As the mother of a five year old and two and a half year old, I have attended my fair share of children’s birthday parties. I used to go to these parties optimistic, certain I was going to have a great time talking to the other grownups while my child was occupied by birthday party activities. More often than that, I left the party feeling drained and defeated.

What was I doing wrong?

For the longest time, I focused on my kids. What could I do to make them behave and, ahem, leave me alone at parties so I could socialize?

But then I remembered: I can’t change my kids; I can only change myself.

So finally, as I was taking Julian to a birthday party yesterday, I tried something new. I lowered my expectations.

I’m not saying I turned into a pessimist and assumed the party was going to be a shit show. Instead, I was a realist. We were going to a party at a park. There would be donuts and coffee at some picnic tables and a big playground nearby. Julian, in typical two year old form, would want to run around and play games with mama and be difficult when I needed to use the bathroom. I warned myself that conversation with the other parents would be difficult, but at least there would be coffee.

And I was right: conversation with the other parents was difficult. But I did get to have a few conversations! Ten minutes with Mom A, five minutes and then another five minutes with Mom B, two minutes with the Hostess Mom, and then ten minutes with Sweet Stranger Mom. All in all, I got to enjoy thirty-two minutes of conversation while chasing after my busy boy. AND THERE WAS COFFEE!

In the past, I went to parties thinking I would get to socialize the entire time, minus any minutes needed for diaper changes. So when I only got a few interrupted moments of conversation, I felt cheated.

But yesterday, I went to the party with the assumption I would not get to enjoy any conversation. Thirty-two minutes felt wonderful compared to zero seconds. By changing my expectations, I changed the way I experienced the birthday party.

This is something I want to work on in other areas of motherhood. I don’t want to turn into Gloom and Doom Mom, but I’d like to see how I can improve my motherhood experiences by adjusting my expectations to fit my current stage of life.

Bonus Points: Kids do become more independent with age. When I took Pippa to a six year old’s birthday last month, I spent about 90% of the time chatting with other parents. The fragmented nature of a toddler/preschooler party is just a phase.

In the meantime, there’s always coffee.