Sleep is the foundation of my mental health. I learned this the hard way in 2013 when I had postpartum depression and suffered from insomnia. The insomnia did not start until June 2013, about three months after Pippa was born. Before the insomnia kicked in, I was definitely experiencing many symptoms of postpartum depression: especially anxiety, obsessive compulsions (like checking locks), extreme guilt, and of course, depression.
But once the insomnia started, that’s when shit got dark. It was not long after the insomnia started that I fell into despair, thought my life was over, daydreamed about being put in a coma while the doctors figured out what was wrong with me, and started having intrusive suicidal thoughts.
And then, once I was hospitalized and started taking Zoloft and Mirtazipane and got some decent sleep, I started to recover so quickly, it still takes my breath away to think about it. One afternoon, I was waiting with my husband in the ER, convinced I was broken beyond repair. Three mornings later, I felt as if I had been reborn.
Long story short (but hey, I wrote a book if you want the long story), I know firsthand how much sleep affects my mental health.
Now that we are sheltering-at-home during the Covid-19 pandemic, there is no way I am going to fuck around with my sleep.
Here is what I have been doing to get enough sleep:
- I am taking my Vitamin B supplements. Which reminds me, I forgot to take my lunch dose. Hang on… (I need TONS of Vitamin B because I have a genetic mutation that makes it difficult for my brain to process Vitamin B. I wrote about that last month in this post.)
- After the kids go to bed, I watch t.v. with Nathan but t.v. goes off by 9 p.m. Okay, 9:10 p.m. if we are watching something good. Maybe 9:15 if it’s Tiger King. But seriously! I need to get away from the television as close to 9 p.m. as I can manage.
- I then attend to my bedtime supplements. First, I take two tablets of SLEEPSolve 24/7 . Then, I mix a quarter teaspoon of this magnesium powder with hot water and drink it as a sort of bedtime tea. And lastly, I take 7.5 milligram of Remeron. (And duh, I’m not a doctor. Check with your doctor, blah blah blah. I need more magnesium but hey, you might not!)
- Then I write for a few minutes to get any nagging thoughts out of my head and on to the page. I also make sure I have prepared my bullet journal for the next day.
- And lastly, I read until I am too exhausted to read another word. This usually happens around 10 p.m.
I mentioned in this March post that I am probably read to wean off Remeron (a.k.a. Mirtazipane) because I am finally getting the Vitamin B that I need. But hey-o, weaning off an anti-anxiety medication during a pandemic does not seem like the best idea!
This is not the time to be brutal with ourselves and think, I should be able to sleep without medication or I should just suck it up and deal with being tired. This is a time for being tender and gentle with ourselves and do everything within our power to get enough sleep. (I mean everything that is healthy! Gah!)
About a week ago, I had a shit lousy day because the kids woke me from a deep REM sleep. I had slept nearly 8 hours, and should have felt great, but they barged into my room while I was still in dream land. And when that happens, I feel groggy, cranky and disgusting all day. Also, dehydrated. Does anyone else feel dehydrated when they don’t get enough sleep?
So after feeling groggy all day, I went to bed thinking how badly I needed a good night’s sleep. Well, as soon as sleep feels like an issue, it becomes an issue. Of course I had trouble getting to sleep. Instead of passing out at 10 like I usually do, I tossed and turned and tossed some more until past 3 a.m. And then once I finally got to sleep, I still woke up every hour to toss a little more. Because you know, I had not tossed enough during the first half of the night.
I felt exhausted all day for the second day in the row. Though my exhaustion was actually not as bad as the prior day’s. For me, being woken from REM sleep is like 10x worse than just not sleeping enough. (Jeez, it’s like I’m trying to make it easy for someone who wants to kidnap and torture me one day.)
So that night, I decided to take 15 mg of Mirtazipane instead of my usual 7.5. (I have done this many, many times with my psychiatrist’s full approval. I actually took 30 mg after both my pregnancies. You have to know what works for your body before you tweak your medication dose. My doctor and I have discussed that when I am stressed or anxious or just suffering from intense PMS, I can and should take 15 mg of Mirtazipane. Please don’t just double the medication you are taking because that’s what Courtney did. Ok, lecture over.)
I slept like an angel.
For five nights, I took 15 mg of Mirtazipane because I knew I was having some anxiety over not getting enough sleep. And right now, in the midst of a pandemic, is not the time to try to tough it out. Actually, when it comes to sleep, my philosophy is: it’s never the time to tough it out. Get your sleep! Stigma be damned! Take whatever medication or supplements you need! Sweet Jesus!
Then, on the sixth night, I checked in with my intuition, and my intuition told me, Just 7.5. mg tonight.
I paused and thought, Are you sure?
My intuition told me, Yes, so I shrugged and took 7.5 mg and slept as angelically as I had for the previous five nights. That was two nights ago. Last night, I again took the regular schmegular 7.5. mg and slept beautifully. I assume I will take 7.5 mg again tonight, but I make no guarantees. This adventure changes hour by hour, so something (anything!) might rev up my anxiety. And if my intuition tells me to take the 15 mg, then I will listen.
Because as much as things change during this adventure, here’s the one thing that never changes: I need my sleep!