As I wrote in my last post, I have ditched my goal to lose 100 pounds. Instead, I am determined to become a person who is healthy and fit.

James Clear’s book Atomic Habits has become my self-care bible. Clear advocates a two-step process for identity change. The first step is to decide the type of person you want to be. Check! I want to be a person who is healthy and fit. The more I think about this identity change, the more I love it. For the past twenty-five years, I’ve almost always had a weight loss goal. Sometimes it was just a few pounds. More recently, it was a big whooping 100. But my weight loss goals were never accompanied by an identity change. I didn’t even think about my identity! But if I had, I would have identified as “a fat person who needs to lose weight.”

Do you see the problem with this?

I thought of myself as a fat person who needed to lose weight. How could I effectively lose weight with that sort of identity? It was a self-defeating prophecy that undermined any attempts to lose weight. Being fat and needing to lose weight were programmed into my identity. Before I had even finished losing the weight, I already assumed I’d gain it and have to lose it all over again.

Not this time! I am no longer a fat person who needs to lose weight. I don’t want to indulge in that sort of cruel self-loathing anymore. I want to love myself, and it is much more loving and compassionate to think of myself as a person who is fit and healthy.

So I have adopted my new identity. I am a healthy and fit person. Now what?

According to Atomic Habits, I need to prove this new identity to myself with small wins. I get to do that by adopting small habits that will help me fortify my new identity.

James Clear writes extensively about the science of habits and behavior change. It’s great. I highly recommend Atomic Habits to anyone interested in self-care and self-improvement. That said, I’m not going to summarize al the science of habits and behavior for you because Clear has already done that in his book. Buy the book.

But selfishly, I am going to blog about my work to integrate Clear’s methods into my life because writing helps me rewire my brain.

Clear recommends creating a Habits Scorecard (which is just a fancy way to say “make a list of your daily habits”). The Habits Scorecard helps you become aware of your habits because it’s very easy to be oblivious to the things you are actually doing every day. After listing your habits, you can also rate them to see if they are actually serving or undermining your identity.

Without further adieu, here is my first attempt at a Habit Tracker! I just listed everything I did on Monday, July 15, 2019 in my Bullet Journal.

• Wake up 6:45 (I have been waking up without an alarm over the summer and it’s a wonderful luxury. But in a few weeks, I’ll need to get back into the habit of setting an alarm so I can get the kids ready for school without rushing.)
• Get out of bed.
• Take the medicine I take for my thyroid.
• Bathroom. Read book in bathroom.
• Kids wake up so I get them apple juice in their sippy cups and pour myself some Diet Coke.
• We snuggle and I read the kids a long picture book about manatees.
• While kids play, I did an episode of Classical Stretch, a 22 minute stretching program I record off PBS. I try to do Classical Stretch as often as possible but it is not a morning habit. I don’t have a set time to do it. I think it would be great if I could find a set time to stretch, but life with kids can be unpredictable, so some flexibility is great here as well.
• Make scrambled eggs and do Duolingo (I’m learning French!) while eggs cook.
• Eat and read Atomic Habits. (I like to read non-fiction with breakfast.)
• Babysitter arrives. I shower and get ready while Pippa gets dressed.
• I use my Morning Checklist to make sure we have done everything we need to do (brush teeth, hair, etc.) (I’d like to post more about this later because my checklists are AWESOME.)
• Hugs and kisses for Julian.
• Drive Pippa to camp.
• Drop Pippa at camp.
• Drive to neighborhood near my psychiatrist’s office.
• Park.
• Change into sneakers.
• Take 40 minute walk.
• Repark car.
• Change back into my Birkenstocks, grab backpack with laptop and journal, walk to nearby cafe.
• Order drink.
• Put on White Noise App on my iPhone.
• Headphones.
• Start journaling.
• Text my cousin, my dad, my brother.
• Pull out laptop.
• Write blog post in Word.
• Reread and revise Blog post.
• Check email.
• Bathroom break/play Fruit Ninja on phone/and a word game. Note to self: this is disgusting. Stop bringing phone into bathroom!
• Return to cafe table. Work on Fantasy Series.
• Finish Fantasy Series work.
• Walk to salad place.
• Order Happy Vegan plate.
• (I’m not a vegan!)
• Work on Fantasy Series while eating. Note: I don’t usually write while eating, but I was setting up an outline on index cards and was bursting with ideas.
• Bathroom break. I take lots of bathroom breaks.
• Ride elevator to psychiatrist’s office.
• Appointment with psychiatrist. We decide to continue my low dose of mirtazipane since I seem to need it to sleep. We schedule follow-up in three months.
• Walk down stairs to lobby.
• Walk to another coffee shop.
• Order iced decaf americano.
• Bathroom break, duh.
• Take coffee upstairs, sit down, activate white noise app.
• Resume work on fantasy novel.
• My god, this Habit Tracker is tedious.
• Get text. Check text. Check email. Facebook. Fuck. Turn off notifications and get back to Fantasy Series.
• Finish drafting two chapters (yes!) and quickly write a few ideas for next chapter.
• Close laptop and pack up.
• Turn iPhone devil notifications back on.
• Bathroom break, duh.
• Walk to car.
• Check Fitbit.
• Drive to get Pippa from camp.
• Listen to podcast in car.
• Park and do work in car while camp finishes.
• Pick up Pippa.
• Head off for mommy-daughter date. We got her ice cream at Rite-Aid (Diet Coke for me) and then went to Chuck E. Cheese.
• ATM.
• Go home. Pay babysitter. Hug Julian.
• Go on to late afternoon auto-pilot using my laminated checklist that is posted to the fridge: pack camp lunches, water plants, make ice, etc.
• Feed kids dinner.
• Prep steaks and carrots for my dinner with Nathan.
• When Nathan gets home, I take a 10 minute walk outside to make sure I’m over 10,000 steps for the day.
• Dinner.
• Dishes.
• This list is sooooo loooooong.
• Kids’ bedtime ritual which is filled with habits – teeth brushing, wrangling, snuggling, piggy back rides by Nathan, and so on.
• Watch Big Brother with Nathan while playing video games on phone.
• Eat popcorn during Big Brother.
• Wash up.
• Take Mirtazipane.
• Read novel in bed. (The Nightingale.)
• Sleep.

WHEW. I hope no one out there actually read that whole list. I don’t even want to reread this post. But the Habit Tracker was a good lesson in self-awareness and paying attention to the way I live my life.

On the writing front, I think I have some good habits that help me stay productive while being a stay-at-home mom. On the healthy and fit front, I have the beginning of some good habits. I’ve been walking a ton since the beginning of the year, and that is fantastic. But I’m going to have to pay attention and find new ways to build healthier habits.

My apologies if you read this whole post BUT if you want to change your habits, I do recommend the Habit Tracker. It help me pay attention and start seeing the places where I can add healthy habit. I’m trying it again today! But methinks I’ll blog about different things in the future…