Look! Show notes! As promised!

Episode One is really just a hello, welcome, and brief introduction to what I am trying to do with the podcast. In short: I am using this podcast as a tool to thrive during my forties.

Episode Two is the first proper episode. It is about my adventures with anxiety during the Covid-19 pandemic. Here’s an overview of that episode:

• 2013: I had postpartum depression, which involved anxiety, depression and OCD. I started taking Zoloft and Mirtazipane and also worked with a cognitive behavioral therapist. I felt like I became the master of my anxiety.
• Since then, I have continued to do a lot of work on my mental health. I have a therapist, I journal almost daily, and I read a lot of books in the self-help genre.
• At the start of the pandemic, I thought that I was in control of my anxiety. One can even say I was a little smug about this. I had my self-care routine. If I stuck to that, and thought positively, I’d be all set.
• Mid-March 2020: I was taking 7.5 milligrams of Mirtazipane and had been ready to wean off that dose. So I figured, I’ll stay on that for the pandemic and la de da, I’m set.
• Fast forward to early July 2020: I’m taking 30 milligrams of Mirtazipane and 100 milligrams of Zoloft.
• Between March and July 2020: My sleep quality declined. But it was not like I suddenly could not sleep. I was getting enough good sleep that I could ignore the insomnia that was happening. Until wham, I was having way more bad nights than good.
• May 2020: I went up to 30 mg of Mirtazipane, my bedtime sleep aid, but rushed to get back down to the smaller dose of 7.5 mg. I was fine for a bit. Then: back in insomnia land!
• Mid-June 2020: I called my psychiatrist and also made an appointment with my therapist. I went back to 30 mg of Mirtazipane.
• This worked for several days – until it didn’t.
• July 1, 2020: My psychiatrist and I decided it was time to bust out the Zoloft!
• Looking back, there were some red flags: the tightness in my chest for several days that I blamed on allergies; not texting back friends; feeling really overwhelmed by Pippa’s first day of camp. And then: I took the kids to the beach and when I saw the fog coming in, I thought it was a tsunami.
• No More Caffeine: I was so agitated, I quit caffeine cold turkey.
• How the anxiety felt: like a moment of terror that lasted for hours on end. Constant adrenaline
• Pandemic PMS: As my anxiety reached its highest pitch, I was at the end of my menstrual cycle. But the thing is, I’ve had PMS before that is bad for a day. Pandemic PMS is just above and beyond anything I want to handle.

My intuition is telling me to lay off the caffeine and keep on the Zoloft. We are living in a world that just feels flooded with anxiety. Headlines, social media, emails – it’s a lot. I go on a walk, and people are wearing masks. I go to grocery store: masks.

There’s social isolation; lack of things to do and places to go. My kids miss their friends and routines. This adventure is tough on them, and they come pour their messy feelings all over me.

I am seeing that I thought I had mastered my anxiety back when I had postpartum depression, but actually, I still have work to do. That’s okay.

And I also had some resistance to going back on medication. What’s that about? I did a whole podcast about mental health and I published my memoir about having a mental illness. So what gives? But I’m not going to get upset at myself for this resistance. It’s an issue pointing me in the direction of the work I need to do.

My therapist reminded me that plenty of people are dealing with their pandemic anxiety in unhealthy ways. Zoloft is a healthy way for me to manage my anxiety. It is helping me calm down so I can do the work I need to do. It’s a tool in my wellbeing toolkit that I did not need the past couple of years, but now I do.

So that’s it for the first two episodes! I am so excited to be back in the podcasting groove.