Let’s Talk About Emotional Eating

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In 2018, I lost 45 pounds. I lost those pounds by (1) exercising more and (2) eating better.

On the exercise front: I focused on walking. My doctor recommended 40 minute walks, so that’s what I did, at least 5 times a week. In July 2018, I also started doing Classical Stretch, a stretching and strengthening program on PBS. This year, I’m upping my walking game. Since January 1, I’ve averaged 11,110 steps each day. My goal for 2019 is to average 10,000 steps/day so it’s exciting to be so far ahead of my goal. I’m also doing Classical Stretch 5-6 time each week.

On the food front: I’m eating fewer carbs and much less sugar. I need to start eating more veggies.

I’ve lost 45 pounds, which is great, but I would like to lose at least fifty more. In 2018, I was able to lose a lot of weight by walking more and eating less sugar and carbs. But for the next 50 pounds, I have to do something more.

I have to tackle emotional eating.

I’m exercising and most of the time, I eat well. But my weight loss has reached a major plateau. And I know why: because almost every afternoon, without fail, I start to mindlessly eat food that I don’t actually want. If I can address this problem, I know I’ll lose the next 50 pounds easily.

I have an appointment with my therapist in two weeks. In the meantime, I’m going to pay attention, stay curious, and keep a food journal. Whenever I feel the urge to eat, I’m going to slow down, take a deep breath, and ask myself why. Why do I want to eat?

Am I hungry?

Do I need to eat?

Do I actually want to eat?

What am I feeling?

What am I not feeling?

What am I avoiding?

Why why why why why?

I have done a lot of journaling about my emotional eating. But I think what I need to do is pay attention to the emotional eating while it is happening. It’s one thing to devour 500 calories of stale potato chips and then, 24 hours later, speculate in my journal why that happened. It’s another thing to address the compulsion to eat stale potato chips before I lose control and go into the darkness.

I’m not exaggerating. For me, mindless eating is a sort of darkness.

It’s not exactly comfortable for me to admit that I have issues that need addressing. I came so far when I had postpartum depression, but I still have work to do. I feel the little nagging shame demons burning, so I want to blog about this journey. When I’m open and shine a light on my issues, they stop feeling big and scary and start to feel tiny and completely manageable. Part of me knows that I can handle whatever I’m trying to hide with potato chips. But another part of me is terrified because I’m going to have to feel my feelings and despite all the work I have done, I am still not at peace with my feelings.

It’s time for me to embrace my feelings.

(Right now, just the prospect of embracing my feelings – including whatever icky ones are coming up at 4 p.m. – is giving me the emotional equivalent of a fire drill.)

I already have a food journal. I’m going to keep it on the kitchen island this week and get into the habit of journaling, even just a few sentences, before I eat. Every time. Sometimes, like when I’m having breakfast, I’ll write that I’m eating because I’m hungry and need food. No big revelations there. But other times, well… I’ll have to see what comes up.

There’s a monster inside me that likes to eat potato chips and cookies at 4 p.m. but something tells me, when I keep the food away, I’ll discover the monster is not nearly as monstrous as I’ve made it out to be.

I Can’t Put My Health On Hold

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To some extent, I have put my life on hold for my kids. I feel called to do two things – be a stay-at-home mom and write – and those two callings do not mesh easily. At least, not in my current phase of life.

I don’t want to bore you with the details of my schedule, but long story short, I don’t get nearly enough time to write. I am doing my best to get all the writing time I can, because when I write, I’m a better mom. But I also know that this phase of my life is temporary. Julian will spend more and more time at school, and in two and a half years, he’ll go to elementary school with Pippa. Even if I continue volunteering with school, I’ll still have an abundance of time to write and exercise.

I’m just not there yet. 

In the meantime, though, I can’t put my health on hold. I have to put my calling to be a writer on the back burner because I am also called to be a stay at home mom to my kids (a calling which I do not expect every mom to have!), but my health must still be become a priority.

I have let my health slide this past year. Well, that’s not quite right. I have actually gotten much healthier over the past year – I’ve lost 45 pounds, my cholesterol is down, and my thyroid is working better than ever. I saw my doctor today and she’s extremely happy with my progress.

But I want to make more progress, faster. I’m forty, and after all the hormonal chaos of pregnancy and childbirth, I want to be in the best shape possible for menopause. I can’t just wait until Julian is in kindergarten to take the time to do the things that will make me physically healthy. That’s over two years away and that’s too long to put my health on hold.  

So today, I made five appointments to see my doctor every week for sauna treatments. (I’m starting this program in mid-May. I’ll post more about it then!) I’ve known that as I lose weight, I also need to sweat more to eliminate toxins, but I have not taken the time to do that. Now I’m making my health a priority and finding the time.

I did not have to look far to find the time. I have spent a lot of time volunteering with Pippa’s kindergarten. It was great. I enjoyed getting to know Pippa’s teacher and classmates. I’m going to continue my behind-the-scenes work as room parent, but I’m dialing back my hours in the classroom and using that newfound time to take care of my physical health. I’m not going to hit the snooze button on my health anymore!

I’m also going to start seeing my therapist every three or four weeks. I want to work on various self-improvement projects and I know my therapist will help me make better and faster progress. For a long time, I’ve been in a place where I did not need or want a therapist. Now, I’m in a place where I want and need a therapist, so I’m making that happen. Again, that means I’m taking the time I used for kindergarten volunteering and moving it right back into the column for Courtney’s Mental Health.

Pippa is disappointed. She has asked me when I’m going to volunteer at kindergarten again. I explained that I need to do some things to take care of myself so I can be the best mommy possible for her. She seemed to understand this. 

I was going to try to get through the rest of kindergarten before tackling my health issues, but my recent brush with insomnia has prompted me to reconsider my priorities and bring my health back to the place where it belongs.

I have to believe that I am a Good Enough Mom and not sacrifice my personal health in order to satisfy some impossible inner standard about what I need to do to pass muster as a mother. That belief starts with action. By making the appointments and time for my health, I hope to stop feeling guilty whenever I take a little time for myself.

Adventures with Mirtazipane

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I know people who had epic on-again, off-again romances. (Mostly in college.) I never had one of those romances, but I do have mirtazipane.

I’ve blogged about mirtazipane before, but here’s my personal timeline:

  • I started taking mirtazipane in July 2013 when I was first diagnosed with postpartum depression. I took it at bedtime and it definitely helped me sleep. I wrote all about it in my memoir, Adventures with Postpartum Depression.
  • My first psychiatrist yanked me off mirtazipane and Zoloft in February 2015 when I learned I was pregnant with my second child.
  • When Julian was born in November 2015, I started taking Zoloft again. My new psychiatrist and I decided that I could wait on the mirtazipane.
  • Three months after Julian was born, I started experiencing increased anxiety and insomnia. I tried to tough it out then realized I was being a martyr for no good reason. I called my psychiatrist and we decided to (1) bump my dose of Zoloft from 100 mg to 150 and (2) put me back on 15 mg of mirtazipane at bedtime.
  • I took mirtazipane for a year or so and then my psychiatrist and I decided I was ready to wean off Zoloft and mirtazipane.
  • I weaned off mirtazipane and was off it for several months but then, early 2017, when I made some dietary changes (quitting sugar, reducing carbs), I noticed a surge in anxiety at bedtime. Along with the anxiety came insomnia.
  • I realized that I had been numbing some unaddressed anxiety with food, so I went back on mirtazipane for the rest of 2017. I did a lot of journaling to work through the anxiety and food issues.
  • About six or seven months ago, in Fall 2018, I started weaning off mirtazipane for the third time. By the end of 2018, I was sleeping beautifully sans mirtazipane and assumed I did not need the drug anymore.

Whew. So that brings us through December 2018 and what I thought was the end of my relationship with mirtazipane. Then the insomnia returned in mid-January 2019 but it took me about two months to realize I had insomnia. Let me recap:

  • First, my shoulder went out on January 13. I remember this because it was the day after I turned 40 and felt like a cosmic joke. Around that time, I started having trouble getting enough sleep. I blamed my sleep issues on my shoulder pain.
  • Then, I had a cold. I took Tylenol PM and Nyquil and got enough sleep.
  • Shoulder pain continued so when the cold was over, I blamed the shoulder again.
  • Shoulder pain was brought under control, but I was still having trouble getting enough sleep. I would fall asleep easily enough but wake up and stay awake for hours and hours. Some nights, I’d be up from 2-5 a.m. Some nights, I was just up until it was time to start my day.
  • I decided I needed to wean off caffeine. I always sleep better when I’m off caffeine.
  • Another cold. More Nyquil.
  • Finally, by mid-March 2019 I was fully off caffeine.
  • But still, I was not getting enough sleep.

That’s when I took a deep breath and realized I needed to go back on mirtazipane. Which I did, and hot damn, I have been sleeping beautifully ever since. I’m only taking 7.5 mg, and that amount seems to work for me.

I did have a hiccup this past week. I’ve been off sugar since the beginning of 2019, but in honor of Pippa’s birthday party, I had a slice of red velvet cake and a scoop of ice cream. Then I slipped and started having chocolate every day. After about four days of this, I had a shitty night’s sleep. I slept six hours, woke up, and couldn’t get back to sleep. So later that day, when I had a tiny headache, I decided I “deserved” all the caffeine. Which I drank. And big shocker, I had another shitty night’s sleep. So the next day, I had even more caffeine to compensate. And total big shocker, I had a third consecutive night of shit sleep.

Yesterday, after three nights of crap sleep, I shunned caffeine and sugar, and lo and behold, last night I slept beautifully. I woke up to pee at some point during the night, but I got back to sleep within ten minutes. Bliss!

This is what I have deduced:

  • I can splurge on sugar every now and then and still sleep fine. But if I eat sugar every day for several consecutive days, I will sleep like shit. (Fruit does not do this to me. I’m talking about refined sugar.)
  • I can drink iced decaf coffee and still sleep beautifully, but I need to keep away from regular coffee and soda.
  • I still need to take a small doze of mirtazipane at bedtime.

This leaves me with lots of questions:

  • Why do I need mirtazipane to sleep?
  • Is there some sort of PTSD lingering from the intense insomnia I experienced when I had postpartum depression?
  • Or is there some other anxiety that I need to unravel?
  • Or is this sleep issue related to some other health issue? I’ve been a light sleeper ever since adolescence. Is something going on?
  • Are there additional dietary changes I can make to sleep better? I’ve quit sugar and caffeine, but what else can I quit? Or alter? Or add?

I don’t expect fast answers to these questions, but I want to pay attention, stay curious and figure this out. To that end:

  • I’m seeing my doctor on Thursday morning to talk about my overall health.
  • Then I’m seeing my psychiatrist on Thursday afternoon.
  • I’ve emailed my therapist to set up an appointment. It’s been almost two years since I ended weekly therapy but now, I’d like to see my therapist every three or four weeks.
  • I am planning on seeing a specialist to take about my thyroid. But this post is ridiculously long, so I’ll write more about that later. I need to read more about thyroid issues but sometimes, the thyroid can cause anxiety and insomnia. I am already taking a prescription for my thyroid, so I’ll be chatting with my doctor about that on Thursday.
  • And I’m going to keep journaling because journaling helps me figure things out.

At the end of the day, I may just need to keep taking mirtazipane for the foreseeable future, and that’s okay. That’s better than okay. Sleep is the foundation of my health – physical, mental, intellectual and spiritual – and I’m not going to let any stigma about anti-depressants keep me from the sleep I need.

The Art of Potty Training: A Spiritual Practice for Frustrated Parents

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That’s the title of the book I need to read, right now, but I don’t think it’s been written. Damnit. Maybe I should start writing it now while I’m in the potty training trenches with Julian?

(Except as much as potty training is my story, it’s also Julian’s story, and I don’t want to publish a book that is literally about his poop, pee and penis.)

I have resented potty training and kept wishing that Julian was one of those children who magically trained himself. Yet the difficulties are actually good. I am learning so much during this poop-ridden adventure. For example:

  • There is no single right way to potty train. Just as there is no single right way to parent. (How many more times will I have to learn this lesson. Approximately one thousand billion more times.)
  • You have to do what works for you child. Not what works for your friend’s child; or what worked for your parents when you were a child; or what worked for the child you read about on social media. This journey is about your child and what your child needs.
  • Shit happens and life goes on. Even when there’s poop in underpants.
  • Sometimes you have to regress before you can make progress.
  • It’s a big change and however your child feels about this particular change, they are entitled to those feelings.

Until recently, we were under a deadline. Julian was due to move to upper school at his preschool for camp, so he needed to be potty trained by early June. We have been making slooooow progress on the potty training front, but I was concerned we would not be in poop-free undies by June.

Then Julian’s preschool had a minor problem with asbestos, and the school has closed under summer’s end to make necessary repairs. For most parents, this is a big problem. I am completely sympathetic. But for me, the “catastrophe” of asbestos has actually been a blessing. We don’t have to rush and fight about potty training every day! We can relax. Instead of two months to potty train, we now have five. I know potty training will be conquered by Labor Day.

Of course, now that our potty training deadline has been extended, Julian will probably flip a switch and be ready for undies next week. But such is life. Sometimes, you just need a fresh perspective to make big changes happen.

Some Thoughts on 21 Days of Decluttering

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Over the past few weeks, I’ve been blogging about my Declutter 10 project. Every day, I send ten items to the trash or donation pile. I wanted to see just how many days I could declutter.

21. I made it 21 days!

That’s 210 items that I either trashed (random bits of velcro, broken toys, disintegrating shoes) or donated (books, toys in good condition, clothes my kids had outgrown). And actually, the number is quite higher because I often exceeded the daily quota.

Yesterday would have been Day 22 of the Declutter 10 Project, but I took a Spa Morning. Then I took Pippa out to sell Girl Scout cookies at a booth with her troop. Then I went home and snuggled Julian. I completely forgot about decluttering until 9:10 p.m. For a panicked moment, I considered finding 10 books to donate to Goodwill but I realized the Declutter 10 Project had accomplished its original project. I started the project because I was feeling utterly hopeless about every getting a handle on our cluttered home. After 21 days of decluttering, I am out of that rut and confident that I will conquer our mess even if I miss an occasional day of decluttering.

I have a long way to go on my decluttering journey, but we are already reaping the benefits from my work. Our kitchen table, which is also our art and homework table, has been cleared. The excess art supplies are back in their designated spots. The table is now empty except for the crayons, a small bowl with a few essential crafting supplies (glue, tape, pencil sharpeners), and some paper. There’s also Pippa’s “sight word box” (because if I put it away, I forget we need to practice) and a book that I read during odd moments. This sounds like a lot, but it’s a big table, and everything is tidily organized in the middle no man’s land that would otherwise be empty. (Or, I suppose, be decorated with flowers and candle sticks if I was living a different sort of life.)

This morning, the freshly cleared kitchen table got lots of action. I had space to eat my scrambled eggs and read a book. Nathan and Pippa had space to play a board game. And then, when Pippa wanted to make collages, we had space for magazines, ink pads and stamps. Right now, the table is tidied up and waiting for the next meal, game or art project. We have space to live our lives!

My goal is to finish decluttering our home by the end of spring. Sooner would be nicer, but I’m learning a lot from the process. (Today, as I was decluttering books, I started thinking about mortality. But that’s another blog post!)

In the meantime, I intend to keep decluttering as much as I can every day to maintain my momentum. And I cannot wait for a sunny forecast! I have a lot of big ticket items that need to go to the curb, but since it has been rainy every few days, I have to be patient and wait.

The Trouble With Zoloft

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I started taking Zoloft in late July 2013 when I was first diagnosed with postpartum depression. It was a life saver. Four months postpartum, I was in a deep pit of despair. I needed Zoloft to give me my physiology a jumpstart so that I could build some momentum and claw my way out of depression.

I kept taking Zoloft until February 2015 when I learned I was pregnant with my son Julian. My psychiatrist at the time decided I should be on a different medication during pregnancy. (I have since read Pregnant on Prozac and feel like it would have been better to keep me on Zoloft during pregnancy but that’s not what I’m writing about today.) So I stayed off Zoloft during pregnancy but started taking it again about three days after giving birth to Julian in early November 2015.

I stayed on Zoloft for about a year and then started my long journey of weaning off Zoloft. Man, that was an adventure. It took about a year. I have now been officially off Zoloft for not quite fourteen months. Woot woot!

And man, I have learned a lot about myself since getting off Zoloft.

My first menstrual cycle after weaning off Zoloft was awful. I felt deranged. My mood swings were intense, my insomnia was intense. Apparently Zoloft had been keeping my PMS in check.

And before Zoloft? Before I had kids? Honestly, I don’t remember. Maybe I had bad PMS but it wasn’t an issue because I could give myself all the love and attention I needed. I could sleep in, exercise more, get a massage… Or maybe I’ve just gotten older and my body is now more deeply affected by my hormonal fluctuations. I don’t know. But I do know this: off Zoloft, my PMS was brutal.

That prompted me to get curious and pay attention to the way I was living my life. If I needed to take Zoloft to manage my PMS: okay. But if I could make other changes, stay off Zoloft, and still manage my PMS: better. Much, much better. I don’t want to take medications unless I actually need to take the medications.

Over the past year, I have been experimenting with my diet. Through trial and error, I learned that if I eat refined sugar, I experienced wicked PMS; if I abstain from cookies and ice cream, my PMS is minimal. I might get a little grumpy and feel a blip of PMS, but it’s completely manageable.

Giving up refined sugar has helped me lose weight. And I’m not talking about a few pounds here, folks. Since January 2018, I’m down 43 pounds! I have 57 more to lose, but let’s focus on the positive: I’m down 43 pounds! That’s a ton of weight. That’s a major improvement in my health. I have been struggling to lose weight for years. I thought I just needed better will power or the right diet, but actually, I needed to experience the pain of vile PMS.

So that brings me to the trouble with Zoloft. Zoloft gave me the boost I needed to start my recovery from postpartum depression. It kept me out of the darkness of a second round of depression when I had my second baby. But Zoloft also smoothed away the PMS; so I did not feel forced to examine my life; and I did not realize the connection between sugar and my moods.

Zoloft did so many good, amazing things for me. It literally saved my life. But in saving my life, it also made my life easier. I did not have to think about increasing my exercise or changing my diet because hey, Zoloft made everything feel okay.

I’m glad Zoloft was there to yank me out of depression, but now I’m grateful to be living Zoloft-free. I experience all my feelings and mood swings, and my feelings and mood swings have prompted me to make some of the most dramatic changes to my lifestyle.

Zoloft saved my life. But getting off Zoloft has helped me live the best life I possibly can.

Declutter 10: Days 11-15

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It continues to astonish me just how much STUFF we have. One of these days, I may crack and purge 100 things at once; but I do think the Declutter 10 pace is working well for me. Maybe the Declutter 10 is helping me build towards a bigger day? But in the meantime, here’s what I decluttered:

Day 11: I attacked the children’s collection of activity books. We have amassed quite the collection. I decided to get rid of 19 workbooks, sticker books, and coloring books. Some of these were mostly used up and went to the trash. The rest were still in good condition. They just did not capture my kids’ imagination, so I passed them on to our babysitter.

Day 12: Ten books from my collection. Some I had read. Some I have never read and honestly, will probably never read, and their presence was making me feel guilty. Off to Goodwill!

Day 13: I turned my sights on the fridge door. I have a magnetized clipboard that keeps me organized with daily laminated checklists, but the clipboard was getting cluttered with school flyers. I purged the old flyers. Then I got rid of expired coupons and old artwork that was lurking all over the fridge plus several magnets that had arrived in the mail from plumbers and realtors. In all, I probably tossed 15 things. The fridge is the sort of household zone that will require regular decluttering. I can already tell that when I have finished the Declutter 10 Project, I will need to enter a Maintenance Phase and regularly attack the parts of our house that are clutter magnets.

Day 14: Bit of a hodge podge day.

  • One random yellow shoelace – trash!
  • Two old pieces of cardboard that were part of the packaging for hair bands. Pippa was organizing the hair drawer so I saw an opportunity to create more space.
  • A random blue circle made from a flexible sticky material, purpose unknown, origin unknown, found in hair drawer.
  • A half piece of Velcro in the hair drawer?? Decluttering is hilarious.
  • And then, I did not expect this to happen, but Pippa agreed to give away NINE stuffed animals. I asked Pippa if there were any stuffed animals that were maybe a bit babyish. This made her look at her enormous collection a bit differently and she got excited to thin the herd. I felt a little emotional when she picked a stuffed blue and yellow monkey that Nathan bought when I was pregnant with her, but Nathan pointed out that the monkey was falling apart and he did not mind if Pippa sent it to the trash. When I put the stuffed animal in the trash bin, I felt a big surge of relief.

Day 15: Ten picture books that are either babyish or just not part of our regular rotation. I have a feeling that I’m going to be getting rid of at least a few (dozen) more picture books!

Mistakes Were Made. Motherhood Lessons Were Learned.

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I have been up since 3 a.m. and am utterly and completely exhausted. I should probably not be trying to write a coherent blog post. But when have I ever actually been coherent? So here goes.

Yesterday, I was a chaperone for the kindergarten field trip. It was the first time the stars aligned and the field trip happened on a day that I could leave Julian with a babysitter. Pippa was ecstatic. We have been talking about the field trip for weeks. We were going to have fun! So much fun! Hooray for mother-daughter bonding!

OMG it was awful.

Yesterday was school picture day. Because why just go on a field trip when you can combine a field trip with picture day, right? I let Pippa pick her outfit and hairstyle and then decided that the grey background would go best with her pink patterned dress. As the kids lined up to go to the auditorium for photos, I gave Pippa the slip with the background choice. She took a look. She saw what I had picked.

This is when all hell broke loose.

The lady protested. She did not want a boring grey background. She wanted the colorful background with little doodles and words and lots and lots of colors!

I said no. She started to cry. And then I made it personal and turned the question of the photo background into a power struggle. SHE WAS GOING TO LISTEN TO MY DECISION. Why did she have to be so difficult? Why couldn’t she let me pick her background? None of the other kids gave two shits about their photo background. Woe is me!

Pippa kept crying. My emotions escalated. I decided that she had to obey me in this decision, or how could I ever expect her to obey curfew? Or listen to me when I told her to avoid heroin and unprotected sex? I felt scales growing over my heart. My skin was getting hot and all my shame buttons were pushed. I felt like the other parents were judging me. Most of all, I wanted to WIN.

By the time we got to the auditorium, Pippa was having a full meltdown. I tried hugging her but I wasn’t in a very loving spot, so I don’t think my hug was comforting. Eventually, though, I “won,” and she took her photo with the grey background. But poor girl was miserable, so I don’t think I’ll be ordering a photo package this time.

By the time we got back to the kindergarten classroom, I was exhausted. I needed to step back and process what had happened. Maybe take a long walk, do some journaling, meditate… Except now it was time for the field trip.

Yay!

I’m going to spare you the blow by blow of the field trip. Suffice to say: it was sensory overload. Noisy kids on a school bus. A crowded bathroom with an overflowing toilet. Kids who would not listen to their adult chaperones. Good times.

But despite the discomforts of the field trip, by the time we got back to school, Pippa and I were good. Better than good. I took her to get ice cream and I apologized for being such an ass about the photo background. (Though not in those exact words!) I explained that I had thought about it and realized she is an artist and has strong opinions about things like photo backgrounds; that I know she is a good listener and is very good at being flexible when it’s important to her health and safety; but hey, a photo background is not about health and safety; so next time, I’ll let her decide.

Overall, I think this misadventure was a good experience. It made us closer and I feel like I have learned – and am still internalizing – an important lesson about being Pippa’s mom. She is a very visually oriented person with a lot of artistic and stylistic opinions. She has been this way since before she was two, when she started thrashing the moment I tried to dress her in an outfit that was not entirely pink. I am still learning how to be the mother she needs. But now I know that I need to let her have her way on these stylistic issues because they are important to her and don’t interfere with her well-being. I can let something like a photo background go. Deep breath! I am happy with all that I learned yesterday.

But damn, I’m tired today.

I learned that kindergarten field trips are exhausting. We had a play date scheduled for today that I cancelled. I can’t do play dates after field trips! Lesson learned.

And I learned that when I experience sensory overload, my body is going to make sure I get the rest I did. That’s why I was awake at 3 a.m. and could not get back to sleep. I think my body and subconscious conspired to make sure that today I had a Mellow AF day.

So that’s what I’m doing. I’m exhausted but grateful anyway for the lessons I learned yesterday. Motherhood is helping me become a better person.

I’m not suffering.

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I have dieted many, many times in many, many different ways. All of those times, I suffered. I drank shakes, counted points, ate prepackaged meals, met with nutritionists, forced myself to follow various regimens, and above all, I suffered. Yes, I lost weight on those diets, but I also felt deprived and hungry. I ached for the forbidden foods. I could not wait to be done with the diet so I could go back to my old ways.

This time, though, I am not dieting. I have made drastic changes to the foods I eat: no refined sugar in 2019; no wheat or dairy for the foreseeable future. But I have made those changes not because an expert told me to but because that is what I want.

I have lost over forty pounds, and I did not suffer over a single one of those pounds. I lost every one of those pounds because I was doing the things I wanted to do.

(I feel like I need to blog about my weight loss adventures to sort out the ideas in my head. I know it’s important to understand what I’m doing to make these changes on a permanent mind-soul-body level. But I have so much to say, that it’s infuriating to try to distill it in a single blog post. Still, my intuition says I need to slowly spin out my thoughts over blog posts and maybe eventually, I’ll know what I need to say in a book. In the meantime, I wish I could transfer everything I have learned into your mind, but I guess that’s the point. We are supposed to go on our own personal journeys and figure things out in our own way. I can share what I have learned, but I can’t get in your head and reset all your neural pathways. You have to do that for yourself.)

(Sorry. I’m rambling.)

(I love rambling!)

As I was saying: I have not suffered over the past forty pounds and I do not anticipate any suffering over the next sixty.

Why? Pain and pleasure.

I was starting to figure this out on my own last year when I eliminated refined sugar from my diet for one hour and managed to extend that hour again and again until I was sugar-free for nearly three months. I experienced the best menstrual cycles of my life. I realized that sugar was causing me the pain of awful PMS; and that living without sugar was giving me the pleasure of easy menstrual cycles. When I let myself eat sugar over the Christmas holidays, I experienced vile, miserable PMS and this cemented my new neural pathway: refined sugar = Painful PMS; no refined sugar = Pleasant Menstrual Cycles.

That’s why I decided to abstain from refined sugar for 2019. I wanted to give myself the gift of a year without PMS. I want to see just how healthy I can feel if I let my body truly reboot and rebuild without refined sugar.

Then I started reading Tony Robbins’ Awaken the Giant Within. Robbins writes a lot about pain and pleasure. Humans are motivated to do things that increase pleasure and avoid things that cause pain. We are that simple. If we associate food with pleasure, then we are going to eat food, even if we eat too much and gain weight. But if we associate pain with overeating and pleasure with eating moderate amounts of healthy foods, then we can lose weight.

I’m not even halfway through Awaken the Giant Within. It’s a hefty tome (over 500 pages!). But the points that Robbins makes about pain vs. pleasure have really resonated with me and my recent experiences with refined sugar.

I think this is why I have enjoyed losing the past forty pounds. I have learned to associate weight loss with the immense pleasure of good health. Something has changed within me. I used to look at a cookie or carton of ice cream and anticipate enormous pleasure. Now, I see those same desserts and just think about pain and terrible PMS. I don’t want to experience insomnia or violent mood swings at the end of my menstrual cycle, so I now recoil when I encounter sweets.

The same thing is happening with exercise. I am walking and stretching every day. I am spending more time exercising than I ever have in my entire life. Why? Because I have associated exercise and stretching with so many pleasurable things: weight loss; better moods; and more vibrant energy. In the past, I thought that any time I spent exercising was time stolen from writing. This caused me pain. Now, I see how my creativity is enhanced by exercise. I have also associated exercise with the absence of pain. I used to think that exercise caused pain, but now I see that the more I walk and stretch, the better my muscles feel.

I am exercising more and eating better than I ever have in my entire life, and it feels easy because I associate these new habits with enormous pleasure. I am loving my life. I am not suffering.

Declutter 10: Days 6-10

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Incredible. I’ve been doing this project for ten days, which means I have decluttered ONE HUNDRED different things, and still, I have a loooong way to go. At least, it feels that way. Maybe I’ll declutter for another week and discover I’m done. Sometimes I overestimate how long a job is going to take me to finish. But looking around my house, and garage, and basement, I have a feeling this project will carry me through February. At least.

But I don’t feel demoralized. On the contrary. I feel motivated! I’m making progress and building momentum. Instead of feeling as if I’ll never make a dent in all our clutter, I know I can reclaim our home, day by day, ten items at a time.

I really appreciate all the things I learned from Marie Kondo’s book (I still haven’t watched her Netflix show), but in a backwards way, her book paralyzed me. She recommended decluttering all at once. I took this suggestion too seriously. Since I couldn’t find an entire weekend to declutter my entire home, I just didn’t declutter.

So the clutter grew and grew and grew, but with a kindergartener and preschooler, I never have the time to declutter the entire house in one go. I could declutter a closet while Julian is at preschool, but then I wouldn’t have the time to exercise and write, and I really need to exercise and write to feel like myself.

I forgot my personal rule when it comes to self-help books: self-help books can inspire me, but no book gets to dictate how I live my life. I take what works for me and leave the rest, because I’m the only person who understands my life, my experiences and my circumstances. Not even the most inspired guru in the history of humanity can predict what will work for me. I have to figure that out for myself.

So that’s what I’m doing now with my Declutter 10 Project. Figuring out what works for me during this current stage of my life. And without further ado, here is what I have purged from the Novak household:

Day 6 of Decluttering:

  • An Elastigirl costume that Pippa convinced me to buy for Halloween. I fully intended to wear it but then Julian lost his shit when he saw mama getting into a costume. He thought I was going to stop being mama! It’s a plus size costume and I don’t intend to be a plus size come Halloween 2019. By sending the plus size costume to Goodwill, I’m giving myself a major vote of confidence. (I guess I could still wear the costume now, but I don’t make a habit of dressing up as a Disney super hero while running errands.)
  • A bunch of clothes that Julian outgrew: two tank tops; nine t-shirts; two pairs of shorts; and one pair of black leggings. This put me over the Declutter 10 daily quota but since I was hunting through Julian’s chest of drawers, it was easier to just finish going through the drawers in one go. I created the Declutter 10 Project to help me declutter. I’m certainly not going to adhere to its “rules” religiously if that sort of zealotry would undermine my decluttering efforts.

Day 7 of Decluttering:

  • A poncho that I bought a few years again because I thought it would help me take walks in the rain. It didn’t. The hood dripped water in my arms and the arms were awkward so I couldn’t listen to my iPhone. Still, I kept the damn thing because maybe I would use it eventually. Well, it has been raining A LOT in Pasadena and I have not felt the slightest inclination to use my poncho. I’d rather use an umbrella and wear my fleece. I think it’s safe to say that it’s time to let someone else have a crack at my poncho.
  • Two girl-sized belts, one brown and one white. Pippa begged me for a 3-pack of belts that she spotted at Target when we were shopping for her kindergarten school clothes. She really just wanted the pink belt. Pippa herself told me I could give the other two belts away. Proud mama!
  • Guess Who, the board game. This game is one of my favorites, but we could not get the new 2018 version to work. The cards would not fit in the damn slots. But I kept it? Because I thought the board game fairies would come and fix it?
  • A dress up wedding gown that Pippa never wears because she thinks its itchy.
  • A too-small Julian sweatshirt.
  • Some of Pippa’s old clothes: a summer dress, rain boots, an Easter dress, a pink tutu, and a purple sundress. Sometimes, I hold on to these things not because I think my kids will shrink and fit into them again, but because I want to give them to my brother’s daughters. Except whenever they visit, I forget to bring out the old clothes. So then the stockpile grows. And my guilt over the clutter. So fuck it. The clothes can go to Goodwill.
  • The pumpkin costume my children both wore for their first and second Halloweens. I love that pumpkin costume, and I smile whenever I see photos of my babies dressed up like a pumpkin. But I don’t need the costume as some keepsake taking up space in the back of a closet. The photos are enough.

Day 8 of Decluttering – A bunch of stuff that my mom convinced me to take a couple of months ago when she was decluttering. She thought my kids would like the old clothes for dress up. But my kids actually like to play dress-up with costumes that are their size. Or, if they want to try grownup clothes, they raid the master bedroom closet and try the clothes that mom and dad wear in real life. But I kept the hand-offs from my mom for a couple of months because what if my kids changed their minds and suddenly wanted a hoard of old adult clothes for dress up? Well, I don’t want to live with that sort of fear mentality. I live in a major city. If my kids suddenly adopt new dress up habits, I can raid a thrift store and get tons of clothes for cheap. In the meantime, I don’t need to trip over a trash bag of rejected clothes every time I get Julian’s pajamas. I let these specific items go:

  • a dress I wore in the 6th grade to an aunt’s wedding
  • another fancy dress that I wore as a kid
  • an embroidered shawl
  • several fancy dresses that belonged to my sister
  • a random belt
  • someone’s childhood plaid dress
  • my high school graduation dress (it’s white and shiny and I vaguely remember keeping it in case I wanted to dye it someday for a Halloween party. I haven’t dyed it in 22 years. Yeah. It’s never getting dyed.)

Day 9 of Decluttering:

  • Two little Halloween ghosts that get bigger when you put them in water. We put the tiny ghosts in water. And they did indeed get bigger. And then they just floated around in a glass on the counter for two months because the texture was slimy and gross and what else could we do with them? Oh, hey, I know: let’s put them in the trash because Halloween is over.
  • A Hello Kitty clock that makes an annoying ticking sound. I asked Pippa if she wants it in her room. She looked at me like I’m crazy.
  • A shoe box. Because I keep shoe boxes in case I need them for storage. But I have little people. And my little people are constantly growing. They need new shoes YESTERDAY TODAY AND EVERY TOMORROW. I don’t need to hoard shoe boxes. There’s always a new one coming into the house.
  • An empty plastic container that came with baby wipes. Again, I kept it because it could be used for storage. But it wasn’t. Hello, recycling bin!
  • An old Tupperware piece. See prior two items.
  • An orange metal flower pot that came with a grocery store plant. I liked the plant but never liked the pot. Why do I punish myself by keeping these things?
  • Some of Pippa’s old camp craft projects from last summer, like a corn husk doll. She’ll be back at camp again this summer, doing all the art projects she can. I can’t keep every project she keeps. Or we’d be buried alive.
  • Stale Halloween candy.
  • And about twenty little Halloween knick knacks like pencils and erasers and stickers which we will count as the final two entries for the Declutter 10. Because it’s my project, so I get to make these sort of declarations.

Day 10 of Decluttering (whew, I highly doubt anyone is reading this, but I enjoy writing it so there you go):

  • A bunch of Ralph’s receipts on the fridge. We have to submit $3000 of script to Julian’s preschool. (And if you don’t know what script is, consider yourself blessed.) We satisfy this obligation with receipts from our grocery store. But woot woot, we have hit the mark already! So we can stop sticking the receipts beneath a fridge magnet.
  • A bag of clothes that I packed up before I started this project but then left on the bedroom floor because that’s so helpful. I moved it to the official Goodwill/babysitter pile. (The babysitter gets first crack and then I take the rest to Goodwill.)
  • Several pounds of old, dried up play dough. We made a new batch of homemade play dough and the old stuff was getting rank. (By “getting rank,” I mean that there is probably a chemical warfare unit that would be interested in the stuff.)
  • All sorts of play dough tools (at least 15) that the kids never use. This put me over the Declutter 10 goal, but since Julian was busy with our fresh batch of play dough, I was happy to clean out our play dough bin.

This is such an adventure. I’m losing weight and losing clutter in the house. The two projects definitely feel related. Maybe emotionally?