A lot of people will think I’m crazy, but I had the chance to go to Taylor Swift’s concert in Los Angeles this past Saturday, AND I DECLINED THE FREE TICKET. Repeatedly. And with zero regrets.

To be clear: these were excellent seats with people I love (my nieces, sister, sister-in-law and mom). I just didn’t want to go.

Every time my mom offered me the extra ticket, my insides squirmed and said, No thanks, so I declined, nicely but firmly. I like Taylor Swift, but I don’t LOVE her and I just don’t relate to all the social media posts of ecstatic sobbing fans. The thought of going to a crowded venue with annoying parking to attend a concert that lasted waaaaay past my bedtime was just not appealing. I’m sure it was epic, inspiring and an amazing experience.

It just wasn’t an amazing experience that I wanted.

Saturday night, as Swifties descended upon the So-Fi stadium, I was so happy to be at home, in my pajamas, doodling and watching the season finale of Too Hot to Handle with Nathan. (Side note: if you are in the market for a truly trashy reality dating show, then we both recommend the Too Hot to Handle franchise. It makes every episode of every Bachelor show seem classy by comparison.) I was exactly where I wanted to be, embracing the principles of JOMO.

JOMO is the antidote to FOMO. While FOMO is the anxiety that something better is happening elsewhere, JOMO is The Joy Of Missing Out. JOMO is the acceptance that we can’t do all the things all the time, and that we do not need to live a life that looks good on social media. Instead, we consciously choose to miss things so that we can experience the calming joy of embracing our essentials.

For me, JOMO meant declining the free ticket to see Taylor and having ZERO regrets about it. The photos and videos on social media look AMAZING — and that’s enough of the experience for me. Big stadium concerts have never been my jam, anyway. I’m more of a Broadway musical/classical concert kind of girl, and my kids are obsessed with Imagine Dragons.

If my kids liked Taylor as much as my nieces, I would have braved the crowds and logistics to bring them to So-Fi stadium. But since their musical passions lie in other directions, I’m happy to choose JOMO and save my energy for the next time Imagine Dragons come to town.

I took my first tennis lesson in this second grade and loved the game, but I stopped playing in high school. Then I took classes and played in college, but again, I stopped playing during law school. As a young lawyer, I joined the YMCA and started playing for the third time in my life, but that phase only lasted about six months before I stopped.

Here’s the reason I haven’t play tennis consistently: I love the sport, but tennis requires another player. I don’t mind losing! Not at all. But damn, I hated scheduling games with people.

I realize that tennis fanatics work around this. They join a league. There’s tons of resources online to find players of similar skill level. But I was a socially anxious tennis enthusiast.

My parents got me my own phone line when I was in the seventh grade, and I remember thinking, Damn, now I have to make phone calls or they’ll be disappointed. I despised dialing a phone number, always convinced that social rejection was waiting for me on the other end of the line. It used to take all my social energy to ask a friend if they wanted to hang out. I didn’t have any leftover energy for scheduling tennis games.

But I have changed since I stopped playing tennis twenty years ago. Since my last proper match, I’ve had children, conquered postpartum depression, and worked with a cognitive behavioral therapist to be a happier, calmer person. I still prefer email and texting, but I can make a phone call without exhausting a week’s worth of social energy. More importantly, I ask friends to meet up for coffee, a walk, lunch, dinner, etc. ALL THE TIME.

I recently read Apples Never Fall, a novel about a tennis-obsessed family, and I kept thinking, Oh, I miss tennis.I finished the novel, but the longing to play tennis kept popping up, day after day. Today, the tennis center where Pippa took lessons during Covid announced that fall registrations are open. That old social anxiety about finding tennis friends popped up, but ugh, I’m 44 years old and too old for this shit. I just want to have fun and play tennis.

So that’s what I’m going to do! I signed up for a beginner’s class that starts in a couple of weeks and I can’t wait to bring my serve back from the dead.

Summer vacation is too short. Ugh, I wish my kids got twelve weeks like I did and didn’t go back to school until Labor Day. Ten weeks is just too short for a proper summer vacation. And returning in mid-August seems downright cruel.

At least we have one final week of freedom! Next week, I’m packing in mega fun. On Monday, I’m planning to take the kids to Raging Waters, and on Wednesday, we’re heading back to Universal Studios for the first time since June. Then on Friday we are going to the beach with cousins.

Tuesday and Thursday will be more low-key days, but the kids are super excited to go back-to-school shopping. That means pencils and shit at Target, soccer cleats at the sporting goods store, and sneakers at the mall. All prayers are welcome – I loathe shoe shopping with my kids.

I’m sure we’ll also cavort in our pool. And of course, even once they return to school, we can swim on weekends and late weekday afternoons. Soccer does not start for several weeks, so we still have some freedom.

But as much as I lament the end of summer vacation, we’ve had a bitching nine weeks. Nebraska! Vegas! Beach days! Cousins! We’ve gone to the movies, swam in our pool, visited with the grandparents (both sets), and reveled in slower mornings and homework-free evenings.

And the next season will be good in its own way.

I’m in the waiting room of a tire shop, because one of my tires had a nail and was leaking air. I have my laptop, but these are not ideal circumstances for revising a novel.

Instead, I’m going through the backlog of ideas, reminders, and random thoughts on my Notes App. I had over 450 notes! Most of the notes are easy deletes (do I need an old grocery shopping list?), but a Note from July 30, 2020 struck me as helpful enough to warrant a blog post. These are the things that helped me stay calm during the dark days of Summer 2020. Worth remembering for future use!

I could have actually used these reminders earlier this year, when my dad was in the ICU after brain surgery and everything about his health seemed impossibly uncertain. But hey, better late than never. I’m burnt out and could use some calm as the new school year revs up.

Courtney’s July 2020 List Of Ideas For Staying Calm

• The Calm power: I still take a half teaspoon of this mixed with a few tablespoons of hot water every night before bed.
• The Calm app: I stopped using this but I should strongly consider renewing my subscription when life gets stressful.
• Tibetan singing bowls: oh, yes. Now I want to go home and use mine.
• Deep breaths
• Hand lotion with a nice scent
• Lavender
• ASMR
• Knitting
• Staying off caffeine: Truth. And my caffeine intake has been off the charts lately. I am making a point to not drink any caffeine after 2 p.m. Perhaps I can lower that time, by fifteen minute increments.
• Limiting refined sugar: I’ve been off refined sugar the past couple of weeks and definitely notice a difference.
• Tea, especially the ritual of making a cup.
• Stretching
• Color and doodle: I doodled last night and it was enormously calming.
• Disconnect from social media: Can I get an Amen?
• Snuggle
• Watch fish
• Garden
• Nature and fresh air
• Watch the clouds
• Shower
• Walk
• Exercise
• Journal
• Squeeze ball
• Watch those toys with the colored oil
• Read
• Paint
• Blow bubbles
• Do a puzzle
• Affirmations
• Collage
• Move in fun ways: When my dad was in the ICU, I’d do little dances and karate chops in the bathroom, and this actually helped enormously.

I’m glad I reminded myself of these strategies, but shit, now I need to break up with caffeine. It’s like July 2020 Courtney is shouting at 2023 Courtney, CAFFEINE MAKES YOU BAT SHIT CRAZY! And as a forty-four year old woman with tender hormones, do I really need to imbibe a substance that increases my stress?

I think not.

The Pasadena school year begins in less than two weeks, and in years past, my default setting was to VOLUNTEER FOR ALL THE THINGS at the beginning of the year. But I am now deeply burnt out and adopting my Aunt Claire’s approach to school volunteering.

My Aunt Claire is a busy woman who loves to do things. She has four children, and I went to school with some of them. Aunt Claire was involved. She ran carnivals, room parented, and attended field trips. I assumed she did this every year, relentlessly sacrificing her time in the name of her children’s education.

Wrong!

Aunt Claire volunteered at school every other year. One year, she would run the school carnival. The next, she would not volunteer for anything big. Then she would jump back into the volunteering fold and be a room parent for a year. The next year, she was back on sabbatical. When I learned this, I was amazed for two reasons: (1) she had the audacity to take a year off from volunteering every other year! and (2) being a room mom counted as a major volunteering effort.

I was shocked. I was stunned. I’ve been a room parent for the past five years, and for two of those years, I was a room parent for both kids’ classes. On top of that, I was on the PTA board two years; ran the elementary school book fair once; ran the preschool book fair at least five times; chaperoned field trips; organized art projects; was a referee for AYSO; coached both kids’ soccer teams; was the cookie chair for Pippa’s Girl Scout troop (twice); and last year, promoted myself to troop leader. HOLY SHIT I’M EXHAUSTED JUST WRITING ALL THAT.

I ignored my Aunt Claire’s example for a long time. Until I realized I was overwhelmed, bitter, and burnt out and in dire need of a break. Then I considered her approach and realized, My Aunt Claire is one smart cookie.

I’m embracing my inner Aunt Claire this year and scaling back my volunteer roles. That means no official roles for the PTA. No room parenting. No AYSO commitments. And no book fair!

I will continue my role as Girl Scout leader because if I don’t, the troop dies, and I actually enjoy that work. Also, we have a very low-key troop, so it’s not like I’m organizing constant events and outings and fundraising to take the girls to Europe. We meet monthly and do some crafty shit. Sometimes we attend events organized by our service unit, sometimes not. We didn’t sell cookies last season and it was liberating. The girls are entering 5th grade and then it’s off to middle school, so I suspect this will be the troop’s last year. I’m looking forward to enjoying this one volunteering role.

I will also consider chaperoning a couple of field trips. But I’m not attending any plays! I’ve done that twice and I’m sick of shushing children while watching a mediocre performance.

I miiiiiight even organize a class party if the room parent is not keen on the job, BUT I WILL NOT BE A ROOM MOM.

I might help a bit with fundraising for 5th grade promotion, but I WILL NOT BECOME AN INDENTURED SERVANT HUSTLING TO MAKE MONEY SO THE KIDS CAN GO TO MEDIEVAL SHITTY TIMES.

My intention for the 2023-24 school year is to do less volunteering, especially volunteering that requires “organizing and galvanizing,” and to use my extra time to heal from the stress of doing too much for too long. It’s time to release my inner Aunt Claire and chill the eff out.

My July reading started strong with A Court of Wings and Ruin, the third and final installment of the Thorns and Roses fantasy series. I devoured most of this tome while on vacation in Nebraska. If you like to read about hot fairies going on satisfying, world-saving adventures, then I highly recommend the entire series.

I still read aloud to my ten-year-old Pippa, and I intend to keep reading to her for as long as she allows it. We are currently working our way through the Hunger Games series and finished Mockingjay, the third book in the original trilogy, when we got home from our Nebraska trip. So far, Pippa has loved the series and would let me read to her all night if my voice could handle it, She loved the ending of Mockingjay so much, she reread the final chapter the next night. We are currently deep into the prequel.

I listened to the audiobook for Dial A for Aunties by Jesse Q. Sutanto. Earlier in 2023, I listened to the audiobook for Sutanto’s more recent novel, Vera Wong’s Unsolicited Advice for Murderers, which was utterly delightful. Dial A for Aunties was good, but I didn’t love it as much as Vera Wong. Still, I’d recommend it if you enjoy madcap antics involving a corpse at a wedding on an island.

Then I listened to the audiobook for It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover, and I’m mad at that book because it bills itself as a love triangle but is actually a disturbing story about domestic violence. This book gave me a lot to think about regarding domestic violence, but the book blurb duped me. I don’t expect a trigger warning for every difficult issue tackled by a novel, but 2023 has been kicking my ass and I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth for this book. Still, I finished it, so there’s that.

But seriously, look at the cover for the audiobook! It looks like a cute romantic story! Now that I’ve read the book, I see that the flowers are shattered BUT IT’S A MISLEADING PINK COVER THAT SCREAMS CUTE.

Then I read Network Effect, the fifth book in the Murderbot Diaries, and I can’t say enough good things about that series. It’s about a sarcastic robot who has some cloned human anatomy and there’s tons of satisfying adventure in a well thought out world. I hope this series is turned into a tv show, and I hope Martha Wells keeps writing the Murderbot Diaries until her dying breath, because I can’t get enough. I have the sixth book on deck and am saving it for when I really need something good.

My friend Sarah picked My Friend Anna: The True Story of a Fake Heiress for our book club’s July meeting, and this book prompted a fantastic discussion. I highly recommend this memoir for book clubs. It’s like Sex and the City, except Carrie is friends with a con artist, and the audiobook is read by the author.

Finally, because I needed some brain candy, I read Assailants, Asphalt & Alibis, the eighth installment in the Camper and Criminals murder mystery series by Tonya Kappas. I happened upon this cozy mystery series last December when I listened to the audiobook for one of the Christmas installments. Since then, I’ve gone back and devoured the first eight audiobooks and I already have the ninth teed up for August. The main character, Mae West, owns an RV camp in a small town in Kentucky that she inherited from her late husband, and I’m here for all of Mae’s wry observations. So far, there are thirty-two books in this series, so I won’t be running out of cozy mysteries any time soon.

At the beginning of the year, I picked 23 projects that I wanted to tackle in 2023. It’s been awhile since I checked in, so let’s see my progress!

1. Attend fifty hot yoga classes: As of today, I’ve attended 35 classes – woot woot! I thought about trying to attend 100 classes in 2023, but after all the drama with my dad’s multiple brain surgeries, I’m so glad I aimed for 50.
2. Track what I eat for 30 days in a row: I completed this in January.
3. Drink at least 64 oz of water/day for 30 days in a row: Ditto.
4. Publish my second novel: I’m currently writing some new scenes after receiving feedback from my editor, and I think (fingers crossed!) that the novel will be ready to publish by year’s end.
5. Read 100 books for myself: I’ve finished 64 of 100 books and according to Goodreads, I’m 7 books ahead of schedule.
6. Try 23 new recipes: I’ve tried six new recipes and lost all momentum here because I abhor cooking in the summer. I foresee lots of fall cooking!
7. Cook with mushrooms 23 times: I’ve cooked mushrooms four times! Always delicious!
8. Bake 23 loaves of bread: Not a loaf yet. And not happening with the current humidity and heat.
9. Make 23 different buttons with my button maker: Falling short here (I’ve made one button, ahem(), but I’m probably using my button maker to help with fundraising at our school’s welcome back fair. So stay tuned…
10. Finish 23 craft projects (not including buttons): Four down. Hopefully I can do some smaller projects with the kids soon.
11. Watch 12 different Creativebug classes: I’ve only watched one, but I’m planning to distance myself from volunteering during the 2023-24 school year so I can have more time for myself. And I definitely want more crafting as part of my self-care.
12. Draw 12 times: I’ve drawn four times. I’ve got such a mental block against this.
13. Play 23 different board/card games: Up to twelve different games. Need to pick up the pace with this.
14. Watch 23 movies with my kids: I’m at eight! We saw Elemental in the theater over the weekend and I enjoyed it a lot.
15. Write 23 blog posts: This will be my fifteenth post of the year.
16. Visit 23 new places: I completed this goal several months ago, and visited my 29th new place – a movie theater in downtown L.A. – over the weekend.
17. Go on 12 hikes: I’ve done the same hike, Eaton Canyon, twice now. Once with Pippa, and once with Pippa, Nathan and Julian. Both times were so good for my soul.
18. Do 23 things I have never done before: I’m at 14 new things.
19. Finish decluttering the house! I’ve made a ton of progress. I really need to tackle the basement and garage.
20. Indulge my inner child 23 times: I’ve indulged my inner child at least 16 times. Yesterday, we went to the beach and I built a sand castle with Julian and then went boogie boarding.
21. Publish 12 podcast episodes: This remains at zero. I feel the urge to record a podcast episode slowing increasing, but that urge is not yet loud enough for me to take action. Or maybe it’s that I feel compelled to do other things first. A woman only has so many hours in a day, and this woman is revising a novel, raising two kids, keeping house, going to hot yoga, and doing lots of other shit — plus, she needs time to relax and chill the eff out. So, if podcasting doesn’t happen, that’s fine! But then again, maybe I’ll finish novel revisions and use podcasting as a creative outlet. Who knows?!
22. Attend 12 live performances: I’ve been to six live performances this year, and they have been so nourishing for my soul. We have tickets to see Peter Pan Goes Wrong in a few weeks, and I’m considering a few other shows. In December, the kids and I will see the Nutcracker or A Christmas Carol – or possibly both!
23. Spend 20 hours gardening: Nature and fresh air are so good for my mental and spiritual health. I’ve done a ton of gardening this year, but have not always remembered to log it. I’d say I’ve easily done 15 hours of gardening this year (probably more).

Confession: Even though I’m still working on most of these items, I’m already thinking about my 24 in ’24. I love this shit.

I’ve been writing about my burnout this week, but is that even the right phrase for how I’m feeling? Since January 2023, I have felt drained and depleted and assumed I was burnt out from doing too much volunteering for PTA and AYSO. Intuitively, I believe “burnout” is the right word for my current state of wellness, but let’s take a closer look at what burnout actually means.

Dictionary.com defines “burnout” as:

noun

1. a fire that is totally destructive of something.
2. Also burn-out . fatigue, frustration, or apathy resulting from prolonged stress, overwork, or intense activity.

The first definition is a very poetic way of how I feel after all my dad’s health issues, and the second definition nicely sums how I’ve been feeling this year. I am worn out and fatigued. Physically, I have plenty of energy – though honestly, I’ve been running on fumes for so long, maybe I do have less energy than I should. Mentally, I feel slow, like I’ve lost 20 or 30 IQ points. And I know these feelings resulted from the prolonged stress of my dad’s cancer, my dad’s brain surgeries, and the overwork I subjected myself to in the AYSO and PTA departments.

According to the World Health Organization, there is also a medical diagnosis for burnout:

Here’s the definition of burnout in the ICD-11:

Burnout is a syndrome conceptualized as resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. It is characterised by three dimensions: 1) feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion; 2) increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job; and 3) a sense of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment. Burn-out refers specifically to phenomena in the occupational context and should not be applied to describe experiences in other areas of life.

After reading the WHO definition of burnout, which is limited to the workplace, I have fallen down a rabbit hole regarding parental burnout. Many browser tabs are now open on my trust MacBook Air! My curiosity is intrigued and the cogs in my head are turning…

What does it mean to be burnt out as a mom?

It turns out that I can’t answer that question in a single blog post, but I would like to do some investigating and dig deeper into this subject.

But I’ll say this: I don’t need a medical diagnosis for the way I currently feel. For me, it’s academically interesting to grapple with these questions, but practically speaking, I know I did too much and now I need to rest and take time for myself. And by “time for myself” I do not mean “a 90 minute massage.” I mean “I need to avoid volunteering for anything extra during the 2023-24 school year in order to heal from my burnout.”

I’ve been writing this week about my burnout, examining what went wrong during the 2022-23 school year. I created a timeline of the events that led to my burnout, and yesterday, I looked at how those events eliminated my buffer and put me at risk for a nervous breakdown. Today, I’d like to examine another reason the 2022-23 school year reduced me to a burnt out husk: I volunteered in ways that were not authentic to my true self.

I volunteered to be an AYSO soccer coach for both my kids’ teams and the experience taught me an important lesson: I AM NOT A SPORTS COACH. Do I enjoy watching my kids play sports? Yes. Do I enjoy shooting hoops with them in the driveway or passing the soccer ball on our front lawn? Absolutely. Do I want to organize drills and study the strengths of each player and come up with a strategy to dominate and win? No, not even a little. That shit just doesn’t interest me. (But someday writing a novel about being a soccer mom? Absolutely!)

Because I’m not a soccer coach by nature, practices and games depleted me. I love thinking about my energy as water in a bucket. Some activities, like writing and crafting, add water to my supply. Other activities, like cajoling a group of six-year-old boys to dribble a soccer ball around cones, deplete it. Coaching two soccer teams was the equivalent of throwing my bucket off a cliff.

Honestly, as I look back on the 2022-23 school year, being an AYSO soccer coach was enough to burn me out. But I went the extra mile and also volunteered to be our PTA’s VP of Volunteers. This meant recruiting and organizing volunteers for every PTA event. I had to send email after email, check schedules, nag, harass, beg AND I HATED IT. Within one week of the school year, I hated myself for taking on what was basically a thankless HR job, except I didn’t have employees because almost no one wanted to volunteer.

But here’s the thing: someone out there is reading my description of the PTA VP of Volunteers job and thinking, That sounds awesome. In fact, lots of people were born for HR roles. They love to organize folks and events. This sort of work fills up their bucket to the brim with cold, fresh water.

The same goes for being an AYSO soccer coach. Tons of people love it! I’m just not those people.

And that’s okay! The world needs different people with different talents and passions. If we were all meant to be AYSO soccer coaches, who would cheer from the sidelines? If we were all meant to be PTA VPs, then we would need to arranged cage matches to pick the best candidate.

I felt obligated to take on these roles because as a mom, I’ve been hammered with the importance of volunteering. AYSO and PTA are very vocal about this, and as a recovering people pleaser, I heeded their call and signed up to volunteer and in so doing, I committed to huge responsibilities that did not feel authentic to my true self.

Writer and podcaster Gretchen Rubin talks about this often. She seeks to Be Gretchen. (There’s like a 50% possibility I misquoted her, but I couldn’t find the quote, and that’s the spirit of her words!) I need to Be Courtney, and Courtney is not a soccer coach or a PTA VP.

In the future, before I volunteer for anything, I will ask myself, Does this help me be the most authentic version of Courtney that I can be? If the answer is no, then I should decline the opportunity. Life’s too short to fill my days with volunteering obligations that crush my true self.