I want to write something thoughtful and meaningful, but all I can think is: Blerg blerg blerg.

Also: this sucks.

And: what the fucking fuck?

I am trying to find some balance. Pre-Covid-19 Shit Storm Extraordinaire, I scoffed at that word. Balance? There’s no such thing! Balance is just the word that the patriarchy uses to keep women frantically running about, trying to juggle a career, kids, and dynamite sex life while also having several Pinterest-worthy hobbies and amazing hair.

But now, as I keep trying to adjust to these Strange AF Times, I find the word “balance” creeping into my mental lexicon. But I’m not preoccupied with work/life balance. I am trying to find the balance between “having an upbeat mindset” and “letting my shitty feelings run loose.” And so far, I have no idea what the balance between Feelings and Mindset looks like for me during a fucking pandemic.

(But I do know this: when I am sheltering at home, it does help to do All the Swearing. I can’t do this in front of the kids, so I find myself swearing right here, in conversations with Nathan, and also during my telephone calls with my 94 year old grandma who, god bless, laughs whenever I drop an F-bomb.)

For nearly seven years, ever since I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, I have been working to become a healthier, happier person. (I don’t mean to shit over my pre-PPD self. I love that lady! But I was anxious and not living my most authentic life.) During all my work, I have learned a couple of big things:

1. I have to feel my feelings, even (and especially) the feelings that feel crappy. I have to honor my feelings and listen to their messages and lessons. Otherwise, my feelings get buried and loiter in my subconscious where they fester and turn toxic and malignant; and then I eat all the food; feel gross; eat more food; feel lonely, isolated, etc.; until I finally wave the white flag and feel the feelings (at therapy or while writing in my journal) and then hallelujah, I can move on. Long story short: I might as well feel the feelings as they happen. It’s less fattening.
2. There are a lot of uncertainties in life. I can’t control the weather, or the asshole who cuts me off on the freeway, or the crowds at Target, and I sure as hell cannot control the ongoing pandemic. The only thing I can control is my mindset. My mindset is not something I can describe in a single blog post, but I feel like my best self when I remember: surrender to the flow of life; the obstacle is the way; and life is my ashram.

Pre-pandemic, I was getting pretty good at feeling my feelings while keeping a mindset that embraced the abundance of magic, love and divinity in the world. I could experience my less-than-jolly feelings without getting sucked into a blackhole of despair. In fact, I rather enjoyed experiencing my crap feelings because afterwards, I felt lighter and happier.

But right now? Holy shit, I just don’t know.

Yesterday I felt pretty good. The day before yesterday I also felt pretty good and, dare I say it, a little zen. But today I feel like breaking a bunch of shit and screaming obscenities and then eating all the chocolate in Pasadena. In other words, my feelings (fuck! shit! piss! and corruption!) are completely at war with my thoughts (chill, baby, chill; this is not so bad compared to World War II, am I right?)

Honestly, I want to let my thoughts take over. My thoughts are pretty upbeat and charming. But if I let my mindset take charge, then my feelings will get denied, and I might eat all the Girl Scout cookies (and we have a lot of Girl Scout cookies).

I suppose I have to get comfortable with not knowing how the hell I am supposed to do this whole shelter-at-home shit show. Also, having felt like brittle and prickly for several hours today, I’ll probably feel like sunshine tomorrow morning.

And I know I am not alone in this. Everyone in California is sheltering at home. (Or, at least that’s what they are supposed to be doing!) Plenty of other states have issued shelter at home orders. Then there’s Italy and China. So many millions and millions and millions of people are affected by Covid-19, and all of us are having feelings. We are dealing (or not dealing) with those feelings in different ways, but as humans, we are all most certainly having an emotional experience alongside the pandemic.

Wow. Having written that, I actually feel a bit better. I am not alone, and once I have let the latest batch of shitty feelings run their course, I’ll be able to feel a little less peeved and I might even get excited about tomorrow’s Pinterest projects.

Spoiler alert: I’m thinking homemade playdough.