I have decided: 2019 is my year of no sugar.

Let me clarify: 2019 is my year of no refined sugar. I am allowed to eat all the fruits and veggies that my heart desires. Yes, grapes and watermelon have sweet sugars, but I don’t have a problem with fruit. I have a problem with refined sugar, and so we are breaking up for at least an entire year.

I am also not worried about the occasional bit of refined sugar in a savory dish at a restaurant. I don’t eat at restaurants very often, and savory dishes are not my problem. I am overweight because (a) I emotionally eat (b) refined sugar in (c) cookies, donuts, cakes, ice cream, candy, and various assorted desserts. I am not overweight because sometimes there is a drizzle of sugar in some salad dressing at a restaurant, so I’m not going to obsess over those infrequent brushes with the White Sugar Beast.

Earlier this year, in August 2018, I broke up with sugar for one hour. Then another. And another. I kept breaking up with sugar for an hour at a time until I was ready to commit to an entire day, then a week, and then a month, without refined sugar. I ended up avoiding refined sugar until Halloween. Then I allowed myself to go crazy and eat All The Candy on October 30th and October 31st.

I went clean again until Thanksgiving when I allowed myself to have All the Pie and All The Ice Cream.

I was good for about two weeks, and then, I decided I was allowed to have sugar in light of the Christmas holidays. I decided I could relax my refined sugar ban and go clean until the New Year.

Oops.

Within a few days, I was sucked back into the vortex of sugar binging. One day, I ate about 2000 calories of Hershey kisses while standing up next to the microwave. Another day, I senselessly gobbled up a dozen cookies. But hey, the holidays are about sugar!

Right?

After I gave up sugar in August, I had the best menstrual cycle of my life. It was short, about 28 days, and I did not experience a blip of PMS. No mood swings, and none of my usual insomnia. I had the most gloriously civilized and healthy menstrual cycles in August, September, October, and November.

December was not so good.

I had three nights of insomnia. Not ideal when you are preparing for the holidays with small children. And I had a much longer cycle than usual. Instead of the 26-28 day cycles I had been enjoying, my December cycle lasted 31 days. Those extra days? Overflowing with moody, bitchy PMS.

I can see the connection between my health, my menstrual cycle and refined white sugar. No sugar, no PMS; lots of sugar, lots of PMS. It’s that simple, and fuck it, I don’t want to live that way anymore.

So I won’t.

In August, when I gave up sugar, it felt right to do it in the smallest way possible. One hour. But now, four and a half months later, it feels right to go big and bold and resolve to give up sugar for 2019.

I feel relieved. Lighter. Before I made this decision, I was wasting a lot of energy thinking about how much sugar I would let myself eat in 2019. I knew I had to eat less, but oh, I’m turning 40 in January. How could I turn 40 without cake and ice cream? And then there’s Valentine’s Day. How can I celebrate Valentine’s Day without dark chocolate? And then there’s the family trip to Vegas in June. How can I visit the buffets without eating all the gelato?

Now the decision has been made. I don’t have to agonize over whether I can have sugar on my birthday or whether I should indulge in a teeny taste of my kids’ Easter candy. I’ve already made the decision. I want to see how healthy I can feel after an entire year sans sugar, end of discussion. I’m not going to waste my energy debating various exceptions.

I am so excited for this adventure.