There is an old Far Side cartoon that depicts a classroom with adult students and a teacher at the chalkboard. In the front row, there’s a student with a freakishly small head, hand raised, and the caption:

Mr. Osborne, may I be excused? My brain is full.

That just about sums up my current state of affairs.

I have not blogged or worked on my fantasy novel for the last two days because my brain is just too damn full. Right now, my brain still feels too full, but I also feel like I might lose my mind if I don’t write something. So here I am.

I know this is just another fun part of the Covid-19 sheltering at home experience. We have been doing this for seven weeks! It has been seven weeks since my kids’ schools closed, and seven weeks since Nathan’s firm decided everyone should work from home. And still, we have no idea when this will end.

On one level, this is not that difficult. Bombs are not falling from the sky. We are healthy. Our days are filled with very basic tasks: laundry; dishes; cooking; keeping the kids busy; makings sure Pippa does some first grade schoolwork; tidying the messes that never stop accumulating; taking walks; texting friends. The car does not get used every day. My To Do list is rather short.

But on a deeper level, this is one of the most difficult thing I have ever done. (It’s a close foot race between my adventures with postpartum depression and the current situation. I think PPD was worse… but ask me that again in five years when I have some perspective.)

It’s not surprising that my brain is full! My whole life was turned upside down in the space of a few days.

Before Pandemic	Now (holy shit!)
My kids went to school	My kids have distance learning at home
My husband worked at an office in downtown Los Angeles	A chair in the master bedroom is Nathan’s office
I went to the grocery store and got everything I needed, no hassle	&*$% I can’t even
I saw people outside of my immediate family on a daily basis	Who are these “people outside of my immediate family” of which you speak?
I took my kids to places like the zoo and Natural History Museum	We drove to Sonic last week for lunch and it was an event

This upheaval has kicked the shit out of a lot of routines and habits that I took for granted. For example, I had a daily routine to get the kids ready for school that included things like brushing teeth and getting dressed. We don’t have to get ready for school anymore, so now it is often mid-day before I remember they need to brush their teeth. Today, they actually asked me to help them floss! Another example: I used to make ice in the afternoon while packing school lunches. Now: no more packed lunches, no more remembering to make ice.

And don’t get me started on the grocery store! Pre-Covid-19, I parked the car, got a cart, checked my list, put everything in my cart, and paid. Now my brain has to go through high-level acrobatics just to make sure I get what we need:

• Where will I park? Which entrance will be open? It changes!
• Oh, crap, where’s my face mask? Got to put on the face mask.
• Then I get my shopping cart but the store keeps changing the protocol for that. They are doing their best to sterilize the carts, but I swear, it was an obstacle course to get one last time.
• Now it is time to social distance. I can’t just waltz down an aisle and get what I need. I have to make sure I am giving the other shoppers enough space.
• Then I cannot be certain I will be able to get what is on the list. Dairy has been hit and miss. And meat? Well, I no longer write specific items on my list. I just write “meat” and see what the grocery gods will send.
• Waiting in line to pay is another social distancing game. Is this difficult? No. Is it new? Yes! And when everything is new, it freaks my brain out a little.

I am mentally and emotionally drained. I feel like I should lounge in bed, read a book, and give my brain a break. But I have been doing that for two days and I miss the escape of working on my fantasy novel.

I also do not have a lot of patience left for my kids. My brain is like, All systems full, access to patience reserves denied.

I know that I will eventually feel like myself again. I know I need to be patient and give myself rest, grace and compassion.

But damn, this is tough.

Covid-19, my brain is full. May I be excused from this alternate reality now?