Have you ever looked around a waiting room to make sure no one was watching as you took a magazine quiz about your sexual prowess? Do you ever take the results of a personality quiz just a little too seriously? Have you ever kept changing your answers to an online quiz so you would not be placed in House Slytherin? If so, then this is the quiz for you! If not, who are you and why are you reading this blog post?

(1) It’s 2 a.m. and you just remembered that you forgot to help your third grader study for their spelling test…

a. Who needs spelling? Isn’t that why we have autocorrect?

b. Didn’t everyone else have their kids memorize the dictionary for some light intellectual stimulation during summer vacation?

c. Everybody up! Nobody sleeps until Junior has mastered the spelling list!

d. I will torch the city if my child’s teacher dares give him anything less than a 100% on a spelling quiz.

(2) It’s Back to School Night! On Zoom!

a. What’s Back to School Night?

b. I prepared a slideshow for the teacher’s presentation and a packet with helpful information and tips for the parents. I photocopied the packets at my own expense (it was just 87 pages per parent) and then hand delivered the packets to everyone’s home so we can all be on the same page.

c. What if the teacher hates me?! What if I ruin my kid’s life???

d. I polish my shotgun in plain view of my computer’s camera.

(3) The learning device issued by your child’s school malfunctions:

a. Far out. Beach day!

b. I own several backup devices for this sort of eventuality and seamlessly swap in a new device so that my child does not miss a nanosecond of distance learning.

c. Why me?! Why now?! Reboot! Reboot! It’s not rebooting! My child is never getting into Harvard now! I have ruined her life! Oh why won’t you reboot? For the love of all things holy, just reboot!!!

d. I shoot the device with my shotgun and then have my people deliver a message to the Superintendent.

(4) Your child is frustrated because it is hard to focus when the internet connection keeps kicking her out of Google Meets. You tell your child:

a. Let’s take the next month off of school. We can work on your bartending skills. Your martini is an embarrassment to the entire family.

b. My child is never frustrated because I have a PhD in developmental psychology.

c. I can’t! I can’t! I cannot process any more feelings! Too many feelings!

d. I send my minions to the internet provider and they sort things out.

(5) One of the kids in your child’s class constantly interrupts the teacher, harasses the other students, and hacks into Google Meets and screens some troubling clips from The Shining. You think:

a. I really like martinis.

b. I will organize a petition, galvanize the PTA, and snuff out this nonsense. I will also send some brochures for military school to the brat’s parents.

c. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I have to call my therapist. Where’s my emergency chocolate?

d. That’s my kid! I could not be prouder.

(6) The Superintendent sends an email announcing that in-person instruction will not begin for at least another three months. You:

a. Rejoice! Three more months of reenacting episodes of The Floor Is Lava with my kids!

b. Experience a flutter of disappointment, quickly snuff it out, and plan the next six months of supplementary curriculum so my child is ready to skip at least one grade (two would be better) by the time this is over.

c. Curl up in the fetal position beneath the kitchen table and refuse to come out for the next 36 hours.

d. Look up the Superintendent’s home address.

(7) Mid-semester, your child’s school announces they are rolling out an exciting new learning platform:

a. Wait! Let me turn my body into a human bridge so you can crawl across me from the couch to the coffee table. Focus! The floor! Is! Lava!

b. I used my experience as a computer programmer to design the new learning platform. I will donate the royalties to charity.

c. What? Can they do that? I just figured out the old platform! My brain cannot handle a new one!

d. Someone is going to die.

(8) Your child’s report card indicates that she is struggling with math.

a. But just how important is subtraction?

b. That’s not possible. The principal better fix this immediately. Nothing will tarnish my child’s future!

c. I knew it. It’s my fault. She got the “bad at math” genes from me.

d. I am going to teach that so-called teacher a lesson about what it means to struggle.

(9) Your child’s school is distributing art supplies:

a. Far out! Let’s go get the art supplies! Has anyone seen my car keys? No? Nevermind. At least we tried.

b. I spearheaded the acquisition of art supplies and suggested a few projects based on my college internship at The Louvre.

c. We’re late! Our pickup slot was from 11:00-11:20 and it’s 11:21 and I can see the principal glaring at me.

d. We already got art supplies last month after a box fell off the back of a truck, if you know what I mean.

(10) Distance learning is finally over:

a. We might as well miss the rest of this school year and start fresh in November. What? School starts in August?

b. Now I can reclaim my destiny as PTA President and whip this school back into shape.

c. I swear, these are happy tears.

d. Retribution will be swift.

And the Results…

Mostly As, Jeff Spicoli. Your equanimity is impressive but also a bit alarming. It might be time to accept your parents’ offer to raise your kids.

Mostly Bs, Monica Geller. Calm down. You are making us all look bad. We do not need croquembouche at the bake sale.

Mostly Cs, Courtney Henning Novak. Calm down. Everyone is struggling. We all hate this.

Mostly Ds, Tony Soprano/Sauron. You are absolutely terrifying. Please don’t kill me.

If this quiz made you laugh, then you will want to check out my book, The Distance Learning Activity Book For Parents Just Barely Holding On To Their Last Shred of Sanity. It includes this quiz, plus lots of other snarky activities, like Distance Learning Merit Badges, Bingo, mascots, and more.

If you did not like this post, I’ve got nothing for you.