It’s not you, it’s me.

Actually, who am I kidding? IT IS YOU.

You have been treating me like garbage for ten months now and I’m getting just a bit tired of your mind games and emotional terrorism.

I have stayed in this relationship because you keep promising to change and switch to hybrid. You dirty rotten LIAR. Why must you toy with my emotions? You promised LAST FREAKING JUNE that you were changing, that you were going to let kids go to school, even if it was just for a few hours a week.

Now look at us. IT IS JANUARY AND STOP TELLING ME THAT THINGS MIGHT CHANGE IN FEBRUARY I CANNOT HANDLE THIS EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

I am giving you an ultimatum: figure out your shit, deal with your issues, AND LET MY KID GO BACK TO SCHOOL FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY AND SACRED. Or that’s it. I’m moving on.

That’s right. You heard me. I would rather home school a hundred children than deal with your bullshit anymore. I am only tolerating your abominable filth for a few more months because that’s all I’ve got left in me. I can’t do this indefinitely. I would rather move to Idaho.

If you have not let my daughter go to school before the end of second grade, WE ARE BREAKING UP. I will home school, so help me, Baby Yoda. Have I made myself clear?

Love,

Courtney

p.s.I HATE YOU and I throw up a little in my mouth every time I look at you.

A few days ago, I listened to the audiobook Goodbye,Things by Fumio Sasaki. It was a four and a half hour listen and came across my radar because it’s one of the books included in my Audible membership (as of right now). It’s also available in paperback but these distance learning days, I get most of my reading down with audiobooks.

Sasaki shares his journey from maximalist to minimalist and describes the benefits he has reaped from this lifestyle change. I thoroughly enjoyed the book and listened to the entire thing between Friday evening and Saturday afternoon. Translation: I could not stop listening!

I even did some decluttering while listening to the book. I doubt I will ever declutter enough to be considered a minimalist, but I would definitely like to reduce our possessions to only the things we need. Which would mean I was actually a minimalist, according to Sasaki’s definition, but I doubt anyone would accuse me of being minimalist with all the kids’ paraphanelia.

Chapter Three, 55 Tips to Say Goodbye to Your Things, was my personal favorite. Here are a few tips that I found extra inspiring:

• Think of the city as your floor plan. I do not need to own every book I love if I remember libraries are part of my floor plan. I do not need to amass huge collections of trinkets when I can visit museum with much better collections. (Except now, during the flipping pandemic. Pasadena libraries and museums have been closed for nearly a year.)
• Think of stores as your personal warehouses. I do not need to stockpile things like batteries, pens and laundry detergent. Sure, it might be cheaper to buy some things in bulk – but did I factor in the cost of dedicating space to bulk purchases? After the 2020 toilet paper shortages, it is tempting to buy All the Toilet Paper and create a massive stockpile. It feels like a security blanket against Armageddon. But if Armageddon strikes, am I really going to be worried about toilet paper?
• If you lost it, would you buy it again? If not, why are you holding on to it?

I am sick of being owned by my things. It feels like there is always another mess to tidy, another drawer to empty, another cabinet to organize. I do not want to waste my precious time with the constant nagging sense that I am being buried by an avalanche of stuff.

Fumio Sasaki advances a convincing argument that when it comes to things, less stuff means more living. That ideas really resonates with me right now. While I do not see my family moving into a one room cabin any time soon, I would like to approach my 2021 decluttering efforts with a minimalist mindset.

Today is my birthday. I am 42 years old. Woot woot!

I told myself yesterday that I was going to use this day to celebrate myself. I baked myself a cake! And truly, what else do I need for my birthday?! So there’s a pandemic that has cancelled life in Pasadena. But that’s okay! I have my fabulous mindset! I can just rise over the circumstances because I have grown so much this past year, blah blah blah.

Yeah. Fuck all that shit I thought yesterday. Pandemic birthdays suuuuuuck soooooo muuuuuuch.

It’s a Tuesday. If this had been a non-pandemic year, I would have taken my children to school, done some writing, and then gotten myself a massage. Maybe I would have met some friends or my parents for lunch. On the weekend, I would go to my favorite day spa and get a Korean scrub. Then Nathan and I would go out for a fancy dinner, and I would wear the pretty green dress I bought less February, right before Le Shit Hit Le Fan.

Instead, I got a shitty night’s sleep. #ThanksPMS. Then Julian had a big breakdown over Covid-19 and having to wear a mask at preschool. Then I stomped my foot and threw a tantrum, telling my five year old that I did not want to deal with whining on my birthday. That made him cry. A lot. We hugged and made up and I apologized, but wow, what a shit lousy start to my forty-second year on Planet Earth.

I did not get to spend a couple of hours writing because #DistanceLearning.

I did not get a massage because #Pandemic.

I did not have lunch at a restaurant with friends because #DistanceLearningAndPandemic.

Yesterday, I tried to lower my expectations for my birthday because I knew I would be stuck in the distance learning shit hole. But sigh, my birthday has really underscored just how shitty my life is right now. I am doing my best to make the most of a crappy situation but it’s been a long, long time since Pippa’s school closed. I know we are all dealing with the same shittiness. I know my shittiness is better than a lot of people’s shittiness.

But it is still shitty.

However, venting about my feelings — in my journal, to Nathan, to parents at preschool when I picked up Julian, and now in this blog post — has been enormously cathartic. Also, I now fully appreciate why Pippa was devastated when we had to cancel her birthday party last March. I feel grumpy about having a pandemic birthday, and I’m 42! Poor kid, it must suck to have the pandemic crap all over your seventh birthday. And at the rate things are going here in Pasadena, it seems like the pandemic will be taking another dump on her eighth birthday. I had sympathy for her last March, but this March, I will have empathy.

Now please excuse me. There’s a birthday cake I have to go frost.

Over the summer, I skipped a period and my naturopath and I decided I should do some hormonal testing to see what was up. I assumed that I was entering early perimenopause since my mom started perimenopause when she was forty-one. (I turn forty-two tomorrow!) The test results indicated that I had not entered perimenopause but my testosterone levels were low.

My naturopath suggested I start taking supplemental testosterone. I could do this in one of two ways: a daily cream or a little “pill” that is inserted surgically into the thigh. I was concerned that either method would turn me into something like this:

My doctor assured me I would just feel more energized. I decided to try the testosterone cream and filled the prescription at a compounding pharmacy that mixed up my prescription. I applied the cream at bedtime and the next morning, I woke up and felt like this:

Every day, I felt more and more energized. It was like the best caffeine high but without the crash or jitters. The testosterone made me feel vibrant and extra alive.

Then I got used to it and took it for granted. My prescription ran out shortly after Christmas and I did not want to deal with the hassle of filling a prescription during the holidays. Heck, I thought, I probably did not need the testosterone that much anyway.

For the first few days, I did not notice any change in my energy. But then, the fatigue hit. I felt drained no matter how well I had slept.

I had returned to my pre-testosterone levels which used to be perfectly tolerable. Except now I had had a taste of vibrantly alive I could feel. I did not want to return to those lower energy levels! II called my doctor’s office the first Monday of 2021 and requested a refill. When the pharmacy called and asked if I wanted them to mail the refill, I said, “No, thanks! I’ll pick it up when it’s ready!” I wanted my testosterone immediately if not sooner.

It was really annoying when I skipped my period last summer. I felt so edgy for weeks with all those pent up hormones. But now, I am glad that happened. Because I skipped my period, I decided to get some hormone testing; and because I got hormone testing, I learned my testosterone levels were low; and because I learned my testosterone levels were low, I started taking supplemental testosterone.

And it turns out that for me, a little testosterone creates a lot of magic!

It’s Friday. My second grader did not go to pod this week, and man oh man, I am drained.

Pippa has a pod with two boys in her second grade class. She loves pod because she gets to be with other kids. I love pod because a babysitter oversees it, which means I actually get to do some uninterrupted writing.

We did not have pod this past week because the babysitter who supervises pod was feeling under the weather. We are not having it next week because the Covid-19 numbers are high and the parents who host pod are not comfortable having everyone over right now.

I get it. I truly do.

But.

It’s really tough to do distance learning without our sweet little pod.

Yesterday, I was in really great spirits. Today, I feel defeated, drained and burned out. I know I am just riding the distance learning emotional rollercoaster. But I am also listening to my feelings. My feelings are not just there to torment me. They are messengers with calls to action.

I tuned into my feelings today.

They were shouting, Yo, Courtney! You are depleted! You need some downtime! And you need to write without being interrupted every two minutes!

My feelings were right. The kids have been quarrelsome this week. I don’t blame them. They have been through a lot. But still, it’s tough to be constantly breaking up their squabbles. Also, I had to manage Pippa’s distance learning without pod this week and I am bummed that pod is on hiatus. I am an introvert who needs time alone, to reflect, ruminate and write. I have not been getting that time for oh, nine and a half months now. It’s been a long slog.

That is why my kids are watching YouTube right now. At least, I assume they are still watching YouTube. I am at my desk, headphones on, door closed, and they have left me alone. They are watching YouTube so I do not have a nervous breakdown.

I am already feeling better. I’ve been trying to restrict screen time — there has been so much freaking screen time since we first went into lockdown last March — but damnit, my mental health matters. There are a lot of things that support my mental health, from exercise and fresh air to Zoloft and therapy. Letting the kids watch YouTube is one of the tools in my mental health kit. It was the tool I needed today.

Well, it is a new year and a new semester of second grade, but the same old distance learning shit show.

I had hoped my book would be irrelevant by now. Sadly, it is not.

We are still running a marathon with no hint of a finish line. I guess we are long past the standard marathon and are somewhere in the zone of a “ultra crazy mega infinite marathon.”

Oddly enough, my spirits are fine. I’m used to the abomination that is distance learning now. I sometimes get confused why I do not have more time to get things done. Then I remember: distance learning. I get interrupted by Pippa’s distance learning issues so much, it’s a wonder I even have time to shower.

Actually, I have not had a chance to shower yet today.

When I start to feel exasperated with my inability to finish my To Do list, I have to take a deep breath and remind myself, This is crazy tough and insane. This is demanding and emotional and draining. This is a total fuck.

I think about the day when both my kids are back in school full time. When will that be? Next fall? 2022? I do not know when that sweet day will arrive, but when it does, my life will seem so easy compared to the present fiasco. I will have oodles and oodles of time to declutter the house, revise my novel, and exercise. Hell, I might even take a painting class.

Distance learning is motherhood boot camp. When this is over, I’ll have some bitching abs.

Or at least a better appreciation of my free time.

I decided to break up with soda for 2021. I am nearly done with Day 6 and doing much better than I predicted. I thought I would be DYING for just a SIP of Caffeine Free Diet Coke. Instead, I occasionally feel a flutter of a soda craving that is easily squashed with some fruity sparkling water.

I think two things have been helping me with my 2021 Soda Fast.

First, my soda consumption was out of control in December. I was guzzling caffeine-free soda almost constantly. My blood was probably brown with Caffeine Free Diet Coke. By December 31, 2020, I was honestly sick of soda.

But I made myself keep drinking soda on New Year’s Eve as a sort of last hurrah. My gums were actually hurting but I soldiered on. I was disgusted with the stuff by the time I went to bed on the last day of 2020. I woke up on New Years’ Day eager to shed myself of an addiction that had turned from pleasure to burden.

Second, I am tracking my soda free days. I tracked a lot of my self-care practices in my bullet journal in 2020 but decided to get fancy with my tracking this year and created some templates on Canva.

At day’s end, I fill in a heart bubble to commemorate the success of another Soda Free day. It’s very satisfying to see the bubbles filling up. Now that I have a streak, I feel even more motivated to see just how long I can keep this fast going.

It seems absurd that filling in a heart bubble with green crayon makes me glow with pride, but it does. Maybe next month I’ll up my game to shiny star stickers…

Hi! I’d like to introduce you to my bullet journal.

I started bullet journaling about two years ago. I used special pens and rulers and agonized over drawing cute doodles wherever possible. It was a major pain in my ass.

I quickly gave up my ambition to make the perfect bullet journal and instead focused on making a bullet journal that was perfect for me. That means if I make a mistake, I just cross it out and keep going. I do not bother with rulers when making calendars. And I no longer waste time trying to imitate the ways people decorate their lists and spreads.

I have seen bullet journals that are works of art. And if that’s your jam, have at it! But I do not have the time, energy of inclination to turn my bullet journal into the Mona Lisa. I really just need a place to keep grocery and To Do lists. I don’t need pretty. I need functional.

My Messy AF bullet journal has actually become a great place for me to embrace mistakes and imperfections. I am a recovering perfectionist and my fear of making mistakes used to immobilize me. My messy bullet journal has taught me to release my grip on my desire to be the best at everything.

I am a bit late with these show notes, but hey, better late than never. At the end of the year, I like to reflect on the ways I grew over the past twelve months and then think about what I want to do in the new year.

Back in December 2019, when Covid-19 was barely a blip on my radar, I wanted to use my values to steer me through 2020. Despite the dumpster fire that was 2020, I actually did a fairly decent job of living in line with my values. In future episodes, I’d like to dive deeper into my values but for this episode, I focused on ten that were really important to me in 2020.

(1) Being Healthy and Fit: At the beginning of the year, I set a goal of attending 100 hot yoga classes and averaging 10,000 steps/day. By mid-February, however, I was uncomfortable going to my hot yoga studio — it just seemed too high risk — and by mid-March, the studio was closed. I could have attended some Zoom hot yoga classes, but I hate Zoom, so I released my goal to attend 100 classes. Instead, I walked. Walking was fantastic for my health, mental and physical, and instead of 10,000 steps, I averaged more than 11,000 steps/day in 2020! I also started using Noom in February 2020 and lost about net 10 pounds over the year. Not bad for a year where I was tempted by all the stress eating. In the summer, I started strength training at home. I skipped a period, did some hormone testing, learned my testosterone levels are low and started a testosterone supplement. I also meditated a lot with the Calm App and stretched almost every day. Although 2020 had plenty of challenges, I feel like I ended the year healthier than I began it.

(2) Paying Attention and Being Curious: I used journaling to help me pay attention and be curious about my feelings, thoughts and beliefs. Thanks to this value, I tuned into my anxiety and realized I needed to go back on Zoloft in early July. I also decided that reprising my role as as Cookie Chair for Pippa’s Girl Scout troop would destroy my sanity and relinquished that role.

(3) Going Slow: I totally forgot that “going slow” was one of my values until I read through my writings from 2019. But holy hell, 2020 helped me slow down! Between shutdowns and distance learning, I had not choice but to live more slowly and it was lovely.

(4) Being conscious and intentional: At the end of 2019, I wanted to do monthly and quarterly checks as to how I was living in accord with my values. Oops, I totally lost the habit of doing my monthly and quarterly checks. BUT I did start using the Noom app to log my food choices and that made me a lot more conscious and intentional about eating. I’d like to live even more consciously and intentionally in 2021.

(5) Embracing Change and Uncertainty: Again, holy hell, 2020 was boot camp for change and uncertainty. My god, there were so many changes this year and so. much. uncertainty. And it was TOUGH. I cried, I ranted, I went back on Zoloft. But I ended the year more comfortable with change and uncertainty than I have ever been in my life. I would never have chosen a pandemic for 2020, but I did learn a lot from it.

(6) Connecting with People: I value having meaningful connections with family and friends. In many ways, 2020 was isolating. There are so many people who were part of my regular life who I hardly ever see now. And there are even more people I have not seen in nine months thanks to distance learning! But 2020 also helped me connect more deeply with the people I was able to see. All in all, I would say that I kept this value alive and well in my life during the 2020 shit storm.

(7) Answering My Inner Divine Call: I think of the voice inside of me that tells me what to do as my Inner Divine Call. I also sometimes call her my muse. My inner voice prompted me to start this podcast! Then in the fall, she started telling me to create The Distance Learning Activity Book For Parents Just Barely Holding On To Their Last Shred of Sanity. I resisted that idea but finally relented and the book poured out of me in a month and damn, I love my new book. Then I got the idea to write a novel about a preschool room mom and I finished the first draft of that book in early December. I love that new book as well! Thank you, Divine Call. I’m glad I listened to you in 2020.

(8) Doing the Work: I think of this value as all the work I do to become my best self. In 2020, I certainly did my work through therapy, journaling, listening to podcasts, creating podcast episodes, reading books, and writing here on this blog. And thanks to all the challenges of 2020, the work found me this year! I did not have to go looking for it. I ended the year with better boundaries, a stronger sense of self, and a lot less guilt. All in all, I’m proud of the way I kept this value centered in my life in 2020.

(9) Feeling all my Feelings: 2020 was an emotional rollercoaster. I cried and cried and cried some more, but I laughed a lot, too. I went into the darkness of anxiety and despair and felt intoxicated by hope. All in all, I felt the shit out of my feelings.

(10) Seeking And Embracing Spirituality, Mystery and Magic: At the start of the year, I wanted to go on a day-long meditation retreat. That did not happen. #Pandemic. But I did do a lot of work with the enneagram in the early part of the year and by year’s end, I was lighting a candle at the end of the day to center myself and spend some time with my Divine Beloved. I read Tosha Silver’s Change Me Prayers and learned a whole new way to pray. I definitely deepened my connection with my Divine Beloved in 2020.

Okay, that’s enough about 2020. In the second half of the episode, I looked ahead to 2021. This year, I want to keep living my values. On that front, I also want to do more work to refine my understanding of my values. But I also want to focus on MOMENTUM.

I talked about the various projects I am launching in 2021 to increase my momentum. Curious about those projects? Listen to Episode 19 or read this blog post in which I detail my thoughts on momentum and my 2021 projects.

If you read the entirety of these show notes, please give yourself a gold sticker.

Me! Me! I am! I love projects!

My big goal for 2021 is to rebuild my momentum. Can I talk about momentum for a moment? When I was hospitalized for postpartum depression in 2013, the therapists talked incessantly about momentum. Their favorite analogy was getting off a chair. If you never get off the chair, standing up seems impossible. But if you get up once today, it will be easier to get up tomorrow. If you keep doing little things, those little things will turn into big things. The therapists kept telling the patients that momentum was a huge part of mental health. At the time, I remember thinking they were just a wee bit obsessed with momentum.

Seven and a half years later, I get it.

Take crochet. I wanted to crochet something more exciting than a scarf. To be precise: a sweater. But a sweater just seemed so damn intimidating. For years, I wanted to make sweaters (I knit and crochet) and for years, I kept making scarves. Scarves are lovely but how many scarves do you need in Southern California? But everyone needs sweaters! Yes, even Californians! Yet the thought of starting a sweater seemed insurmountable. I would have to pick a pattern and what if the pattern was confusing? Or what if I figured out the first half but then got stuck? What if I ran out of yarn? and couldn’t get more???

Last fall, I finally picked a pattern, bought some yarn, and started crocheting a sweater for myself. It was very simple. Just three rectangles sewn together. It’s actually more of a blanket with armholes than a sweater. But I did it, and even though I kept making mistakes and had to start over several times, I finished it and damn, that felt good.

Starting my second sweater was much easier. And this time, it has sleeves! This sweater is for Pippa, and even though I have also made lots of mistakes, and had to start over multiple times, I am growing more confident. Now I have visions of owning several handmade sweaters and I already have the yarn for my next two sweaters.

Long story short, momentum is important. That’s why I want to focus on it in 2021. Between the pandemic and distance learning, the first half of 2020 sure did a number on my momentum. But I spent the second half doing more projects and that felt good. Projects are my happy place and when I’m working on a project, it increases my momentum. And so, in 2021, I am embracing ALL THE PROJECTS.

Without further ado, the projects I am tackling in 2021are:

• Quitting soda. All year. Is this really a project? Meh, it’s probably more of an aspiration. But if I call it a project, it feels fun! So let’s call it a project.
• I am going to blog every weekday (except holidays) (although today is a holiday and I’m blogging anyway) (because I was too excited to wait for Monday!)
• Finish the Room Mom novel that I started in November. I am going to revise it as much as I can and then hire an editor. And when the novel is done, I’ll publish! Woot woot!
• Learn French on the Duolingo app. I learned a lot of French in 2020 but I want to double down on my lessons in 2021 and finish the fifth level of French lessons on Duolingo.
• Tap Dance at least 100 times in 2021. I have wanted to tap dance pretty much my entire life. I even bought tap shoes in 2020 and posted a pretty photograph of them on Instagram. But did I ever use those shoes after posting the photo? No, I did not. I just had this vague goal to learn how to tap dance and so I kept procrastinating. Next week, next month, next year… Well, it’s next year and I’m ready! I feel called to tap and damnit, I’m going to answer that call. I put on my shoes today after lunch, queued up a YouTube lesson, and tapped. It felt good and right.
• Roller skate at least 50 times in 2021. Roller skating is another thing I have yearned to do but I have always found lots of excuses to not do it. I went roller skating at a rink once with Pippa in 2019 and it was soooo fun. I want more fun this year! So yesterday, I ordered myself a pair of roller skates. I often take the kids to a park with a great area for roller skating, so damnit, skating is happening.
• Play the piano at least 100 times. I have a mental block from childhood piano lessons. I feel like if I am sitting down to play, I need to play classical music for a long time. But hey, I just want to enjoy the flow of making music. If that means playing a song from The Little Mermaid for five minutes, then hey, that’s what I’ll do. Piano does not have to be about scales and Beethoven.
• Post on Instagram daily. I enjoy Instagram so why not take the two minutes to post something every day.
• Walk An Average of 12,000 steps/day. Last year, I averaged over 11,000 steps per day. Today, I have already walked 16,000+ steps so I’m off to a good start!
• Do A Tarot Card Reading Weekly. This is something I like to do when I’m journaling but I often forget about it. It’s a great way to connect with my intuition and I’m always looking for ways to strengthen my relationship with my intuition.
• Read 100 Books For Myself. I read over 130 books in 2020, but only about 75 of those books were for me. The rest were chapter books for my kids. I was a little braindead from the pandemic but I’d like to get back into reading as ass shit ton (which is just the way I like it).
• Do 25 Craft Projects. For me. I love crafting, so I want more of it in my life. I have a whole list of craft projects but I’ll save that for another post.
• Try 100 New Recipes. I made cinnamon rolls for the first time for breakfast today. One down, ninety-nine to go.
• Go Down 100 Slides. These do not have to be different slides. So theoretically, I could go down the same slide at a park 100x in a row and call it a project. But I’m setting a rule that I can only go down the same slide once on any given day. The point here is to be playful and have fun. It’s so easy when I go to the park with my kids to stand off to the side and stare at my phone. But slides are fun! So what if I look a little crazy?
• 50 Different Places. We were not able to go to a lot of places in 2020, but going to different places fills me joy and energy. I will try to make as many of these places new as possible but if I have not been somewhere in over a year, it counts. Also, the point is to go somewhere different. It does not have to be something grandiose like a museum. A new grocery store counts. I just have to get out of the rut of going to the same parks and Starbucks on endless repeat.
• French Braid My Hair 100 times. I want to learn how to French braid my hair. You know how I will? Practice, practice, practice.

Stay tuned for future reports about my 2021 projects.