I want the record to reflect: this is tough.

I am deploying all of my self-care tools to thrive while sheltering-at-home during the Covid-19 pandemic.

This is still tough.

Yesterday morning during my walk, I thought I should listen to the new episodes of Unlocking Us With Brené Brown. I really like the show. Last week, two new episodes dropped about the art of apology. When I saw what the episodes were about, my body tensed. I thought, This does not sound like the sort of thing I have the energy for right now. But I made myself hit Play. I love the podcast, and I love working to be a better person. If I just listenend for a few minutes, I would surely get fired up.

After ten minutes, I realized I was just not in a place to absorb the lessons. I switched to NPR Pop Culture Happy Hour. For me, that show is a reliable source of brain candy, and damn, I needed some brain candy.

Then last night, Nathan asked what I wanted to watch after the kids went to bed. I picked the movie Bel Canto. I read and adored the book years ago and thought I would enjoy the movie. The book involves a hostage situation in South America with an opera singer, and oh, it was such a lyrical story. I wanted to revisit that lyrical place. But within fifteen minutes of starting the movie, I realized the movie was going to be a little more intense than my sepia toned memory of the book. After all, it involves a hostage situation in South America. Nathan asked if I wanted to watch something else. My body screamed, Yes! Let’s watch something pleasant! But then my brain thought, I should watch this movie. (One of these days, I will learn to associate the word “should” with alarm bells.) I soldiered on for another fifteen minutes.

Then I waved the white flag and asked Nathan to switch to Fleabag. Again, I needed brain candy.

I have to keep reminding myself that we are living during an unprecedented moment in history. I want to get comfortable with uncertainty but holy shit, there is so much uncertainty. I want to go with the flow, but where the fuck is the flow going? And why does it sound like there are waterfalls ahead? Has anyone checked this river for waterfalls???

I am doing everything I can to be my best self during this adventure. I can try to be positive and call this The Great 2020 Adventure, but it’s still a fucking crisis. It is still draining to be living through such uncharted territory with two small children who want to go back to school already and see their friends. Sometimes it helps to call this an adventure. But sometimes, I need to remember this is a crisis and it is okay to feel drained and grumpy.

Sometimes, my best self just wants happy, entertaining podcasts and television shows. If that is the medicine that helps me get through this crisis/adventure, then that is the medicine I am going to take.

The difficult movies and podcast episodes will be waiting for me on the other side of the pandemic.

Pass the popcorn and brain candy!