Today was much better than yesterday. Of course, that was a pretty low bar to clear, but hey-o, I did it!

Now that I am in a better headspace, today is feeling like a good time for a (wait for it…) 2020 Goals Checks! I previously wrote about my 2020 Goals in this January post. I like having goals, so for shits and giggles, let’s see how my 2020 goals are faring during the current Covid-19 Shit Storm.

1. Track My Values: I have not formally written about my values in my journal for several weeks. It’s a good exercise, so I’ll do that this week.
2. Limit Refined Sugar: [insert hysterical laughter] Yeah that’s not happening. I was letting myself have a little more sugar before we were sheltering at home, but now all bets are off. That said, I have been using the Noom app to help me lose weight, and I am logging everything I eat. (Except that one time a few days ago that I ate half a container of Nutella right before going to bed. I had no interest in logging “a disgusting amount of Nutella.” In my defense, I felt very sick after eating all that Nutella so I probably won’t do that again for at least two weeks.) So long story short, I am letting myself eat more refined sugar, but I am not going overboard.
3. Try 20 Paleo Recipes: Nope, still haven’t done this and now that I am using Noom, I don’t think I’ll be trying Paleo recipes anytime soon. But we are trying lots of new recipes in the Novak household these days because we have to get creative with our grocery store purchases. The selection in the meat department has been limited, so we are most definitely eating new things. (I’m looking at you, Taco-Seasoned Ground Turkey. You better be delicious.)
4. Soda Once A Week: (Take the hysterical laughter from Goal #2 and amplify that by a power of 100.) I am drinking. All. The Goddamn. Soda. And if you try to take my Diet Coke from me while I am living through a fucking pandemic, I will go all honey badger on you and have zero regrets.
5. Hot Yoga 100 Times: This remains to be seen. I was doing so well! But the Hot Yoga studio I attend is closed (as are all the exercise studios in California), so this goal will depend upon (a) when Hot Yoga is safe to do and (b) when my kids go back to school so (c) who the eff knows?
6. 11,000 Steps/Day: Ha! This is one goal that shelter-at-home is actually helping! I was only averaging 10,359/steps in my January post but now I am averaging 10,944/steps each day. Thank God we are still allowed to take walks.
7. Meditate 250 times: I’m not going to take the time to count how many times I have meditated, but I am definitely on track here. I start every morning with the Calm meditation app and so long as there is a PANDEMIC, I will be meditating my ass off.
8. Read 100 Books: I’ve already read 33 books in 2020, which according to Goodreads, puts me 11 books ahead of schedule. Interestingly, I have not been reading as much the past week because I need to watch Schitt’s Creek. Some people drink booze. I need to laugh.
9. Declutter the House: Covid-19 is definitely pushing this goal forward. I can’t spend this much time in my house and not clean up the messes. Otherwise I’d have to play make believe with my kids and that shit is just not happening.
10. 50 Blog Posts: This goal was languishing until the pandemic shit all over my mental health. Now I have discovered that blogging centers me and keeps me feeling okay (“feeling terrific” left the realm of possibility when my kids’ schools shut down). I may hit 50 posts before this shit storm is over. Oh god, I hope not.
11. Finish Rough Draft of Fantasy Novel by July 31: I might actually pull this off.
12. Knit Three Sweaters: I really just want to keep crafting but now is a damn good time to work through my yarn stash. Assuming I have the right yarn to make a sweater??
13. Do My Enneagram by March 31: I need to rename this goal “learn about the enneagram.” I have indeed read about the enneagram, and I think I know my type. I need to write more about this in another post but suffice to say, I am a bit obsessed with the enneagram and eager to learn more. This goal gets a big fat ACCOMPLISHED!
14. Try Reiki: When the pandemic is over. I don’t think Reiki works with social distancing. I’m sure there are folks willing to do Reiki over video conference but I want the full experience.
15. 20 Creative Bug Classes: I still want to do this and now is the time. Pippa and I have been doing the Mo Willem’s art lessons on YouTube (the man is a national treasure), and I think we’d enjoy doing these classes together as well.
16. Daily French on Duolingo: Yup. Love this app. Love learning French. I should write something in French now to show off but I’m feeling too lazy to do that. Okay, fine, I’ll write something: cheval. Happy?
17. Learn World Geography: I am still playing with the same app to learn geography and I now know where places like Yemen and Suriname are.
18. Learn Human Anatomy: Eventually.
19. Memorize Periodic Table of Elements: Who am I kidding?
20. Memorize U.S. Presidents: I’m making progress here.
21. Photo Albums: Pandemic seems like a good time to finish my backlog of Shutterfly photo albums, eh? I actually worked on the 2019 album today while Pippa did her math. (Don’t get excited. I’m starting with 2019 and then I need to work backwards in time and tackle the 2018, 2017, and 2016 albums.)
22. Promote My Memoir: Pandemic does NOT seem like a good time to promote a memoir about anxiety, depression, and OCD, eh? Folks, do not read my book right now! It’s about mental illness! Read something light and hilarious and save my memoir for post-pandemic, thank you very much.
23. Visit 20 New To Me Places: Pandemic has completely fucked this goal in the ass. Thanks, Covid-19!
24. Listen to 20 New to Me Podcasts: On the other hand, the pandemic definitely has me listening to more podcasts.

Whew. That was cathartic but exhausting. Thank goodness Nathan is making dinner tonight.

I want to write something thoughtful and meaningful, but all I can think is: Blerg blerg blerg.

Also: this sucks.

And: what the fucking fuck?

I am trying to find some balance. Pre-Covid-19 Shit Storm Extraordinaire, I scoffed at that word. Balance? There’s no such thing! Balance is just the word that the patriarchy uses to keep women frantically running about, trying to juggle a career, kids, and dynamite sex life while also having several Pinterest-worthy hobbies and amazing hair.

But now, as I keep trying to adjust to these Strange AF Times, I find the word “balance” creeping into my mental lexicon. But I’m not preoccupied with work/life balance. I am trying to find the balance between “having an upbeat mindset” and “letting my shitty feelings run loose.” And so far, I have no idea what the balance between Feelings and Mindset looks like for me during a fucking pandemic.

(But I do know this: when I am sheltering at home, it does help to do All the Swearing. I can’t do this in front of the kids, so I find myself swearing right here, in conversations with Nathan, and also during my telephone calls with my 94 year old grandma who, god bless, laughs whenever I drop an F-bomb.)

For nearly seven years, ever since I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, I have been working to become a healthier, happier person. (I don’t mean to shit over my pre-PPD self. I love that lady! But I was anxious and not living my most authentic life.) During all my work, I have learned a couple of big things:

1. I have to feel my feelings, even (and especially) the feelings that feel crappy. I have to honor my feelings and listen to their messages and lessons. Otherwise, my feelings get buried and loiter in my subconscious where they fester and turn toxic and malignant; and then I eat all the food; feel gross; eat more food; feel lonely, isolated, etc.; until I finally wave the white flag and feel the feelings (at therapy or while writing in my journal) and then hallelujah, I can move on. Long story short: I might as well feel the feelings as they happen. It’s less fattening.
2. There are a lot of uncertainties in life. I can’t control the weather, or the asshole who cuts me off on the freeway, or the crowds at Target, and I sure as hell cannot control the ongoing pandemic. The only thing I can control is my mindset. My mindset is not something I can describe in a single blog post, but I feel like my best self when I remember: surrender to the flow of life; the obstacle is the way; and life is my ashram.

Pre-pandemic, I was getting pretty good at feeling my feelings while keeping a mindset that embraced the abundance of magic, love and divinity in the world. I could experience my less-than-jolly feelings without getting sucked into a blackhole of despair. In fact, I rather enjoyed experiencing my crap feelings because afterwards, I felt lighter and happier.

But right now? Holy shit, I just don’t know.

Yesterday I felt pretty good. The day before yesterday I also felt pretty good and, dare I say it, a little zen. But today I feel like breaking a bunch of shit and screaming obscenities and then eating all the chocolate in Pasadena. In other words, my feelings (fuck! shit! piss! and corruption!) are completely at war with my thoughts (chill, baby, chill; this is not so bad compared to World War II, am I right?)

Honestly, I want to let my thoughts take over. My thoughts are pretty upbeat and charming. But if I let my mindset take charge, then my feelings will get denied, and I might eat all the Girl Scout cookies (and we have a lot of Girl Scout cookies).

I suppose I have to get comfortable with not knowing how the hell I am supposed to do this whole shelter-at-home shit show. Also, having felt like brittle and prickly for several hours today, I’ll probably feel like sunshine tomorrow morning.

And I know I am not alone in this. Everyone in California is sheltering at home. (Or, at least that’s what they are supposed to be doing!) Plenty of other states have issued shelter at home orders. Then there’s Italy and China. So many millions and millions and millions of people are affected by Covid-19, and all of us are having feelings. We are dealing (or not dealing) with those feelings in different ways, but as humans, we are all most certainly having an emotional experience alongside the pandemic.

Wow. Having written that, I actually feel a bit better. I am not alone, and once I have let the latest batch of shitty feelings run their course, I’ll be able to feel a little less peeved and I might even get excited about tomorrow’s Pinterest projects.

Spoiler alert: I’m thinking homemade playdough.

A couple of days ago, I blogged about the schedule that worked for us on Day 4 (I think? time is getting hazy) of social distancing.

Well, shocking news, but that schedule did not work for us yesterday and it sure as hell is not working for us today.

This truly is a day-by-day experience. More than ever, my kids need me and I need to take care of myself. For us, this means I have to be flexible, that I have to be flexible. When my kids are busy playing or watching t.v., I grab the opportunity to meet my self-care needs. But when they need me, I focus my attention on them and give them the love they need to get through these Strange AF Times.

Pre-pandemic, weekday schedules kept us sane. But right now, we need flexibility. I’m sure lots of people need their routines and schedules. And if that is what works for you, then please, keep those routines and schedules going. We are just doing what works for us, one day at a time. For all I know, as I embrace flexibility today, a schedule that actually works might emerge on Monday. Who the bleep knows?

But all that said, some basic routines are keeping us sane. Getting dressed, brushing teeth, remembering to eat at the usual time – those routines give our days a helpful rhythm. I just can’t force my kids to take nature walks at a certain time every day, or do art at a designated hour, or do any of the things I imagine should be happening at the hour that seems ideal. In fact, I really have to release the word “should” as much as possible. I keep thinking that we “should” do math or we “should” practice writing, but really, those things can go on the back burner as we navigate these surreal days.

New math will be waiting for us on the other side of the pandemic.

These are strange waters that we are navigating, and my daily routines have been ripped away. I am still figuring out what does and does not work in this new school-less world. After a few days of experimentation, this is what worked today:

• I woke up around 6:30 a.m. and did a meditation with the Calm App in bed. Then I practiced French on the Duolingo App. A little before 7 a.m., I emerged from my bedroom.
• I weighed myself. I have been doing the weight loss program with Noom and I am supposed to weigh myself every morning when I wake up. I like that I am keeping in touch with the way I eat and exercise because shit, I already gained enough weight last year when Julian’s preschool was closed from asbestos contamination.
• I did a half hour of journaling while Pippa watched Netflix. Usually, the kids are not allowed to watch t.v. in the morning. Well, we left “usually” on Friday when Pasadena announced school closures. So now we are doing what works, and I have discovered that I am a much better human if I can start my day with journaling. If that means the kids start their day with t.v., so be it.
• I got dressed and had a smoothie for breakfast.
• I took a walk! Since Nathan is working from home (his office is closed during all this craziness), I can still take my walk.
• Then I went to the grocery store. This is not my daily routine, but I wanted to get produce today.
• After the grocery store, at about 11 a.m., I went into Mom Mode. This included: reading books, writing letters, play dough, a Google Hangout with Pippa’s first grade class, doing preschool worksheets with Julian, and various other amusements. (Pippa did math with Nathan. That’s his job, and he is very good at it.)
• When the kids were busy playing, I did an episode of Classical Stretch.
• I stayed in Mom Mode until about 5:30 when Nathan emerged from the master bedroom which has become his makeshift office. (We actually have a desk but the internet is weak in that room, alas. He is making do with the pink glider I used to rock our babies to sleep, but maybe we will relocate the desk if this insanity continues much longer…)
• And now I am in the master bedroom, writing this blog post.
• Next I’ll work on my fantasy novel for about 45 minutes.
• Then we’ll have dinner.
• Put the kids to bed.
• Watch Survivor.
• And I’ll read in bed… fall asleep … wake up with the book on my face … put said book on the nightstand… and go back to sleep, properly this time.

This schedule might work tomorrow.

Then again, who the hell knows? I have been working at becoming more flexible, and it looks like the new “safer at home” policy in Pasadena is going to accelerate my work in that arena.

My daughter Pippa turned seven today! Doesn’t that sound freaking ancient?

Pre-Corona, my girl had some serious birthday plans. All year, her first grade classmates have been bringing in small gifts to celebrate their birthdays. Pippa picked out some oversized bubble wands at Target a few weeks ago and was so excited to distribute her gift.

Obviously that did not happen today.

Pippa was also very excited to host her cat-themed birthday party this coming Sunday, but thanks to Corona, that event has been indefinitely postponed as well.

It sucks. But my girl is handling these challenges like a champion. When I broke the news that we had to postpone her party, she was disappointed. She wanted some certainty about when it would happen. I could not give her that certainty. But after a few minutes of venting, she was good to go and moved on. She has not complained about her delayed party since.

And today, we had fun! I got her a ridiculously huge cat balloon; she opened presents; Nathan got bagels for breakfast; we had pizza for lunch; we went outside for a photo shoot (my girl loves to pose); we got an ice cream cake; and we gave the middle finger to formal home schooling. (Because hey, if a pandemic is going to shit all over my daughter’s birthday, there’s no way I’m going to make her do math.)

Some fun details I want to remember:

• We put Pippa’s birthday candles in a bagel so she could still get the experience of blowing out candles without spraying mystery germs all over the cake.
• Pippa was serenaded several times during the day, including over Facetime twice. I need to make an effort to use Facetime to stay in touch with friends and family. Isolation is no bueno.
• Her best friend played Happy Birthday on her keyboard and texted the video to Pippa. (Well, my friend texted the video to me. You probably already guessed that. Now I’m rambling. Shit.)
• Another friend sent a gift by way of Amazon after Pippa’s party was postponed. How sweet! Note to self: if this pandemic quarantine continues much longer, I’m going to send gifts to all the friends stuck at home on their special day.
• Pippa wore a fancy dress all day. She is not one for fancy dresses very often, but she wanted to feel special so there you go.

Everything is weird. Here in California, the governor suggested the kids might not go back to school in the fall. That is utterly mind boggling. So fuck it, I’m not thinking that far ahead. I can, at most, handle thinking about three days ahead at a time.

When this is over, we’ll throw Pippa’s Post-Pandemic Party. (Ooh, so much beautiful alliteration there!) But for today, I think we hit her birthday out of the park and gave her some special memories even in the middle of all this weirdness.

Happy Birthday, Pippa!

Like so many people in the United States, I am at home with my kids as the world responds to the Corona virus. Nathan is home with us as well, doing his best to work from home. We are adjusting, but everyone is under stress.

I have a long and tortuous relationship with emotional eating. For most of my life, I have used food to numb my feelings. Most recently, when Julian’s preschool was shut down last spring due to asbestos contamination, I did All the Emotional Eating and gained twenty pounds.

Three weeks ago, I joined Noom. It felt like the right program at the right time. And damn, now that school is cancelled, I am so glad I joined. I have already lost six pounds (cue the applause track) but more importantly, I have the momentum to continue my new healthy Noom habits while I live through this Strange AF Corona Situation. That said, I have lowered my expectations for the next month. I joined Noom to lose weight, but for the next month, I’m aiming to break even. After all, our world is in crisis. If I lose some weight with Noom during the next month – fantastic! But I will be ecstatic if I can live with all this craziness and gain 0.0 pounds.

Two weeks ago, I signed up for Noom. I’d call it a weight loss app, except it’s way more than that. It addresses the psychological issues that make it difficult to lose weight.

So far, I’m loving Noom. I signed up for a two week trial and now I’m paying for another six months. These are some of my initial thoughts and experiences with the app:

1. I have lost four pounds in two weeks. Woot woot! I gained about twenty pounds last spring and summer after Julian’s preschool was closed for asbestos. (Hello, emotional eating!) Then I stopped the weight gain but the scale stayed stuck at the same number. For months. It turns out that thinking “I’d like to lose weight” is not enough to actually lose weight. Noom has finally helped me turn the tide.
2. There are Harry Potter jokes.
3. I am allowed to eat whatever I want. I do not feel deprived.
4. This feels like something I can do for the rest of my life.
5. For me, this is definitely the Right App at the Right Time. I do not want to start insisting that everyone needs to use Noom. We all have our own journeys with our personal pitfalls, detours, and where was I going with this metaphor? Anyway, I feel like this is an awesome app for me, and I would encourage anyone who is curious to give it a try. But I know I have been doing a lot of work in therapy and journaling that has gotten me to the point where I am ready for something like Noom. You have to do what works for you. Noom happens to be working for me during the first quarter of 2020.

I do not have a lot of time for blogging these days but I am getting close. Next fall, Julian will be at school five days every week and I’ll finally have more than enough time for working on my fantasy series and exercise. Then I’ll be able to use some of that surplus time for blogging. But, in the meantime, I’ll try to post some updates about Noom and my weight loss adventures because I think doing so will be helpful for my journey.

I set some goals for 2020 but I’m using the word “goals” loosely. I am allowed to modify or abandon any of these projects at any time. But I find goal setting to be fun and inspiring, and sometimes, by setting a goal, I learn, Oh hey, that’s not something I actually want to do. So here we go, my first Goals Check of the decade.

1. Track My Values: I have done this twice in my journal. It’s actually a very helpful exercise. I thought I would create a chart for this but writing about my values for a half hour seems to be working so I’ll go with that process for now.
2. Limit Refined Sugar: Yes! Doing great! I have had refined sugar twice this month. I am talking about big ticket items. Like last weekend, we had a belated ice cream cake for my birthday. I’m not talking about a dash of refined sugar in something like tomato sauce. I do my best to avoid that sort of refined sugar, too, but I’m not going to lose my mind over it.
3. Try 20 Paleo Recipes: Oops. Forgot about this. (Insert shoulder shrug)
4. Soda Once A Week – Max: Completely on track here. I have been having soda once a week and that’s it. That keeps the cravings at a minimum.
5. Hot Yoga 100 times: On track! I have done Hot Yoga five or six times this month (I don’t have my tracker for that in front of me), and that is perfect. When Julian starts going to school five days a week, I’ll kick Hot Yoga to the next level to make sure I hit 100 times in 2020.
6. 11,000 Steps Each Day: I’m currently averaging 10,359 steps/day in 2020. I’m still aiming for 11,000 but realistically, now that I am doing more Hot Yoga, that might not happen.
7. Meditate 250 times: I’ve meditated with the Calm App eighteen times so far, plus Hot Yoga counts at meditation, so I’m on track here.
8. Read 100 Books: I’ve read eight so far this year. Woot woot!
9. Declutter the House: With this goal, I might need to practice embracing my value of living my life slowly. I am supposed to finish decluttering our nook (kind of an office/storage space) by the end of January. I have started but I don’t think I’ll finish this month.
10. 50 Blog Posts: Well shit, this is my first blog post of the year, so I’m behind schedule.
11. Finish Rough Draft of fantasy novel by July 31: Maybe? I just reached the halfway mark. This is a total learning experience but I love the work so I’m going to keep at it.
12. Knit Three Sweaters: I haven’t started one. I’ve been plugging away at a cross-stitch project. The point with this goal is to keep me doing the sort of craft projects that calm me at the end of the day: knitting, crochet, cross-stitch, hand sewing, etc. So long as I remember to stitch and knit and calm my soul, I don’t care if I have any sweaters by the end of the year.
13. Do My Enneagram by March 31: Haven’t done this. I bet it happens in March after I finish being Cookie Chair for my daughter’s Daisy Scout troop.
14. Try Reiki: Still on my Want To Do list.
15. 20 Creative Bug Classes: Oops! Forgot about this one.
16. Daily French on Duolingo: Yup. Love this app.
17. Learn World Geography: I play a game on my iPhone that is helping me learn this. I feel my brain laying down new neural pathways.
18. Learn Human Anatomy: Have not started this.
19. Memorize Periodic Table of Elements: Ditto.
20. Memorize U.S. Presidents: On track. Currently stuck on the presidents after Grant. Once I get them down, I think I’m home free.
21. Photo Albums: I wanted to finish the 2019 album by the end of January. That’s not happening, but I have made a good start and that’s the whole point of setting goals.
22. Promote My Memoir: I have not done anything with this. It’s been a busy month.
23. Visit 20 New to Me Places: I was just thinking about this goal the other day. So far, I have really only been to one new-to-me place: the pickup location for Girl Scout cookies. But I am confident I can finish this goal by the end of 2020. I just have to make the effort to visit new restaurants and museums.
24. Listen to 20 New-to-me Podcasts: Fully on track here! I have already listened to five: Dr. Death (amazing), The Shrink Next Door (also amazing), Secret Societies (promising), The Baron of Botox (intriguing) and Food Psych (undecided).

Whew, that’s enough on that. Have to go work on Goal #11, finish rough draft of novel, and then Goal #6, get those 11,000 steps.

It’s December 31st at 11:11 in the morning as I sit down to write this post at Starbucks. My kids are with the babysitter, and damn, I am grateful for the opportunity to reflect on the coming year. If there’s one thing I learned from 2019, it is that I can be my most authentic self when I am intentional about the way I live.

So here is my roadmap for 2020:

1. Track My Values: I got a good handle on my values in 2019. In 2020, I am going to take a page from The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin and track how well I am living my values. I am still thinking this over — should I do this weekly or daily? At day’s end or in the morning? By the end of January, I want to have a system in place.
2. Limited Refined Sugar: I will eat refined sugar no more than 24 times. I am talking about Big Ticket Sugary Sweet here — bowls of ice cream, cookies, and cake. I am not worried about a savory dish that has a little bit of sugar added.
3. Try 20 Paleo Recipes: I do not live a strict Paleo diet but I find that the closer to Paleo I eat, the better I feel. With that in mind, I need more Paleo recipes in my arsenal. I love cooking, and I love trying new recipes, but sometimes it feels overwhelming to pick a new recipe, shop for ingredients, etc. I want to expand my healthy eating options and think this will do the trick.
4. Soda Once A Week – Max: I have been drinking much less soda. It feels good to have broken the spell soda had over me, but I still crave it from time to time. So I am being realistic with this goal. I can have soda once a week in 2020, but I think I can do even better than that.
5. Do Hot Yoga 100 Times: This will be tricky but I think I can pull it off. With my kids’ current schedule, I am often only able to go once a week, which only gets me halfway to my goal. But eyes on the prize! In the summer, Julian will start going to preschool five days a week and I will suddenly be able to do to a lot more hot yoga. So I will fall behind on this goal the first half of 2020 and then kick it up a gear to get 100 classes done.
6. Walk An Average of 11,000 Steps/Day: I’m not sure about this goal. I walked an average of 10,665 steps/day in 2019. I am planning to do more hot yoga, so maybe I will end up walking less in 2020, but movement feels so good. When I sit too long, I start to rust. So I am challenging myself to walk 11,000 steps/day AND do hot yoga. I’ll reassess throughout the year and not beat myself up if I’m walking less.
7. Meditate 250 Times: I have been using the Calm App and meditated 180 times in 2019. My eventual goal is to meditate every single day. But I’ll start with 250 times this year and see what happens.
8. Read 100 Books: My 2019 goal was to read 100 books and I have read 105 books (and looking like I’ll hit 106 before I hit the pillow tonight). I am keeping the goal at 100 so that I can still read some longer tomes. I’m afraid that if I nudge the goal up, I’ll feel compelled to stick to short books.
9. Decluttering: Okay, I have set some deadlines here.
   • Nook: Finish by January 31. The Nook is a small space that connects the master bedroom with the kids’ room. It has become the most cluttered place in the house, so I am attacking it first.
   • Basement and garage: Finish by February 29.
   • Master bedroom shelves and storage plus my yarn stash: March 30.
   • Guest bedroom: April 30. (This includes a closet where we store lots of toys).
   • Kitchen: May 31
   • Take status and plan next steps by June 30.  
10. 50 Blog Posts: It would be nice if I could blog 100 times in 2020. I find that blogging centers me and gives me a lot of insight. Honestly, I don’t care how many people read my rambling posts. I just care about blogging because it’s a self-care tool. All that said, I think 50 blog posts is more realistic, so that’s my current goal.
11. Finish Rough Draft of Current Book By July 31: Not sure if I can do this. But I want to try! I’m not setting a deadline for revisions because shit, I have no idea. This is my first novel and hello, motherhood.
12. Knit Three Sweaters: One for me, one for Pippa and one for Julian. I love knitting, but I get bored with scarves that are never worn. But if I get some fun squishy yarns for the kids… then again, I reserve the right to say “Fuck knitting, I’m doing cross stitch in 2020” and leave it at that. But I would at least love to knit a big cozy cardigan for myself.
13. Do My Enneagram by March 31: I keep running across the enneagram in conversations and books. It’s like a personality test, I think? I bought a book and damnit, I’m doing this during the first quarter of 2020. It just feels like something I need to do.
14. Try Reiki: I have been curious about reiki for awhile and there are many practitioners in Pasadena. I would like to try this at least once and be open to the experience.
15. Try 20 Creative Bug Classes: I have been subscribing to Creative Bug for several years but rarely take the classes. They sound so interesting, but I don’t make the effort. Well, this year, I will make the effort or cancel the subscription. And instead of doing these at day’s end, when I’m worn out, I’ll do them during the day with my kids, who can watch with me or go off and do their own thing.
16. Practice French on Duolingo Every Day: I have gotten into the habit of doing Duolingo every day. My current streak is 237 days. I’m going to extend that streak another 365 days! There are seven levels of French lessons on Duolingo. I am currently about one third of the way through level two. I’d like to finish Level 5 by year’s end. This will motivate me to practice my French when I have idle moments instead of scrolling mindlessly through Facebook and Instagram.
17. Learn World Geography: I went to know every country’s name and location plus the world capitols. I think it’s important to exercise the brain to keep it young, and damnit, I should know where the Falklands are. (Are the Falklands even a country?? Shit, I want to know these things.)
18. Learn Human Anatomy: Every organ, every bone, every major muscle. It’s my body. I should know it.
19. Learn the Periodic Table of Elements: Again, I want to learn these things because when I am learning new things beyond my comfort zone, I can feel my brain laying down new neural pathways. And that feels good.
20. Memorize U.S. Presidents: I’d also like to know a lot more world history but this is the first thing I am going to nail down. Let me embrace my desire to be the eternal student!
21. Get Up To Date On Photo Albums: I was good with this, then I had Julian. I have only made albums through 2015, the year Julian was born. Well, time to remedy date. Again, I have deadlines.
    • 2019 Album by end of January (it’s easier to start with the most recent)
    • 2018 Album by end of March (February is Girl Scout cookie month and I’m the cookie chair for Pippa’s troop, so let’s have a little self-mercy, eh?)
    • 2017 Album by end of April
    • 2016 Album by end of May
    • And then, I will start making the 2020 album while 2020 is in progress. I’ll catch up by end of July, and then I just have to add to the album as our adventures happen.
22. Promote My Memoir: I have not done a lot to promote my memoir. Well, I did make an entire podcast, and people still listen to the podcast, but I feel like in 2020, I need to return to my advocacy work for maternal mental health. A little. I’m not going to restart the podcast or support group – that’s not for me at this stage of my life. But I have a few plans.
    • Release the memoir on Kindle Unlimited. For shits and giggles. Who knows what will happen? Probably nothing but then again, there might be a mom who has KU and really needs to read my memoir, but she only lets herself read things in the KU universe…
    • Put out a “last call” for free digital downloads before I put the book on Kindle Unlimited. Give people a few weeks to download and then cancel the links for free downloads. I’ll do this in January, and release the book on KU in February.
    • Write a monthly blog post about postpartum depression. I don’t know why. This just feels like something I should be doing. So I’ll give it a try and see what happens.
    • By the end of January, create a page on this website dedicated to the memoir and podcast. I’m setting an early deadline so I just get something done. It does not have to be perfect. I can improve and tinker after I get this started.
23. Listen to 20 New-to-Me Podcasts: I actually had the goal in 2014, way back when Pippa was a baby, to listen to 100 different podcasts. I never met that goal but I listened to a ton, found some favorites, and felt refreshed and invigorated by the project. I feel like I have fallen into a podcast rut so I’m going to expand my horizons again in 2020.
24. Visit 20 New-to-Me Places: Again, I had a similar goal in 2014. That time, I was going to visit 52 “cultural” places like museums and botanical gardens to remind myself that I was not just a mom. I think it is once again time to nudge myself beyond my usual haunts, but I am not limiting myself to cultural venues. Yes, I’d like to finally make it to the Broad Museum this year, but a new-to-me coffee shop counts as well. And maybe I’ll get on a roll and visit 52 places, but since it’s 2020, twenty is such a nice goal to have.

Whew, I think that is more than enough! Am I being overly ambitious? Probably. But it will be fun to see what sticks and what does not quite work. Tally ho, 2020!

In my last post, I wrote about how I was taking stock of all that I did in 2019 and making some plans and goals for 2020. Then I got sucked into the holiday madness and was too busy addressing holiday cards to write another blog post. But now I’m back and ready to reflect more deeply on 2019. So let’s do this!

Writing: I wrote in my journal almost every day and worked on the first book of my fantasy series as much as possible. I am about halfway finished with the rough draft and very happy with the progress.

Motherhood: I still sometimes yell at my kids, but I am yelling a lot less than I did in 2018. I am hopeful that one of these days, I’ll wake up and realize it has been months since I yelled at my kids (unless I’m cheering from the soccer sidelines or yelling at them to get out of the street). My patience muscle has definitely gotten stronger. I am learning that when I have an issue with my kids, I have to change myself rather than nag and admonish them to change. Overall, I feel like I have become an even better mother than I was in 2018.

Mental and Emotional Health: I returned to therapy and saw my therapist once or twice each month. Thank goodness for flexible therapists! I am getting better at feeling my feelings (instead of drowning them with sugar) and I’m listening to my feelings’ messages and using those messages to improve the way I live my life.

Bookworm: I set a goal to read 100 books in 2019 and as of the time I am writing this, I have read 103!

Challenges: Wow, 2019 had its fair share of challenges. Julian’s school had to close for six months after asbestos contamination; a little girl drowned at Pippa’s camp and my heart just broke; and then our school district closed several elementary schools due to low enrollment and for several weeks, it seemed like Pippa’s school was going to be closed. These challenges forced me to reckon with the reality of uncertainty and forced me to do a lot of growing up. It was like boot camp (a six month long boot camp) for my soul. It was good. But damn, I hope 2020 is a little more boring. I could use a good rut.

Exercise: I started the year with a goal of walking an average of 10,000 steps/day. As of December 27, I have averaged 10,684 steps/day. Mission accomplished! I can spend the next week in bed, and I will still hit my goal. I also stretched nearly every day and started attending Hot Yoga classes in mid-September.

The Food Front: Some people smoke. Others drink too much. My battleground is food. That’s okay. Everyone has their struggle. Anyway, after asbestos closed Julian’s preschool, I started eating and eating and eating and gained 20 pounds in like five minutes. But I recognized what I was doing. I hit the Pause Button. I read Atomic Habits and learned lots of ideas to change my eating habits. I started tracking the foods I eat. I quit soda in October. I drastically reduced my refined sugar intake. And now, even with the holidays, I have managed to lose a few pounds in December. I am ready to transform my relationship with food in 2020!

Shoulder Pain: My shoulder went out on January 13. I remember the date well because it was the day after I turned 40 and felt like a cosmic joke. I suffered with the pain for months but started seeing an osteopath during the summer and now my shoulder pain is almost completely gone. I spent a lot of time taking care of my shoulder in 2019 but it was worth it.

Aquarium: We have an aquarium! With three fish! Three fish have died! But three still live!

Trips: We went to Las Vegas for the annual Henning Family Reunion and then Nebraska for nine days to visit Nathan’s family. I love Pasadena but it’s good to get away.

Decluttering: Huge progress on this front. I cleared out my clothes and now only have clothes I like to wear. Same with the kids’ clothes. I went through our books and donated bags and bags of books to Goodwill. In November, we got a new couch and needed to have professionals haul it away (because it was absolutely disgusting and though we left it on the street for a week, no one was interested in a free disgusting couch). So while we had the professionals coming, Nathan and I gutted our garage and basement and got rid of so much crap. I love decluttering!

Whew, that’s enough for 2019! Of course there was a ton more that happened, but if I try to capture it all in a blog post, I’ll miss half of 2020. I feel like I am ending the year more authentic, more resilient and more magical than I began it. Sometimes, being a stay at home mom, it can feel like all I do is deal with dirty dishes and laundry. But looking back, I can see just how far I came. And now, onward to 2020!