on standby.

I can stay on this log. I have been training for this shit since I was first diagnosed with postpartum depression in July 2013. This sucks. This is tough. But I can hang on to the log.

If you feel like you are drowning in anxiety and depression and other mental health woes, you are not alone. Mental health tricks are not always enough to keep the boat afloat when the sea has gone bat shit crazy. Please take care of yourself. Please do not beat yourself up if you need some extra tender care during these crazy AF times. I am rooting for all of you even as I hustle to keep my balance on the shitty log that used to be my mental health boat.

Feelings are not, shall we say, my strong suit. When I was nineteen years old and a freshman in college, my cousin Kym died. It was a sudden and unexpected death. I remember that first rush of grief as my parents told me by phone and my sudden tears. And then I remember trying to suppress my grief and tears so I did not embarrass myself in front of my roommates.

For most of my life, I did everything I could to suppress negative feelings. Loneliness? Bury it. Anger? Bury it. Sadness? Bury that shit. More often than not, I used food to keep my feelings in check.

I am working now to build my emotional intelligence. I want to get naked with my feelings and welcome all of them into my life.

Step One: I have to forgive myself for suppressing my feelings for so many years.

Step Two: I have to realize there is nothing to forgive. I was just doing my best to get by in a society that too often sees feelings as a sign of weakness.

The Noom app is helping with this. I am currently working my way through a bunch of lessons about emotions.

But I want to go even deeper in this work, so I am currently reading Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves And Our Society Thrive by Mark Brackett. Brackett was a guest on Brene Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us and I immediately ordered the hardback version of his book after listening to his conversation with Brene. But then distance learning started, and my brain’s available bandwidth plummeted, and I could not handle reading a nonfiction book about my emotions.

Last week, I finally bought the audio version and started listening. I am so grateful I did.

When it comes to emotions, I feel like an idiot. But the concept of emotional intelligence was not introduced to the scientific literature until 1990! Emotional intelligence is a relatively new concept. I am not at all late to the feelings party.

Brackett’s goal is to teach the reader to be an emotions scientist. Humans have evolved to be emotions scientists. Emotions are one of the things that make us so very human. But there are skills we need to learn in order to be an emotions scientist, and most of us have not had the opportunity to learn those skills.

This is my work: to learn the skills I need to become an emotions scientist.

I have started a new project that is separate from my 2021 projects. I am going to read a book written by an author from every country in the world! There are, at present count, 196 countries in the world, so there is no way I am going to finish this project in 2021 (or 2022) (or 2023!) But I thought this would be a fun way to “travel” the world – especially now, when travel is limited by the pandemic.

I am going to do this alphabetically to give my project a little more structure. I started a few days ago with The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini for Afghanistan. This book has been on my Want To Read book for years, so it is an excellent way to kick off my Around The World With Books! project.

I am listening to the audiobook. Finding audiobooks will be the trickiest part of this project. Well, actually finding books that have been translated into English from more “obscure” countries will be the trickiest part of this project. There are some TINY countries in the world. Will I be able to find a book by an author from Kiribati? Or Cabo Verde? What about Lichtenstein?

But once I find a book that I want to read from a particular country, then I will listen to the audio version if it’s available. I am doing most of my reading that way these days. But the pandemic and distance learning will eventually end, and I’ll get my brain back, and I’ll be able to read good old fashioned paperbacks again someday. (Right?)

I am not going to worry about Albania-Zimbabwe. One country, one book at a time. Right now, I am enjoying my literary trip to Afghanistan. By the end of this decade, I will have traveled the world without ever boarding an airplane or packing a suitcase.

I have been slowly reading Warrior Goddess Training: Become The Woman You Are Meant To Be by Heatherash Amara. Ordinarily, I would have inhaled this book in a few sittings. But since the first shutdown last March, I am reading in slow motion. Partly, this is because my brain is worn out from 2020; and partly, because I just don’t have much time to sit down and read.

Yesterday, I read this passage in Warrior Goddess Training and it really hit home:

When steel is tempered, heat and pressure are used to strength the metal. When a butterfly first begins to emerge from its cocoon, it must struggle in order to strengthen its wings. If someone frees the butterfly from its cocoon prematurely, it will not be able to fly because its crucial tempering stage will not have occurred. In one experiment where an entire ecosystem was created within a protected bubble, the healthy trees fell unexpectedly. Researchers later realized that these trees needed wind in order to build their structural strength to stay upright.

Warrior Goddess Training, pg. 82.

The pandemic is hard. Distance learning is hard. But hard things help us build strength and resilience. Tough experiences strengthen our wings so we can fly.

I am trying to hold on to this idea as I continue onward. It’s not easy. It’s been nearly a year since Pippa’s school closed, and we have no idea when Pasadena schools will resume. When will we start hybrid? How long will hybrid last? And now there are rumors and rumblings about summer school. It’s just a lot of uncertainty, and I am weary. I am worn out.

I am a butterfly fighting to emerge from her cocoon. A bar of steel being tempered by heat and pressure. A tree being buffeted by winds to build my structural strength.

2020 was tough AF. So far, 2021 has been a steaming pile of crap.

But I am getting stronger. I am becoming more resilient. My wings are getting ready to fly.

I am holding on to these thoughts, but I am also allowing myself to feel weary and worn out. I am not superhuman. I might look back at this time someday and feel grateful for all the resilience and flexibility I developed. But that does not mean I have to enjoy these strange, tempering times.

Last week, I wrote about our biological imperative to EAT ALL THE FIGS because though it may be the 21st century, we have the same biology as our cave ancestors. Evolution is just too damn slow to keep pace with humanity!

Then I examined the reason diets fail. Most diets are based on willpower and self-control. They ignore our basic biological imperative to EAT ALL THE FIGS. These diets in turn fuel toxic beliefs about our self-worth, leading to shame. I don’t know about you, but when I feel shame about my body and weight, I just end up eating more food, which creates more shame, which leads to more mindless eating, in a vicious loop…

But what does all this mean? Am I doomed to be overweight forever? Hell no!

I’d like to introduce you to my friend neuroplasticity. (Try saying that three times fast!)

Neuroplasticity is our brain’s ability to lay down new neural pathways. Translation: our brain’s are incredibly flexible. Humans have a breathtaking capacity to grow and change.

Thanks to neuroplasticity, I can change my relationship with food. Lately, when I feel tempted by a sugary sweet, I hit the Pause button and think, I feel that cavewoman instinct to eat all the figs, but I’m a 21st century bad ass. I get to consciously and intentionally choose the foods I eat.

Believe it or not, this actually helps. I can feel the siren call of sweets slowly but surely fading. I can’t snap my fingers and change my cavewoman programming overnight. But with time and consistency, I think I can.

I’ve changed my brain before, most notably when I was recovering from postpartum depression in 2013. I had debilitating anxiety and worked with a psychologist to change my thought patterns. Through therapy and journaling, I rewired my brain. Now I am a much less anxious person.

Now I am using psychology to rewire my brain’s relationship with food. Instead of a psychologist, I am working with the Noom app. I do not want to call Noom a diet. Yes, it’s teaching me how to lose weight and includes food logging. But it’s also teaching me how to work with my feelings, set goals, and build social support.

Other diets commanded, “Eat this, not that,” and then just expected me to follow the rules. Those diets basically tossed me into shark-infested waters and shouted, “Good luck!” Not Noom. Noom is helping me build a toolkit for a lifetime of healthy eating. I can’t begin to distill it’s lessons into a single blog post!

Here’s the weird thing: I have not lost much weight since starting Noom, but I am still convinced this app is changing me for the better. I look back at the past twelve months, and I see incredible personal growth. I have a much healthier relationship with food and my body than I did twelve months ago. I still have plenty to learn (and plenty of weight to lose) but I am optimistic that I will with the tools Noom is giving me.

It’s not about will power or self control. That might work for some people, but it does not work for me. I felt a lot of shame about that in the past, but I am working to release that shame. I am working with Noom to rewire my cavewoman brain.

With a little psychology, I can upgrade my biology.

Have you ever looked around a waiting room to make sure no one was watching as you took a magazine quiz about your sexual prowess? Do you ever take the results of a personality quiz just a little too seriously? Have you ever kept changing your answers to an online quiz so you would not be placed in House Slytherin? If so, then this is the quiz for you! If not, who are you and why are you reading this blog post?

(1) It’s 2 a.m. and you just remembered that you forgot to help your third grader study for their spelling test…

a. Who needs spelling? Isn’t that why we have autocorrect?

b. Didn’t everyone else have their kids memorize the dictionary for some light intellectual stimulation during summer vacation?

c. Everybody up! Nobody sleeps until Junior has mastered the spelling list!

d. I will torch the city if my child’s teacher dares give him anything less than a 100% on a spelling quiz.

(2) It’s Back to School Night! On Zoom!

a. What’s Back to School Night?

b. I prepared a slideshow for the teacher’s presentation and a packet with helpful information and tips for the parents. I photocopied the packets at my own expense (it was just 87 pages per parent) and then hand delivered the packets to everyone’s home so we can all be on the same page.

c. What if the teacher hates me?! What if I ruin my kid’s life???

d. I polish my shotgun in plain view of my computer’s camera.

(3) The learning device issued by your child’s school malfunctions:

a. Far out. Beach day!

b. I own several backup devices for this sort of eventuality and seamlessly swap in a new device so that my child does not miss a nanosecond of distance learning.

c. Why me?! Why now?! Reboot! Reboot! It’s not rebooting! My child is never getting into Harvard now! I have ruined her life! Oh why won’t you reboot? For the love of all things holy, just reboot!!!

d. I shoot the device with my shotgun and then have my people deliver a message to the Superintendent.

(4) Your child is frustrated because it is hard to focus when the internet connection keeps kicking her out of Google Meets. You tell your child:

a. Let’s take the next month off of school. We can work on your bartending skills. Your martini is an embarrassment to the entire family.

b. My child is never frustrated because I have a PhD in developmental psychology.

c. I can’t! I can’t! I cannot process any more feelings! Too many feelings!

d. I send my minions to the internet provider and they sort things out.

(5) One of the kids in your child’s class constantly interrupts the teacher, harasses the other students, and hacks into Google Meets and screens some troubling clips from The Shining. You think:

a. I really like martinis.

b. I will organize a petition, galvanize the PTA, and snuff out this nonsense. I will also send some brochures for military school to the brat’s parents.

c. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I have to call my therapist. Where’s my emergency chocolate?

d. That’s my kid! I could not be prouder.

(6) The Superintendent sends an email announcing that in-person instruction will not begin for at least another three months. You:

a. Rejoice! Three more months of reenacting episodes of The Floor Is Lava with my kids!

b. Experience a flutter of disappointment, quickly snuff it out, and plan the next six months of supplementary curriculum so my child is ready to skip at least one grade (two would be better) by the time this is over.

c. Curl up in the fetal position beneath the kitchen table and refuse to come out for the next 36 hours.

d. Look up the Superintendent’s home address.

(7) Mid-semester, your child’s school announces they are rolling out an exciting new learning platform:

a. Wait! Let me turn my body into a human bridge so you can crawl across me from the couch to the coffee table. Focus! The floor! Is! Lava!

b. I used my experience as a computer programmer to design the new learning platform. I will donate the royalties to charity.

c. What? Can they do that? I just figured out the old platform! My brain cannot handle a new one!

d. Someone is going to die.

(8) Your child’s report card indicates that she is struggling with math.

a. But just how important is subtraction?

b. That’s not possible. The principal better fix this immediately. Nothing will tarnish my child’s future!

c. I knew it. It’s my fault. She got the “bad at math” genes from me.

d. I am going to teach that so-called teacher a lesson about what it means to struggle.

(9) Your child’s school is distributing art supplies:

a. Far out! Let’s go get the art supplies! Has anyone seen my car keys? No? Nevermind. At least we tried.

b. I spearheaded the acquisition of art supplies and suggested a few projects based on my college internship at The Louvre.

c. We’re late! Our pickup slot was from 11:00-11:20 and it’s 11:21 and I can see the principal glaring at me.

d. We already got art supplies last month after a box fell off the back of a truck, if you know what I mean.

(10) Distance learning is finally over:

a. We might as well miss the rest of this school year and start fresh in November. What? School starts in August?

b. Now I can reclaim my destiny as PTA President and whip this school back into shape.

c. I swear, these are happy tears.

d. Retribution will be swift.

And the Results…

Mostly As, Jeff Spicoli. Your equanimity is impressive but also a bit alarming. It might be time to accept your parents’ offer to raise your kids.

Mostly Bs, Monica Geller. Calm down. You are making us all look bad. We do not need croquembouche at the bake sale.

Mostly Cs, Courtney Henning Novak. Calm down. Everyone is struggling. We all hate this.

Mostly Ds, Tony Soprano/Sauron. You are absolutely terrifying. Please don’t kill me.

If this quiz made you laugh, then you will want to check out my book, The Distance Learning Activity Book For Parents Just Barely Holding On To Their Last Shred of Sanity. It includes this quiz, plus lots of other snarky activities, like Distance Learning Merit Badges, Bingo, mascots, and more.

If you did not like this post, I’ve got nothing for you.

I started the year with a lot of goals and projects, knowing that at least a few would fall by the wayside. That’s part of my process. I like to take on more projects than I can possibly handle to see which ones actually stick.

Let’s take a look at what actually happened with my goals and projects during the first month of 2021:

Quitting Soda: Nailed it! I did not drink a single sip of soda in January. I barely have a craving for soda anymore, and when I do, my immediate reaction is, Blech, then I’d lose my streak. I love a good streak. I made trackers for my various goals at the beginning of the year, and filling in a heart bubble for every day I forego soda is very satisfying. Now that I have 31 hearts in a row, I want to see how much longer I can sustain the streak. My original thought was to allow myself one soda every week, but I think for me, quitting it completely works better.

Blog Every Weekday: I did! I enjoyed it and the more I blog, the more I want to keep doing it. Is blogging dead? Meh, don’t care. It’s a tool that is helping me do my inner work, so hell yes, I am going to continue blogging on weekdays.

Finish the Room Mom Novel I Started In November: I am making excellent progress with revisions and thoroughly enjoying this work. I worked on it twenty-five out of thirty-one days in January, which felt just right.

Learn French: I used Duolingo every single day. That streak is currently up to 635 days. The work of learning a new language feels good for my brain. It’s like a gym workout but without the sweat or men grunting obnoxiously.

Tap Dance: My goal is to tap dance at least 100 times in 2021. I tapped twice early in January. I would like to keep at this. This will be easier when both my kids actually go to school, but I do not want to wait for that. Sometimes it feels like Pippa is never going back. Actually, there are rumblings about going to hybrid in February, but I’ll believe that when it happens. Until then, I want to tap. I think I need to order myself a dvd with actual lessons to follow. That might be more satisfying than finding random YouTube tutorials.

Roller Skate: My goal is to roller skate 50 times in 2021. I roller skated once in January. It’s a start! But Pippa broke her nose, and I’m not going to skate again until her nose is healed. Solidarity. The poor kid misses being able to skate. It seems cruel to strap on my pink skates when she is stuck in the slow lane.

Play the Piano: My goal was to play the piano 100 times in 2021. I didn’t play at all. Meh, looks like this is a goal that does not want to stick. Mama has to sleep!

Post On Instagram Daily: Yes! I posted daily in January. I enjoyed it. I like this project.

Walk An Average of 12,000 Steps in 2021: I crunched the numbers and I averaged 12,874 steps in the month of January. Woot woot! My biggest day was January 9 with 19,300 steps. My smallest day was January 29 with 9,200 steps – which is still way better than what I used to average once upon a time before I got my Fitbit.

Do A Weekly Tarot Reading: Did this. Loved it. It’s a great tool for touching base with my intuition.

Read 100 Books For Myself: I’m on track here! I read 8 books for myself in January. Mostly audio books. I’ll write a separate post about this soon.

Do 25 “Big” Craft Projects: I finished two projects: (1) a crochet sweater for Pippa and (2) my first punch needle project. Very satisfying. I love crafting!

Try 100 New Recipes: I tried thirteen new recipes in January! It was fun and this project got me back into my cooking groove. I will do a separate post on this as well.

Go Down 100 Slides: I went down exactly zero slides. We just didn’t go to a lot of playgrounds. There was a heat wave, so the kids did tons of water play at home. Then there was rain, and then Pippa broke her nose. I still like the spirit of this project and I’m going to keep it on the back burner.

50 Different Places: I went to six new places in January: a beach; a walk along the Arroyo; a special compounding pharmacy for my testosterone prescription; the Arroyo Seco Racquet Club for Pippa’s tennis lessons (she made it to two lessons, and then broke her nose); the Emergency Room for said broken nose; and then a pediatric plastic surgeon who took a special look at the nose and confirmed it’s healing nicely on its own. In a non-pandemic world, I’d be going to museums and different parts of the city, but I am working with what I’ve got. I definitely feel better when I get to go somewhere different and having this project keeps me on the lookout for new outings.

French Braid My Hair 100 Times: I didn’t make a ton of progress here, but I did try (and fail spectacularly) twice and then I watched a helpful YouTube video. Then I felt like I injured my shoulder twisting my arm into weird shapes. But I will persevere! I will end this year knowing how to French braid my hair!

Exercise: In addition to my steps, I am doing stretching, cardio and strength training. I stretched every day but one in January (about twenty minutes each day). For cardio, I did the 3-2-1 method. During my walks, I walk at an easy pace for three minutes, a moderate pace for two minutes, and then super mega intense for one minute. I repeat this cycle five times for a total of 30 minutes. I did this type of cardio 15 times in January. Woot woot! I did strength training with my free weights and resistance bands 12 times. I am definitely doing better with exercise than I did this time last year, so go me.

Meditation: Using the Calm app, I meditated twenty-four times.

Journaling: I journaled 29 days. This practice is really the foundation of my mental health.

Noom: I continued using the Noom app in January and followed the program 28 out of 31 days. This program is fundamentally changing my relationship with food.

Activity Book: I want to make another activity book this year, but with the demands of distance learning, I just haven’t had the time — but the year is young! I am slowly gathering ideas for a snarky activity book about pregnancy. When I finish revisions on my room mom novel and send it to an editor, I’ll work on the pregnancy activity book.

Geography: I studied geography every day on my favorite app. I love it. I am getting a much better handle on the countries of the world.

Podcasting: My goals is to publish 25 new episodes this year. I’ve done one so far. Maybe I’ll have the time to do another this week? That would be nice. The first day Pippa starts hybrid school, I am racing home and recording a podcast episode.

Gardening: I started an herb garden with the kids and addressed a “situation” with a cat. (The “situation” being that the cat was pooping in my vegetable patch.) I am planning to add two raised beds to our garden for some bitching summer gardening.

Decluttering: I made some headway here. I cleared out my clothes closet and the kids’ clothes closet, dealt with a big mess of craft supplies, cleaned up the trunk of my car (it had become a pit of despair), tidied my desk and nightstand, and cleared out all the junk that had been stuck behind our poor piano. It’s actually very uplifting to write about this. There is still a lot to declutter but it’s cheering to see the progress I’ve made.

Photo Albums: I am YEARS behind on photo albums. I have nearly finished uploading our 2020 photos to Shutterfly. Then I’ll make that album and move on to 2019. It’s time traveling, sort of.

Monthly Family Photo: Oops, forgot about this. [blush]

One Second Everyday: I did this more days than not and I am slowly getting into the habit of taking a quick daily video to add to the collection. I enjoy it. It’s a fun family memory.

Newsletter: My goal is to send my newsletter 2x per month. I did not send it in January. Oh well. Here’s to February! (Or not…)

Balloon Animals: I set a fun goal to make 25 balloon animals in 2021. I bought some balloons but didn’t try this yet. I have to though, because the heroine in my Room Mom Novel knows how to make balloon animals. So I have to give this a try just so I know how to write about it.

Whew! Overall, my 2021 goals and projects have been a big success. They are helping me build and sustain momentum during these strange distance learning times. Projects make me happy, so I’m glad to have so many!