Right now, I am sad and just letting myself feel my sorrow.

My friend’s dad died today (not from Corona), and I don’t know when I’ll get to hug her. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to send flowers since florists are not an essential service where her parents live. There are so many moments lately that make my heart ache. You think I’d eventually go numb but instead, I feel more and more deeply.

For nearly seven years now, I have been working to become a better version of myself. A lot of that work has involved getting comfortable with my feelings. I spent most of my life avoiding my feelings, and I know that I have to basically let myself get naked with my feelings if I want to feel authentic and whole.

But there is still a part of me that wants to avoid my feelings. As I work to become a better person, and try things like therapy and meditation, I think that on a subconscious level, part of me is hoping to find a way to transcend my feelings. Like, if I can find the right mixture of yoga, meditation, prayer and journaling, I will never again have an uncomfortable feeling.

But that’s not going to happen, is it?

And would I even want that if it were possible?

If I eliminated all the shitty feelings that come with the human experience, wouldn’t I eliminate the glorious ones as well?

Right now, I want to feel the sadness. I don’t want to bury it with chocolate or transform it with meditation and prayer. I just want to feel sad because someone I loved lost her dad and empathy is a beautiful part of being human.

I am sad, and that’s okay.