I love self-care. I believe it is a necessary and vital part of our lives.

BUT: I also worry that self-care gets presented to women as a sort of panacea that will cure all their problems. Feeling down? Buy a scented candle. Feeling unfulfilled and dissatisfied with your life? Take a bubble bath!

This is the dangerous self-care myth: if I practice self-care, I’ll be happy. I’ll feel great. All my problems will go away.

But self-care does not always address deeper soul needs.

I was introduced to the idea of self-care when I was recovering from postpartum depression. My psychiatrist kept nagging me to practice self-care. My loved ones kept urging me to take time for myself. I also read a lot of books about PPD, and those books urged me to practice self-care.

But what the hell did that mean?

At first, I thought of self-care in terms of pedicures and bubble baths. A week after I was discharged from the hospital for psychiatric care, I got a massage. That was relaxing and good but … I felt kind of hollow. So the next day, I got a pedicure. That was also nice and relaxing, but still… I had a hollow feeling.

I was also coloring in the evenings. I had started coloring at the hospital as part of “occupational therapy.” Nathan saw how making art lit me up, so he bought me crayons and coloring books. I had also started journaling again. Slowly, I started to realize that writing and making art helped me feel good. Massages and pedicures were relaxing, but for me, writing and making art were the priority.

I do not want to disparage things like massages and pedicures. I love me a good spa day. In fact, when the pandemic is over, I can’t wait to go to my favorite spa (I hope it is still open!) and get a scrub. Things like bubble baths and spa days definitely count as self-care. It’s just for me, when I only have a little time for self-care, I get more value from taking time to write and make art. For everyone, self-care going to look a little different. You have to do what works for you. Not what works for me, or your sister, or your best friend. YOU.

I think self-care is amazing and important BUT as I was recovering from PPD and reading about self-care, I started to internalize a dangerous message: if I took an hour every week, or twenty minutes every day, just for myself, then I would be fine.

Let’s take a little flashback to my lawyer days, shall we? I graduated from law school in 2004 and practiced law until January 2013. When I was a lawyer, I was MISERABLE. I was never called to be a lawyer. I went to law school because I was terrified of following my calling to be a writer. I worked as a lawyer at big law firms with a big salary because I had this idea that my value depended on how much money I made and how much prestige my job carried.

But hey, when I was a lawyer, I self-cared the shit out of myself. Expensive spa days. Journaling in the morning. I went on trips. Bought myself expensive purses that I didn’t really like. I got facials. I got my hair done. I exercised. I knitted. I did all the self-care! But did that help?

HELL NO.

I was still a miserable lawyer because I was denying my inner call to be a writer and pursuing a career that shredded my soul. I used to tell people that when I got off the elevator at work, I switched into lawyer mode. And when I left, I could switch back to Courtney. This felt a little bad ass. But it was crushing my spirit, and there was no amount of self-care that could make me feel better. I might as well have put a bandaid on an amputated limb.

Self-care is necessary. Relaxation is vital. But self-care has to be done in conjunction with being your authentic self. You cannot avoid your inner divine call by taking a bubble bath. You cannot avoid the work that you are meant to be doing in this lifetime by getting a facial.

This is not easy. We are born with our true inner calling and the work we need to do. But then life piles on and separates us from our call. Society convinces us that we are not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough. That we need to fit in, follow the rules, be a good girl, and act like everyone else or we’ll be rejected and cast out from the herd. We are told that we cannot be trusted, that we are not lovable, and that we should be happy with a bubble bath and glass of wine.

We have been told that a scented candle is enough to cancel out the fact that our spirits have been crushed.

Let me tell you about scented candles. When I was a miserable lawyer, I bought myself a $40 candle. It did not make me feel good about myself. It just made me feel like an idiot for buying a $40 candle BECAUSE I DON’T EVEN LIKE SCENTED CANDLES!

I can’t tell you what your inner call is. I can’t tell you what work you are meant to do in this lifetime. I can’t tell you who your authentic self is. But I can tell you this: your inner call is worthy; your authentic self is awesome; your work and your voice and your ideas are important.

If you are struggling to figure out what your divine call is, I suggest thinking about your younger self. What did you feel called to do as a kid? What juiced you up? What did you feel compelled to do? What did you love to do?I read somewhere to think of yourself when you were twelve years old, but I prefer thinking of myself as even younger. Because I don’t know about you, but by the time I was twelve, I was already fairly messed up by society and other peoples’ expectations and opinions.

The idea of self-care as a panacea for all ills is dangerous to women. It makes us think that all we need to do to have a happy life is get pedicures and maybe color for fifteen minutes at the end of the day. The self-care myth is telling us to drown our inner call with a bubble bath.

Self-care is necessary and vital and wonderful. But if your soul feels crushed because you are smothering your inner divine call, self-care is not going to fix that. The self-care myth perpetuates the idea that you just need fifteen minutes a day to feel like yourself, but you deserve to feel like your best self all day, every day. That doesn’t mean you won’t sometimes feel uncomfortable or sad or angry. That’s life. But you can feel uncomfortable or sad or angry and still feel like yourself. That is what you deserve. You deserve to practice self-care AND feel like your best damn self in all aspects of your life.