Overall, the Novak family is doing very well during the 2020 Epic Shelter-At-Home Craziness. I feel lucky and blessed to have two healthy children who like to play together. We live in a three bedroom house with a lovely front lawn (used today for an obstacle course and soccer) and when the weather warms up, we can swim in our pool. We have a lemon tree and space for a container garden, and our flat quiet neighborhood is ideal for nature walks and scooter rides. Yes, the Novak family is blessed.

But this is still tough!

Fortunately this week is spring break in Pasadena, and the “break” is giving me a chance to give “distance learning” my best side eye. I hate distance learning. It’s a total and absolute fuck. My kids do not have the disposition for being home schooled, and I don’t have the inclination to do it either. There’s a reason they both go to school! If I let them play, make art, and watch t.v., then we are all okay. But then I start to worry that all of Pippa’s classmates are doing more “distance learning” and she will fall behind, and what sort of mother would neglect her daughter’s phonics?!

F-U-C-K, this is hard!

Mostly, like 98% of the time, I am actually handling the shelter-at-home constraints pretty well. I have surrendered to the experience. I am letting the kids play and snuggle with me (we always do this, just way more than usual), and I am looking at the bright side of things. At least I don’t have to pack school lunches and I have plenty of time to do laundry. At least we are not rushing to get to school on time. At least we have each other. At least, at least, at least …

It’s still hard.

It’s hard to be stuck at home all the time with two kids who miss their friends. It’s hard to spend all this time in Mom Mode and not have enough time for Writer Mode. It’s hard to not know when this will fucking end.

I am trying to find the right mixture of “we got this!” and “holy shit, this is hard.” I don’t know that there is actually a right mixture. Instead, it’s more that I have to get comfortable with making space for both ideas in my heart.

Because yes, I’ve got this. I’m actually thriving while I shelter-at-home with my kids. I am blogging, I recorded my first podcast episode in a year and a half, and I’m making decent progress on the first draft of my fantasy novel. I am taking damn good care of myself and my kids, thank you very much, and there are like a hundred ideas on my Pinterest Quarantine board that we are yet to touch. We can do this!

But wow oh wow, this is hard. It’s not natural! I think of my cave women ancestors, venturing forth into the world, bravely and boldly with each other. Humans are not meant to hide in their caves alone for weeks and weeks on end. Yet that is what we are doing. I know it is for the greater good but that does not mean it is easy or natural.

I can do this, but damn, it’s tough. Are there any pandemic merit badges? Because I feel like I have earned at least a dozen at this point and by the time this is over, and we are free to go to birthday parties and museums and restaurants, I will have earned enough merit badge to wallpaper my entire house.