In my last post, I blogged about needing to quadruple my dose of Remeron, the anti-anxiety medication I take to sleep, because I was struggling with insomnia. The larger dose seemed to do the trick for a few days.

And then, it did not seem to be doing the trick.

I had two nights of insomnia. I only slept a total of four hours each night. I was deploying all my sleep tricks (including two natural sleep aids recommended by my naturopath) but still, I just lay awake in bed. Utterly exhausted and desperate to sleep but unable to calm my body and mind.

But then I realized: I was suffering from more than insomnia. My body felt like it was cackling with fear. A year and a half ago, we were rear ended on the freeway. We were in slow traffic, and no one was hurt, but the shock of the accident sent rushes of adrenaline racing through my body for several minutes.

That was how I felt for hours and hours on end.

It reminded me of the way I felt during the worst days of my postpartum depression.

I took deep breaths. I meditated and took deeper breaths. I listened to soothing music. I stretched and walked and still the adrenaline kept pounding through my body. I was anxious.

So last week, on July 2, I emailed my psychiatrist and reported what was happening. I wrote that it might be time for me to go back on Zoloft.

She called me back later that day. We had a good talk. She told me that everyone is struggling with anxiety these days, but I do not need to tough it out. I could and should most certainly go back on Zoloft. (I took Zoloft after both my pregnancies for postpartum depression. I have been weaned off Zoloft for just over two years now. Or is it three? Shit, the years of motherhood are a blur!)

I started Zoloft the next morning, July 3, 2020. I did not notice any improvement in my anxiety that day, but I did sleep better that night.

The next day, July 4, I still felt long bouts of adrenaline rushing through my body, but instead of lasting for several hours, they only lasted for an hour. The gaps between bouts seemed to get a little longer every time.

By July 5, I felt considerably better. Adrenaline surges only seemed to last ten or fifteen minutes – still far from pleasant, but much better that what I had been experiencing just a few days earlier.

Now, I should mention: I also quit caffeine. I had sixteen ounces of Diet Coke on the morning of July 2 (yes, I measured it), and then I decided to stop cold turkey. I know, from experience, that caffeine exacerbates my anxiety. When I am in top mental health (e.g. when there is not a pandemic), caffeine does not make my anxious. But when I am experiencing some anxiety (e.g. 2020), and I add caffeine to the mix….

BOOM!

So here I am, sitting at my kitchen table on July 8, 2020 with not quite a week of Zoloft and caffeine withdrawal under my belt, and I am feeling much, much better. When I feel like my adrenaline is activating, I take a few deep breaths and that calms me down.

I understand that for most people, Zoloft can take several weeks to take effect; but when I first took it in July 2013, I noticed a remarkable improvement in my mood after about three days. So I suspect the Zoloft is helping me again now, along with my new abstention from caffeine.

Whew! I think I have written enough for one post. I have a lot more thoughts about anxiety, Zoloft, mental health and the pandemic that I am still processing. I will write more in future blog posts. This is part of my self-care.

This is also yet another adventure in the grand adventure that is my life.

p.s. If you find that you need some extra help in the mental health department, rest assured: you are not alone!