This week, on my podcast Adventures With My Forties, I talk about boundaries. Spoiler alert: I am not an expert in having boundaries! Instead, I am an expert in not having healthy boundaries.

I woke up Monday morning and made a decision: I am not going to be the cookie chair this year for Pippa’s Brownie troop. I was the cookie chair last year when she was still a Daisy. It was actually fun. I enjoyed it. I assumed I would be the cookie chair again this year. But it’s 2020. HOLY SHIT.

Monday morning, I texted my decision to our troop leaders. I originally thought I would have to spend at least a week thinking about (translation: agonizing over) this decision. But then, I realized I was just procrastinating telling them because I was worried they would be mad with me, but I can’t be the cookie  chair when it’s going to compromise my mental health during a bat shit crazy year.

As I decided to send the text, I realized I was setting a very healthy boundary. And I also realized that it’s time to talk about boundaries on the show.

I am NOT a boundaries expert.

But I have a lot of experience with NOT having healthy boundaries and with trying to establish better boundaries and not really knowing what the hell I was doing. You could say I am an expert at bumbling my way toward better boundaries.

When it comes to boundaries, I am a work in progress.

I have to be honest. I don’t fully understand my history with boundaries. It’s something I have to think about because I have not thought a lot about boundaries. Does this make any sense? No one ever talked to me about having boundaries. At least, not until I was working with my fourth therapist! Or, maybe people did talk about boundaries but I wasn’t receptive to the information? Maybe I was not at a point in my journey where I was ready to absorb the information?

I am finally ready to get me some healthy AF boundaries.

I think I bounced between two extremes for many years.

On the one hand, I had a fortress built around my heart. I was not comfortable with emotions. I did not want to feel my negative emotions, and I certainly did not want to share those emotions with other people. So as far as emotions were concerned, I had The Wall from Game of Thrones around my heart.

On the other hand, I did not have boundaries. Or, when I forced myself to set a boundary, I felt shit lousy. I did not have a strong sense of self-worth, so whenever I established a boundary, I felt like a bad person. I worried that I was making the other person angry. That I was going to lose the friendship if I said No or cancelled plans or did not make myself fully available to the other person’s needs. The boundaries I managed to establish caused a lot of inner turmoil and anguish.

It shouldn’t be that way. I should not feel tormented every time I allow myself to have a boundary.

When I think about boundaries, I start to think about being a woman in a patriarchy. For thousands of years, it has served men to use women who do not have healthy boundaries. The patriarchy does not encourage boundaries for women! Women are expected to say yes, yes, yes, and give, give, give, give, and serve, serve, serve without asking for anything in return.

I used to feel guilty about having boundaries. Now I am learning to love my boundaries.

Boundaries let me be my true radiant self.

Boundaries allow me to say No and not feel guilty and miserable.

I am allowed to say NO without justifying myself.

I am allowed to say NO without apologizing. (When I apologize unnecessarily, I reinforce the belief that I do not deserve boundaries.)

I’m also allowed to change my mind. Like I just did with being the cookie chair for my daughter’s troop. I was totally going to do it again, but I just can’t anymore. Not after the 2020 I’ve had. So I changed my mind, and I’m not apologizing for it AND I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MY BOUNDARY.

When I feel guilty about enforcing a boundary, that does not mean I need to retreat from the boundary. Instead, I need to examine what internal subconscious beliefs are sending up the guilt. Most of the time, I discover some shitty old belief about my self-worth, or lack thereof.

I am getting better at setting healthy boundaries. Journaling and therapy have helped enormously on this front. So has paying attention and being curious. Again and again, I see in my life that half the battle is noticing a problem. Once I notice that I am not happy with my boundaries, I am already halfway toward having better ones.

I am bumbling my way toward better boundaries, but I know I will get there eventually.