Ep. 18 Putting the SELF in Self-Help

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I love self-help books. To me, a self-help book is any book that helps me on my journey to being my best self, including psychology, physical health, and spirituality.

These are the self-help books I’ve read so far in 2020:

But I have not always been such a lover of self-help books! I used to feel drawn to the self-help books at the bookstore (remember those?) but I would not let myself buy or even look at those books. Just being near those books made me feel ashamed, like I should not be so weak as to need advice about how to live my life.

The Kindle helped me get past that shame because it enabled me to read all the self-help books I wanted without fear of “getting caught.” At the same time, the Kindle reinforced my belief that I should be secretive about any self-help books I read, and secrecy just intensifies shame.

At some point, I got over the shame. I’m not exactly sure when. But for years now, I’ll happily read any and all self-help books wherever I please. I read the actual boo and make no effort to conceal the cover or title.

I read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus when I was dating Nathan. (On the Kindle. Back then, I was still very secretive about self-help!) I had lunch with Nathan when I was in the middle of the book. During lunch, Nathan’s eyes seemed to be looking at anything but me. I fretted this meant our relationship was doomed. That night, as I was reading Men Are From Mars, I came to a passage about men and eye contact. Apparently men in intimate relationships do not make as much eye contact as women. As a matter of fact, men will make eye contact a lot in the early stage of dating because it feels like they are on a job interview but as they relax into the relationship, they make less eye contact. Reduced eye contact is acutaly a good sign! This was a huge and helpful revelation.

But toward the end of Men Are From Mars, the author John Gray recommended writing letters to significant others about any disagreements or issues. This advice did not sit well with me. My gut said, Hell no! But there had been so much other helpful advice in the book. I felt like I had to follow ALL of the advice or none at all.

That’s when I realized: it’s advice, not a freaking mandate. I can follow the advice that works for me and discard the rest.

I have followed that philosophy ever since.

When I am reading a self-help book, I write notes in the margins and highlight passages that resonate with me. I am not just a passive audience to the book. I am an active participant, making my own connections as I read.

Twice, I have thrown out a self-help book. One was about parenting, the other an extreme diet. Both felt toxic to me. So toxic, I did not want to pass them to a friend or Goodwill. I am a bookworm and published author. I adore books! But these two books needed to go into the trash.

But until recently, there was one self-help book that intimidated me.

The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.

I read that book when it first came out in 2014 and found it to be really inspiring. Yes! I wanted to tidy up! But the methods were so … extreme. Kondo advocated doing everything at once. You can’t just dip into your closet and purge a few things at a time. You have to find every article of clothing in the house, put it in one location, and tackle it all at once.

This approach was overwhelming to me. Under my philosophy of only following the advice that works for me, I should have seen that I was inspired to declutter but needed to do it my way. But for reasons I still don’t understand, I did not apply my self-help philosophy to Marie Kondo’s method. Not when I first read The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up in 2014. And not when I read Spark Joy: An Illustrated Master Class On the Art of Organizing and Tidying Up in December 2019. I treated Kondo like an infallible guru. I had to follow her advice if I wanted to declutter, end of discussion.

I was paralyzed. The past few years, the clutter has been mounting. But I kept procrastinating because I did not have the time or energy or inclination to tidy in the way Kondo advocated. And I had a mental block or a blindspot. With all the other self-help books I have read since 2014, I have remembered to pick and choose what works for me. But with this one damn book, I felt like a prisoner to all the advice, even though it clearly did not work for me.

Recently, the clutter was just too much. Or maybe it’s just that I have been spending more time than ever at home (hello, 2020!) so I have grown less tolerant of the clutter. Either way, I cracked and started decluttering.

I spent an afternoon sorting out the garage with the kids. We got rid of a bunch of old strollers.

Then it was Thanksgiving so I took a break from decluttering.

But since Thanksgiving, I have been attacking our messes, one by one. The kids are enjoying it as well. They both picked out a ton of toys to send to our curb. And the old toys are all gone! Even the Happy Meal knick knacks!

I am reclaiming my right to declutter in the way that works for me. Marie Kondo might have a fun Netflix show, but that does not mean I need to find all the clothes in the house and tackle them all at once. I have to do what works for me.

I have to put the SELF in self-help.