A few months ago, I stepped back from running a mom-to-mom postpartum support group.

Last week, I posted the last episode of my podcast Adventures with Postpartum Depression.

It seems like my intuition is leading me towards something new. I don’t know exactly what, but slowly, as I let my mind wander across journal pages, thoughts are emerging.

• How much was my experience with postpartum depression an isolated mental illness? And how much was it a stage in a spiritual and/or personal journey?
• What part of my experiences with postpartum depression were just a result of my personality? I’m an introvert. I need space to be quiet and alone and experience deep solitude. But when I became a mother, I felt like I was supposed to be some idealized version of a mother (that probably only exists in my head and social media), and that mother was supposed to flourish at large mommy and me classes, when in actuality, I do better in small group settings. So certain symptoms of PPD might have been at least partially the result of me trying to be someone I am not.

Deep breath.

Sometimes, when I start a blog post, I hope to come to some incredibly concise epiphany that I can share with the world. But I think right now, I’m supposed to feel a bit lost and vague. I think I’m supposed to use this space to wander around, ramble and thrash with some ideas that are percolating… ideas that I could not explore when I was deeply involved with the community of moms who have postpartum depression. Or rather, ideas that I did not feel comfortable exploring on my PPD blog, my PPD podcast, or at my PPD support group; because for a mom in the darkness in PPD, she just needs to do what she needs to do to get out of that particular darkness. The ideas I’m exploring these days are not the sort of ideas that would help a mom in the throes of PPD.

And so long as I was hosting a PPD podcast and support group, I was not mentally or emotionally in the right space to explore new ideas.

I’m starting to understand that I had to end my podcast and support group, because I’m on a journey. For a time, I had to play the part of PPD advocate. But now, I’m continuing my personal journey, and I am supposed to move in new directions and force myself to grow into new roles.

I have no idea where my personal journey is taking me. I just know that today, I am where I am meant to be.