One of my favorite books is The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) by Don Miguel Ruiz. (Whew, trying saying that three times fast!) I read it about three years ago, and it was truly transformational. Within a few weeks of reading that book, and applying its teachings to my life, I felt like a better person. I was more compassionate and confident and less judgmental. Shortly after finishing The Four Agreements, I thought, damn, I need to reread that one.
But I rarely reread nonfiction books. I reread Pride and Prejudice every two or three years, and I do like to revisit a few other favorites from time to time. I have read The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin many, many times – but that is mainly because my college thesis was about the publication of his autobiography. (There are probably less than ten people alive who have read The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin as many times as I have!) But for the most part, my To Read List is too long for me to reread books.
I could not, however, get out of my head the idea that I should make an exception for The Four Agreements. While having lunch with a friend in February (two months and about eleven lifetimes ago), we talked about The Four Agreements briefly. Shortly thereafter, I saw that Awesome with Alison, one of my favorite podcasts, was doing a Four Agreements read-along. Well, shit. It seemed time to dust off my copy and start rereading.
Then this whole sheltering-at-home adventure started and I realized that rereading The Four Agreements was no longer just a good idea. It was absolutely imperative. So long story short (too late!), that is what I am slowly doing.
The book’s basic premise is that as children, we are domesticated by the world and we accept “agreements” that affect the way we live. A lot of these agreements are actually pretty damn destructive. For example, a girl might accept the agreement that she is only worthy of love if she is perfect. Then, she becomes a perfectionist and beats herself up whenever she misses that target. Another child might accept the agreement that she is a failure and should not bother trying to do anything right because she sucks no matter what. Growing up, we make hundreds if not thousands of agreements that can actually make us pretty damn miserable.
But there is hope! If we accept the four agreements described by Ruiz, then those agreements will dismantle all the false agreements we have accepted. The four agreements are: (1) be impeccable with your word; (2) don’t take things personally; (3) don’t make assumptions; and (4) do your best.
The Four Agreements was so incredibly inspiring and transformational when I read it in 2016. And now, four years later, in the midst of the sheltering-at-home adventure, I’m finding it to be just as inspiring. Maybe more.
I’ve been frustrated the past few weeks because there is no manual for this unprecedented moment in history, but as I’ve been rereading The Four Agreements, I’ve found myself warming up to a new idea: maybe I don’t need a specific manual for the Covid-19 crisis.
Life feels weird and surreal and unprecedented but it is still life.
The sun still rises in the east and sets in the west.
My heart still beats in my chest while my stomach digests lunch.
And my children are still comforted by snuggles and stories.
We are living through a historic moment, but we are still humans doing our best to live. In the middle of a global crisis, The Four Agreements still feels relevant and inspirational. As I think about some of my other favorite books – The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday; The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck by Mark Manson; and literally anything by Brené Brown, Pema Chodron and Natalie Goldberg – I am realizing that all the advice that felt powerful when I was living my “regular” life is just as powerful now.
For me, sheltering-at-home is a bit like a microscope. It has revealed personal issues (e.g discomfort with uncertainty, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings) that were there pre-Corona. They were just doing a better job of flying under the radar.
Postpartum depression was also a sort of microscope for my personal issues – a microscope with crashing hormones, a new baby, and a major life transition. Postpartum depression created PPD-specific issues (like suicidal thoughts, something I only ever experienced in July 2015 at the height of my PPD), but PPD also shed a very intense light on my preexisting anxiety. Once I recovered from the crisis of PPD, I took a hard look at my preexisting anxiety, smiled, and basically said, Your turn.
When this adventure of sheltering-at-home began, I ached for a book that would address all my specific “living through a pandemic” issues. But now that I am rereading The Four Agreements, I see that instead of finding some book that alleviates all my current discomfort, I can do something even better. I can dive deeper and tackle the personal issues – perfectionism, discomfort with uncertainty, avoidance of feelings – that were able to fly below the radar during the humdrum of regular pre-Covid-19 living.
This might actually be a little fun.