I gave up sugar for one hour today. That hour went so well, I gave it up for another hour and then another, and now I have been refined-sugar free for twelve hours.

Let me back up and explain.

I was listening to Episode 97 of the How Do You Write podcast. Host Rachael Herron was interviewing author Rose Lerner, and during the interview, Rose mentioned the book Mini Habits: Smaller Habits, Bigger Results by Stephen Guise. Just from the title of the book, I knew this was something exciting and immediately added it to my Amazon Wishlist.

Rose explained that instead of tackling big daunting mega-goals, mini-habits are so tiny, they are funny. She gave the example of flossing. She wants to get into the habit of flossing regularly. Instead of making a big resolution like “floss twice daily for an entire year,” she decided to floss ONE TOOTH every day. Just one tooth. That’s such a small habit, it’s ridiculous. How can you not take the time to floss one tooth?? And if you are going to floss one canine, you might as well tackle a few molars… and before you know it, all your teeth are polished and pretty.

I knew this was something I had to apply to sugar.

My relationship with sugar is long, complicated and tortured. Some people have epic disastrous on-again, off-again love affairs. I have sugar. (And caffeine. But I’m not ready to talk about that today.)

I gave up sugar earlier this year and felt fantastic. But I did too much too soon. Shortly after quitting sugar, I quit dairy, red meat, peanuts, gluten, and holy shit, my anxiety freaked the eff out, insomnia kicked in, and I discovered I have been numbing my anxiety for decades with my food addictions.

This is a problem. A problem I want to resolve. But giving up sugar, gluten, red meat, peanuts and dairy within a few short weeks… way too much. So of course I ate a little sugar and then a lot and now, I find myself devouring way too much sugar again.

I have been thinking for a couple of weeks that I need to wean myself off the refined sugar beast again. But I felt repulsed by the idea of another Major Dietary Overhaul. I’ve done that before. Many times. It doesn’t work. So why should I keep torturing myself?

But I could not get the idea of mini habits and flossing one tooth out of my head. What if I gave up sugar for one hour? Just one hour? That’s such a tiny commitment, it’s almost funny.

I was journaling about the idea of a sugar mini-fast this morning and when I looked at the time, it was exactly 7:00 a.m. The timing could not be better.

And so, at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday, August 5, 2018, I went on a one hour sugar fast. That went well, so I extended it for another hour and then another. Now I’m twelve hours into this sugar fast, but unlike prior diets, this does not feel so daunting or extreme. It’s more of a game. How many mini-fasts can I string together? And after I break a streak, whenever that may be, can I beat the original streak with something longer?

I have no idea how this will go, but I’m curious to see!

I am working on being more grateful. I feel so much better when I consciously and intentionally practice gratitude. So without further adieu, here’s a list of random things for which I am very grateful:

1. Classical Stretch, The Esmonde Technique – I record this stretching program off PBS and since starting it a few weeks ago, I have noticed a considerable reduction in back pain.
2. Crowded House the band (My husband and I were talking about them a minute ago and now I want to replay my favorite album, Together Alone)
3. Blogging
4. My five year old’s knock knock jokes (so bad)
5. My 2.5 year old’s knock knock jokes (even worse)
6. Snuggles, because that’s what my 2.5 year old wants to do, so time to hit Publish and get our snuggle on.

I am working on changing my overall mindset. It’s a bit like renovating a house, except it’s my brain. I’m adding a second story, refinishing the basement, changing wall paper… It’s a big project, but in the end, I hope to be a happier, healthier person.

For one of the renovations, I’m adopting a mantra: my challenges are my blessings. This mantra has really brightened up my brain, acting like a wonderful coat of white paint on walls that were formerly black and brown.

Here’s how it works:

Step One: I catch myself responding to a situation in a negative way.

Step Two: I realize I’m categorizing the situation as a “challenge.”

Step Three: I reframe the “challenge” as a “blessing.”

Step Four: I take a deep breath and let good feelings wash away the bad.

And here are a few examples of my mantra in action:

And so on and on and on, and I could keep adding to the list because it’s a fun exercise, but hey, my next book is not just going to write itself. As my eleventh grade English teacher liked to say, Onward, Christian soldiers! (Because apparently that’s what English teachers say to motivate their students at Catholic school.)

Twelve days ago, I decided I should try blogging every day and see what happened. And so, for the past twelve days, that is what I have done. I have written a few posts here, and a few more posts on my PPD blog. (Methinks two websites if enough for this brain of my mine!)

Twelve days ago, I did not know why I had this sudden urge to try blogging every day. I just knew, in my gut, it was something I had to try.

Today I finally realized: daily blogging is helping me sort through my priorities. More: it is helping me develop a stronger sense of self.

I have a running list of Blog Ideas in the Notes app on my iPhone. When it comes time to write, I check the list and pick the idea that jumps out at me. This process helps me see what is on my mind.

The first few days of blogging felt unnatural and awkward, but now, it feels very right to blog every day. The daily practice energizes me.

I’m curious to see how many more days I blog in a row before I want or need a break. I’m curious to see where this leads. It seems that the writing life will always have new surprises for me to discover.

A few weeks ago, I read Tuck Everlasting during our annual family sojourn to Nebraska. I found a copy in a free lending library the day before our trip, so it seemed like the thing to read.

Towards the ends of the book, the protagonist, a young girl, reflects upon her adventures:

Things had happened to her that were hers alone, and had nothing to do with them [her family]. It was the first time. And no amount of telling about it could help them understand or share what she felt. It was satisfying and lonely, both at once. 

Today was Pippa’s last day of summer camp. She has been to camp before, but only at her co-op preschool, where I did volunteer days and knew the teachers and routines. But this was big kid camp. The parents were not even allowed on to camp grounds. We just walked the kids to the entrance and waved as they marched down a hill to pack away their lunches and swim bags and have all sorts of adventures.

It was strange. Pippa had quite the experience this summer – friends and counselors and games with names like Epic and Camouflage. I heard snatches of camp songs hummed from the back seat of the car or from a heap of bubbles during bath time. I often reminisced about my own experiences at summer camp.

But I wasn’t at camp with Pippa this summer.

Sometimes, I feel as if I’m supposed to feel devastated by this separation. Except I don’t. I am proud that Pippa went off on her own and made friends and came home grubby and filthy. I am glad to see that I am not just raising a daughter, but a human, an individual who can go off and conquer the world in whatever way she sees fit.

It happened to her and was hers alone and had nothing to do with me.  It was the first time.

But it won’t be the last.

As the mother of a five year old and two and a half year old, I have attended my fair share of children’s birthday parties. I used to go to these parties optimistic, certain I was going to have a great time talking to the other grownups while my child was occupied by birthday party activities. More often than that, I left the party feeling drained and defeated.

What was I doing wrong?

For the longest time, I focused on my kids. What could I do to make them behave and, ahem, leave me alone at parties so I could socialize?

But then I remembered: I can’t change my kids; I can only change myself.

So finally, as I was taking Julian to a birthday party yesterday, I tried something new. I lowered my expectations.

I’m not saying I turned into a pessimist and assumed the party was going to be a shit show. Instead, I was a realist. We were going to a party at a park. There would be donuts and coffee at some picnic tables and a big playground nearby. Julian, in typical two year old form, would want to run around and play games with mama and be difficult when I needed to use the bathroom. I warned myself that conversation with the other parents would be difficult, but at least there would be coffee.

And I was right: conversation with the other parents was difficult. But I did get to have a few conversations! Ten minutes with Mom A, five minutes and then another five minutes with Mom B, two minutes with the Hostess Mom, and then ten minutes with Sweet Stranger Mom. All in all, I got to enjoy thirty-two minutes of conversation while chasing after my busy boy. AND THERE WAS COFFEE!

In the past, I went to parties thinking I would get to socialize the entire time, minus any minutes needed for diaper changes. So when I only got a few interrupted moments of conversation, I felt cheated.

But yesterday, I went to the party with the assumption I would not get to enjoy any conversation. Thirty-two minutes felt wonderful compared to zero seconds. By changing my expectations, I changed the way I experienced the birthday party.

This is something I want to work on in other areas of motherhood. I don’t want to turn into Gloom and Doom Mom, but I’d like to see how I can improve my motherhood experiences by adjusting my expectations to fit my current stage of life.

Bonus Points: Kids do become more independent with age. When I took Pippa to a six year old’s birthday last month, I spent about 90% of the time chatting with other parents. The fragmented nature of a toddler/preschooler party is just a phase.

In the meantime, there’s always coffee.

Over the past year, I have found myself losing my patience with my kids more and more frequently. I can’t control them. They won’t listen. And then I lose my shit and scream.

I know a lot of moms who also scream at their children. At first, this was reassuring – Oh hey, I’m not a total monster, because half the moms I know are also losing their shit with their kids. But as the months went on, and I kept screaming, my intuition told me something had to change.

It’s one thing to yell if my kids do something dangerous like run away from me in a parking lot. But that’s not the yelling I was doing. I was just yelling if my kids refused to eat their breakfast or left out too many toys. And I would not shout. I would scream until my body shook and Pippa started to cry.

That never felt good.

In fact, it felt effing awful.

Screaming changes my physiology. As soon as I start, I feel all sorts of chemicals flooding my body. Because when I scream, my body assumes, Holy hell, here comes a lion!

And once I’m done screaming, the chemicals linger for hours and hours. I can’t just take a few deep breaths and flush the bad feelings out of my body. I’m stuck with them until I go to bed and hit the reboot button. So if I scream at my kids during the morning routine, I spend the rest of the day feeling miserable.

I’ve been working on the Yelling Problem since the beginning of 2018. First, I had to recognize that I had a problem. Then, I got curious and started journaling about it. Just those two things — getting curious and journaling — helped me reduce the screaming bouts drastically. I went from screaming every two or three days to only every couple of weeks. Progress!

But after a few months of progress, I felt myself sliding back into old habits and patterns. I was once again screaming more frequently, and it seemed like the smallest infraction would trigger me.

So I did what I do whenever I need a little help: I hopped on Amazon and started searching for a book.

I combed through reviews and chose Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child: Eliminating Conflict by Establishing CLEAR, Firm and Respectful Boundaries by Robert Mackenzie. I figured I had to start somewhere, and I would probably have to read several parenting books in order to kick my screaming problem.

I started reading Setting Limits about three weeks ago, and it has changed my life. I have not screamed at my kids ONCE since diving into the first chapter. Over the next few weeks, I’m going to write some posts about the things I have learned from Setting Limits to help me internalize and really absorb the things I have learned. But if the title of the book sounds at all like something you might need, let me assure: you do. This book has transformed me into the parent I want to be!

Time! Time!  Time!

we measure the moments

weigh check note track

every second is identical to every second

yet no two seconds ever the same

this second looooooooooooooong

that one quick

this one painful

that one dear

we try to capture

control

understand

command

demand

we are time’s masters

or so we think

but time

only exists

in our

imaginations

time is a flow

a river that carries us forward

onward

go go go

to us it’s fast

to time, it’s slow

Time has seen

dinosaurs

continents drifting

stars sifting

cosmos forming

decades and decades and decades of storming

time has seen stars from birth to death

time goes on

even if all the clocks stop

time goes on

even if there are no clocks

no clocks

no weekdays

no weekends

no months

days lengthen

and shorten

in spite of man

you can stop the clock

but you can’t stop time’s hand

time is vast and infinite too incredible to know

it flickers pink and blue and orange and gold with flecks of green and streaks of red orange every color every shade rainbows and hues and trembles and CHAOS and bubbles that float and Pop! and twirls that whirl and whirl and whirl and Stop.  then go and go and move and flow and green purple orange blue grey raspberry golden hues silver flecks black and white checks plaid and amber stripes and dots so much color and noise NOISe crashes and bashes and smashes and ting ting ting ring ring ring chimes and rhymes and

that is time.

that is time.

I have been resisting the idea of affirmations ever since I first head about them. But recently, I have being doing the gratitude practices from The Alison Show, and the practices inspired me to say things out loud, even when I’m walking through my neighborhood and someone looking out their window might think I’m crazy. I say things like:

• I love my life.
• I love my problems.
• I love my body.
• I love my mind.
• I love my mistakes.

And saying these things out loud really does make a difference. I feel centered and energized.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a writer, and I believe in the power and magic of writing things down. But I’m also a podcaster and I believe there is a different magic in saying things out loud.

A few days ago, I was writing in my journal and realized I was writing a string of affirmations. I copied the affirmations into a new document and now I have a daily affirmations practice.

Some time during the day, when I am alone and have a few moments to myself, I open the Affirmations document and read every affirmation out loud. No whispering. I speak in a full, confident voice. When I’m done, I feel as if I am extra-alive and ready for whatever challenges life decides to throw at me.

Affirmations are personal, but in case my affirmations inspire you, here there are:

1. I was born to write. I am a writer.
2. I write to be my best self.
3. I love my messy home.
4. I neglect the housework so that I have time to do the things I love.
5. I am thin, healthy and gorgeous.
6. I eat foods that nourish my body.
7. I am a loving flow of energy.
8. I invite abundance and wealth into my life. I welcome abundance.
9. I love my body.
10. I love moving my body.
11. I love my problems and obstacles.
12. I am effervescent, radiant and joyful.
13. I am living my authentic life.
14. I am a successful writer.
15. I am a bad ass at making money.
16. I love my life.
17. I am.
18. I am.
19. I am.
20. I am the consciousness that witnesses my monkey mind.
21. I am on a spiritual journey.
22. I am growing and learning every day.
23. I am glorious.
24. I am a wonderful mother.
25. I am radiant transcendent love.
26. I love my life.
27. I am happy no matter what happens.
28. My life is beautiful.
29. I am so grateful for my children, husband and family.
30. I am so grateful to be living the life I love.
31. I am so grateful for my body.
32. I am so grateful for my soul.
33. I am so grateful for my heart.
34. I love my problems and challenges.
35. i love my life
36. i love myself.
37. i love myself.
38. I love myself!

I’m sure these affirmations will change because hey, I’ve only been doing this for three days and every day, I tweak something a little. It’s a journey. But I’m excited to have another tool to help me feel like my best self.