At some point between the day I was born and twentieth birthday, I lost my mind-body connection. It probably happened during my teenage years when diet culture taught me to loathe my body. And if I’m being honest, it might have happened even earlier, during puberty. Diet culture is insidious and I remember hating my body as early as fourth grade.

Diet culture taught me to despise my body because I’m not stick thin. I thought in order to be beautiful, I needed to be skeletal and resemble the skinny women I saw portrayed by Western media.

Diet culture also taught me that I don’t know how to take care of my body. I can’t be trusted to feed myself and listen to what my body needs. I need a diet to tell me exactly what to eat and how much.

I could write a book about this.

Maybe someday I will.

For purposes of this post, suffice to say that long ago, the connection between my body and mind was severed, but I’m slowly rebuilding and strengthening that connection in the hot yoga studio.

This is how it started: by entering the hot yoga studio and just trying to get through class, without dying. I usually had to leave the studio once to cool off. I often had to lie down and skip poses, just breathing through vertigo and the intense heat. Yet I felt compelled to go to hot yoga and kept showing up, because I knew something good was happening. I couldn’t articulate it then – I’m struggling to articulate it now! – but hot yoga got me out of my head and paying attention to my body. Those first few weeks, I had to pay attention to my body and determine whether I needed to pause, skip a pose, lie down, drink some water, and breathe. My body’s needs were so intense, I couldn’t ignore them.

This is how it continued: after a few months, I no longer felt like I was going to die simply by entering the studio. I looked forward to the heat and humidity. When that happened, I was able to focus on the technique of the poses. Really listen to my teachers. Pay attention to what my body was doing. Discovered little ways to subtly move my hips or shoulders to get deeper into a posture, and as I made these discoveries, I learn things about my body. I noticed my hips. My spine. My ligaments and muscles and bones and fascia. I connected with my body.

And this is how it is going: the body-mind connection is extending beyond the yoga studio, for longer and longer periods. I have been studying the enneagram, on and off, for several years, and a few months ago, I realized that I’m a Type 5, aka the Investigator. Type 5s are curious and insightful, but they can get lost in their own heads. It took me so long to figure out my enneagram type, but once I did, so much made sense – including why I feel compelled to take hot yoga classes. Because after spending most of my life in the castle I built in my mind, hot yoga is pulling me back into my body, and the world, class by class, posture by posture.

I love my body, and I’m excited to continue rebuilding my mind-body connection in the hot yoga studio.