I have been up since 3 a.m. and am utterly and completely exhausted. I should probably not be trying to write a coherent blog post. But when have I ever actually been coherent? So here goes.

Yesterday, I was a chaperone for the kindergarten field trip. It was the first time the stars aligned and the field trip happened on a day that I could leave Julian with a babysitter. Pippa was ecstatic. We have been talking about the field trip for weeks. We were going to have fun! So much fun! Hooray for mother-daughter bonding!

OMG it was awful.

Yesterday was school picture day. Because why just go on a field trip when you can combine a field trip with picture day, right? I let Pippa pick her outfit and hairstyle and then decided that the grey background would go best with her pink patterned dress. As the kids lined up to go to the auditorium for photos, I gave Pippa the slip with the background choice. She took a look. She saw what I had picked.

This is when all hell broke loose.

The lady protested. She did not want a boring grey background. She wanted the colorful background with little doodles and words and lots and lots of colors!

I said no. She started to cry. And then I made it personal and turned the question of the photo background into a power struggle. SHE WAS GOING TO LISTEN TO MY DECISION. Why did she have to be so difficult? Why couldn’t she let me pick her background? None of the other kids gave two shits about their photo background. Woe is me!

Pippa kept crying. My emotions escalated. I decided that she had to obey me in this decision, or how could I ever expect her to obey curfew? Or listen to me when I told her to avoid heroin and unprotected sex? I felt scales growing over my heart. My skin was getting hot and all my shame buttons were pushed. I felt like the other parents were judging me. Most of all, I wanted to WIN.

By the time we got to the auditorium, Pippa was having a full meltdown. I tried hugging her but I wasn’t in a very loving spot, so I don’t think my hug was comforting. Eventually, though, I “won,” and she took her photo with the grey background. But poor girl was miserable, so I don’t think I’ll be ordering a photo package this time.

By the time we got back to the kindergarten classroom, I was exhausted. I needed to step back and process what had happened. Maybe take a long walk, do some journaling, meditate… Except now it was time for the field trip.

Yay!

I’m going to spare you the blow by blow of the field trip. Suffice to say: it was sensory overload. Noisy kids on a school bus. A crowded bathroom with an overflowing toilet. Kids who would not listen to their adult chaperones. Good times.

But despite the discomforts of the field trip, by the time we got back to school, Pippa and I were good. Better than good. I took her to get ice cream and I apologized for being such an ass about the photo background. (Though not in those exact words!) I explained that I had thought about it and realized she is an artist and has strong opinions about things like photo backgrounds; that I know she is a good listener and is very good at being flexible when it’s important to her health and safety; but hey, a photo background is not about health and safety; so next time, I’ll let her decide.

Overall, I think this misadventure was a good experience. It made us closer and I feel like I have learned – and am still internalizing – an important lesson about being Pippa’s mom. She is a very visually oriented person with a lot of artistic and stylistic opinions. She has been this way since before she was two, when she started thrashing the moment I tried to dress her in an outfit that was not entirely pink. I am still learning how to be the mother she needs. But now I know that I need to let her have her way on these stylistic issues because they are important to her and don’t interfere with her well-being. I can let something like a photo background go. Deep breath! I am happy with all that I learned yesterday.

But damn, I’m tired today.

I learned that kindergarten field trips are exhausting. We had a play date scheduled for today that I cancelled. I can’t do play dates after field trips! Lesson learned.

And I learned that when I experience sensory overload, my body is going to make sure I get the rest I did. That’s why I was awake at 3 a.m. and could not get back to sleep. I think my body and subconscious conspired to make sure that today I had a Mellow AF day.

So that’s what I’m doing. I’m exhausted but grateful anyway for the lessons I learned yesterday. Motherhood is helping me become a better person.