As I mentioned in my last two posts, I have been slowly reading Atomic Habits by James Clear over the past week. I am about three quarters finished and already feel like it is helping me become a better person.

Some people smoke. Others drink too much. My problem is food. Since adolescence, I have struggled with eating well and maintaining a healthy weight. When I bought Atomic Habits, I was hoping it would help me lose weight.

Last year, I lost about 45 pounds. I started 2019 wanting to lose fifty-five more. (I told you that I struggle with my weight!) But instead of losing weight, I stalled and hit a plateau for the first three months of the year. Then Julian’s preschool broke (asbestos), our whole schedule was thrown into chaos, and oops, I spent the next 12 weeks gaining twelve pounds.

It’s time to get back on track.

But first, Atomic Habits has convinced me that it’s not enough to have a weight loss goal. James Clear writes:

Achieving a goal only changes your life for the moment. That’s the counterintuitive thing about improvement. We think we need to change our results, but the results are not the problem. What we really need to change are the systems that cause those results. When you solve problems at the results level, you only solve them temporarily. In order to improve for good, you need to solve problems at the systems level. Fix the inputs and the outputs will fix themselves. 

Atomic Habits, pg. 25.

Forehead smack! Talk about a revelation. I have been losing weight for over twenty years. I am actually very good at losing weight. But I have also been regaining the same weight, again and again and again, for over twenty years.

Every time I have lost weight, I had a goal. In high school, the goals were modest: lose ten pounds; lose fifteen pounds. In college, they were a bit more grandiose: lose forty pounds; lose forty-five pounds. Now, at the age of forty, after two pregnancies, and over six years as a stay-at-home mom, I am chipping away at a goal to lose one hundred pounds.

One. Hundred. Pounds.

Can I get an “Ugh”?

I am ready to break the cycle. I don’t want to finish losing one hundred pounds and then have the weight creep back. It’s not healthy. It’s not who I want to be. A weight loss goal is clearly not helping me become my best self.

I need to stop fixating on the weight loss goal and create a system that actually works. I have tried so many diets, from special shakes to low-carb regimens to Weightwatchers, and each diet helped me lose weight. But I’m not going to keep drinking shakes every day for the rest of my life and I’m certainly not going to keep attending Weightwatchers meetings. Been there, done that, doesn’t work for me. I need to find a way of eating and exercising that helps me be healthy for the rest of my life. I have to stop focusing on the goal of hitting a certain weight and trust that if I eat and exercise in a healthy and reasonable way, my body will become fit and healthy in the way that works for me.

Instead of worrying about my goal weight, I want to focus on my identity. As Clear says,

The ultimate form of intrinsic motivation is when a habit becomes part of your identity. It’s one thing to say I’m the type of person who wants this. It’s something very different to say I’m the type of person who is this.

Atomic Habits, pg. 33.

Yes! When I read this, I could not grab my highlighter fast enough. (I am highlighting the shit out of this book. And writing tons of thoughts in the margins. I am a firm believer in reading with highlighter and pen at the ready.)

Clear provides a two-step process to change one’s identity: (1) decide on the type of person that you want to be; and (2) prove that you are that type of person with small wins.

For the past week, I have been pondering the question of who I want to be. Here is what I have so far:

• I want to be healthy and fit.
• I want to be a writer.
• I want to be the best mother than I can be.

There are other aspects of my identity that I would like to cultivate. For example, I want to do more gardening and crafting. But as a stay-at-home mom, there is only so much I can do. Long term, I can indeed eventually be a person who sews her own wardrobe and makes handmade gifts for the holidays. But in this season of my life, I get to spend a lot of time with my children and deepen our bond as much as possible.

Over the past few years, I have done a lot of writing and mothering. I published my memoir! I write almost every day! I have started writing a fantasy series! Do I identify as a writer? Hell yes. Is there more I can do toward embracing my identity as a writer? Of course. I would like to blog regularly and eventually find some writer friends; but in the current season of my life, I feel secure in my identity as a writer.

I think I’m also a pretty damn good mother to my kids. Am I perfect? Hell no. Am I working toward being the best mom that I can be? Yes! I read lots of parenting books and often reflect on motherhood in my journal. I talk about motherhood with my mom friends and therapist. Would blogging about motherhood help me improve on this front? Yes. But again, in the current season of my life, I’m doing a good job of being a mother and working toward being the best mom possible. (Not perfect. Not someone else’s version of “best.” Just the best mom that I can be to my kids.)

Now, here’s the part of my identity that needs work: I want to be healthy and fit. For me, the word “healthy” encompasses mental, emotional, spiritual and physical well-being. I have been earning top marks in the mental and emotional health department ever since I had postpartum depression. My spiritual health has also been improving (though I would like to meditate more). But my physical health? That could use some tender loving care.

I want to be healthy and fit. From here on out, I am ditching the weight loss goals. They don’t work for me. Instead, I am embracing my new identity. I don’t just want to be healthy and fit. I am healthy and fit.

Next up: I need to prove to myself that I am a healthy and fit writer and mama bear by accumulating small wins on that front. Lucky for me, Atomic Habits has shown me dozens of ways to do just that.