I am currently reading Geneen Roth’s new book, This Messy Magnificent Life: A Field Guide to Mind, Body, and Soul.

I have already read two of Roth’s earlier books: Women, Food and God and When Food is Love. Both of those books were about the complicated issues that get wrapped up in food, eating, dieting, and weight. Roth’s ideas can be applied to other addictive and obsessive behaviors, but food is her focus.

Food is also my focus. I have been struggling with my weight for most of my life. In seventh grade, I remember comparing my legs to my friend Jenny’s and feeling bad on a soul-level because her legs were so much smaller than mine. And even earlier, in fourth grade, a classmate demanded during recess that all the girls reveal their weight; and everyone had a number below 100; so for the first time in my life, I lied about my weight.

I have used food to numb uncomfortable feelings like anxiety and loneliness.

I have used food to fill an emptiness that I thought was hunger but was actually the dissatisfaction I felt when I was not my authentic self.

I have used food to keep my hands busy during social situations.

I have used food in dozens of ways to avoid the work I am meant to do during my one precious life.

In her new book, Geneen Roth puts into words so many things that I have been trying to understand. She writes:

… the way we eat is always a primary gateway to the mind that creates the suffering about it.

This Messy Magnificent Life, pg. 4

Amen! I have been dieting, and then not dieting, and then thinking “I should be dieting,” and then dieting yet again, since I was fifteen. I had friends who were dieting much younger than that. My first proper diet was Weight Watchers. Since then, I have done Weight Watchers several times, both in person and online. I have also tried Jenny Craig, South Beach, paleo, counting calories, some variation on the Mediterranean diet, and the crazy program detailed in The 4-hour Body. I’m sure I’ll remember a few more diets later. I have met with two different nutritionists and read countless books and magazine articles about healthy eating and exercise.

I have lost weight.

I know how to lose weight.

But then I always gain the damn weight back, and with a vengeance. I gain weight because I eat too much, and I eat too much not because I don’t know how to eat, but because I have emotions and beliefs that compel me to eat.

Before I continue, full disclosure: I am currently using the Noom app. I have lost 13 pounds since late February. Noom is great. It dives into the psychology of eating. It also addresses the bad habits that get created around bad eating. I think I still have to work on my relationship with food, which means I have to work on my relationship with myself, but I also have to work on my actual eating habits. Noom is helping with the healthy eating habits. Geneen Roth is helping with the deeper dive into my mind.

Before I end this post, I’d like to share another quote:

The million-dollar answer to the question of why weight loss is so difficult to maintain, is that along with the exaltation of being thin come less positive feelings. The lightness that accompanies an unencumbered body feels vulnerable. And if we’ve used our weight in any way, even unconsciously, to keep us safe, the joy of weight loss can be overlaid by a wash of terror. In my experience, one of the unspoken reasons why many people don’t maintain their weight loss is that they don’t want to be thinner more than they want to stay protected. Or hidden.

This Messy Magnificent Life, pg. 28

I had to read that paragraph five times in a row before I could keep reading. I have not been at my “right for me” weight since my 20s. I am now 41. The summer of 2004, when I had just graduated from law school and was studying for the bar, I weighed 135 pounds. At the time, I felt fat! But looking back at old photos, I know that was a very healthy weight for me.

I remember feeling so vulnerable at that weight.

There are a lot of reasons I felt vulnerable at 135 pounds, but this jumps to mind: when I have weight to lose, I can blame all the difficulties of life on my weight; when I am at my goal weight, I have to address the actual reasons for any discomfort. And shit, that is terrifying.

But I have reached a point where addressing my deeper issues is less terrifying than not addressing them. Those deeper issues are keeping me from living my best damn life, and I don’t want to live my life running from whatever “my issues” are. Ever since I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, I have done a lot of work and slain a lot of personal monsters and here is the thing I keep learning, over and over.

The monsters? They might seem terrifying when they are lurking in my subconscious, but once I shine the light of my attention on them, they are never that scary.

I am excited to keep reading This Messy, Magnificent Life and shine some light on the monsters I have been avoiding with food.