2022: The Good, The Bad, And The Lessons I Learned

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Here is a very rough timeline of my year:

January: My Uncle Pete died after a long struggle with dementia. He was way too young and vibrant to die, and nearly a year later, it’s still difficult for me to wrap my mind around this loss.

February 1: My Grandma Shirley died. This was a beautiful death. I got to be there, holding her hand, with my mom and sister, while my grandma died in her sleep. She was 96-years-old and had lived a wonderful, full life. Still, the loss of a loved one sucks and losing a beloved uncle and an adored grandma in the space of two weeks was A LOT.

The first week of February: I was the cookie chair for Pippa’s Girl Scout troop and there was drama because (1) one family broke various rules and (2) there were cookie shortages nationwide. The troop leaders were incredibly supportive and our troop decided to stop selling cookies and share our surplus with troops who didn’t have any.

The end of February: I ran the school book fair at my kids’ elementary school and it was AWESOME. After spending several weeks in the darkness of grief, book fair brought me back to life.

March-May: I found that doing things helped me cope with my grief so I decided to do All The Things. I signed up to be the VP of Volunteers for our PTA, a leader for Pippa’s Girl Scout troop (so one of the leaders could retire), and a coach for both my kids’ soccer teams.

June: I published my first novel. Woot woot!

July: Amazing family trip to Nebraska – first time since the pandemic. Then, while the kids were at camp, I started drafting my second novel.

August: Kids went back to school AND THERE WAS DRAMA AND TOO MUCH TO DO. On the PTA front, I was the VP of Volunteers and since no one volunteered to be the Room Parent Chair, I had to handle that as well. Also, no one wanted to volunteer at school, so recruiting volunteers was like squeezing water from rocks. I had to attend two different training sessions to coach soccer (because the kids are in different age groups) and then I had to beg/cajole/blackmail parents to be referees for their teams.

September: I was too busy from coaching soccer, doing PTA stuff, and getting the Girl Scout year started and felt very frazzled, so I decided to go on a digital detox.THEN MY DAD WAS DIAGNOSED WITH PROSTATE CANCER.

October: Soccer, lots of PTA work recruiting volunteers for the school carnival, and omnipresent concerns about my dad. I ended my digital detox but have not returned to TikTok. I have a much healthier relationship now with IG and FB.

November: Very few parents volunteered for the school carnival AND IT WAS A CLUSTERFUCK. Soccer continued. My dad’s doctors were very optimistic and he scheduled his surgery for mid-December.

December: My dad had his surgery, and the cancer has not spread. Best possible outcome! Soccer ended, and we celebrated the holidays. For the first time since December 2019, we gathered for Christmas Eve with my extended family and feasted upon my Aunt Berta’s amazing lasagna.

Okay, so in light of all that happened, these are the epiphanies I had in 2022:

  • Grief Must Be Felt: I went into a self-imposed cocoon in February after the double whammy of my uncle’s and grandma’s deaths, and I needed that time to Feel My Grief, but then I just as much needed the activities of book fair to pull me back into the realm of the living.
  • I Love Doing Things: After book fair, I concluded that Doing Things and Volunteering are good for my mental health. They help build my momentum. I decided that since I was enjoying my volunteer work so much, I should do more to strengthen my momentum. I volunteered to be an AYSO coach, take on a bigger role with our PTA, and also be a Girl Scout leader.
  • Fake Drama Is A Waste Of Energy: There was a lot of school-related drama in August concerning things like Julian’s first grade teacher, the PTA membership drive and a rumored threat about a school shooting, and this all felt terribly important UNTIL MY DAD WAS DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER. Talk about a kick in the ass to give me some much needed perspective on what matters and what is just fake drama. I realized I was giving too much of my energy to fake drama, which was having a very real impact on my mental health.
  • There’s A Huge Difference Between “Doing” And “Being Busy”: Additionally, I realized that while volunteering for All the Things had seemed like a good idea in the spring, this just made me too busy doing things that do not matter to me in the grand scheme of things. I evaluated and reevaluated my life and decided that when my term is up at the end of the school year, I will not volunteer again for the PTA. It’s not the right fit for me, for a variety of reasons, but long story short: I’d rather volunteer directly with my kids’ classes, like as a room parent, and be a foot soldier for the PTA when I’m available. But being on the board of PTA sucked up time and mental energy in ways that just had me busy, rather than doing things that set my soul on fire. In 2023, I want less busyness, more setting my soul on fire. When I was planning my 23 in ’23 I was definitely drawn toward projects that would get me doing just that.
  • Managing Other People Drains My Mental Energy: If I look back at the actual hours I spent volunteering for PTA so far during the 2022-23 school year, the actual number is not too high (though it is higher than I’d like). But the mental load has been unbearable because I volunteered for a position that requires me to manage other people and holy shit, I forgot how much I hate managing others. Some people thrive on this sort of work, but I don’t, and I believe the world needs people to do the things that feel authentic to them. My volunteer work with the PTA has reminded me of how I felt as a lawyer: I might have been good at the work, but it left my soul feeling hollow because I was not being true to my authentic self. And when I’m not aligned with my authentic self, damn, that takes a toll on my mental energy.
  • I’m Not A Coach: After deciding I’m done with PTA, I realized I also don’t want to be a soccer coach again. I’m glad I did it this year, but once was enough. You know why? I don’t care enough about sports to be a coach! I liked coaching Pippa’s team because I could empower the girls – teaching them about tackling was very rewarding – but I don’t know anything about soccer strategy and more importantly, I don’t want to learn about soccer strategy. Nathan would talk to me excitedly about Pippa’s games and the strategies I could teach the girls and I realized: I just don’t give a shit. I liked coaching Julian’s team because I got to know his peers, but I have also gotten to know his classmates by teaching art lessons to the first graders, which is so much more my jam. I loved playing soccer as a kid, and I love playing soccer with my kids, but that doesn’t mean I have to coach.
  • You Can Leave Your Comfort Zone AND Stay In Your Wheelhouse: When I realized I don’t want to be a soccer coach, I had another epiphany: It’s good to sometimes push myself out of my comfort zone, but that doesn’t mean I have to leave my wheelhouse. Was coaching soccer out of my comfort zone? Absolutely. But was it within my wheelhouse? Hell, no! Was becoming a Girl Scout leader out of my comfort zone? Yes! But is it within my wheelhouse? Hell, yes!
  • I Need A Buffer: After feeling burnt out by PTA and AYSO, I decided it was time to reread Essentialism by Greg McKeown. The audiobook reminded me of the importance of having a buffer. If we take on as many obligations as we can possibly handle, what happens when the shit hits the fan? And the shit always hits the fan. When I learned my dad had cancer in September, I needed time to process that – but my September was so jam-packed, I didn’t have any time to spare for my feelings! I ended up canceling different obligations, but as I head into 2023, I want to create a buffer. Yes, I have my 23 in ’23, but I know I won’t actually complete all those projects. They are just fun ideas, and just having a 23 in ’23 project energizes me. I will suffer zero guilt when I jettison various prongs of that project. I will explore the 23 in ’23 during the time that creates my buffer; and when I need the buffer to handle Shit Hitting the Fan, I will gladly postpone or quit those projects.
  • I Need To Rest And Recharge: The 23 in ’23 are the sorts of things that will help me recharge (I think). As for rest and relaxation, I need to slow down from time to time and chill with a book before my body collapses and my immune system forces me to rest.

2022 was not the easiest of years, but I grew from the challenges I faced and I’m excited to see what magic 2023 will bring.