And thought I knew what the next few years of my life looked like.
The first year of pandemic life was tough AF, but I am now more flexible and resilient. I am more comfortable with change and uncertainty. And I have so much gratitude for the fully stocked aisle of toilet paper at the grocery store!
I have been following the Noom program for over a year now. It’s been a bumpy ride. Shall I recap? Yes, let’s! And since I was a history major, I’ll even get fancy with a timeline. (You’re welcome!)
Late February 2020: I joined Noom. I weighed about 209.5 pounds.
I lost a couple of pounds
March 2020: The shit hit the fan. #pandemic
I had already signed up for Noom, so I figured I might as well stick with the program.
March-July 2020: I lost twenty pounds! I was down to 189 pounds.
August 2020: Pippa started distance learning. I felt some serious stress. I quit Noom. #burnout
August-October 2020: I regained about fifteen of the pounds I had lost.
Late October 2020: I rejoined Noom.
This morning, I weighed in at 204.6 pounds. I could look at that as a defeat. Woe is me, I’m only down five pounds since this time last year. But I am choosing to look at my current weight as a major victory.
I could have easily gained fifty pounds in 2020. Before Noom, I used food to manage my stress and numb my feelings. 2020 involved an ass shit ton of feelings and stress, and I did in fact often reach for food to feel better. But just as often, I did something else, like exercise, meditate, or text friends. I was far from perfect on the emotional eating front, but I did better in 2020 than I ever had in my adult life. That, my friends, is what I consider a victory.
I want to make some serious progress in 2021 on the health and fitness front. I want to stick to my calorie budgets and shed the excess weight already.
But first, I want to give myself a standing ovation,
take a bow,
and skate a victory lap for kicking some major ass in the Stress and Emotional Eating departments!
As I mentioned in this week’s podcast episode, I am currently working on my beliefs. I have a lot of shitty old beliefs that are keeping me from becoming my best self. I am ready for a system upgrade! I want beliefs that support my work to be a general bad ass.
In order to overhaul my beliefs, I have to actually identify the beliefs that I have been lugging around for most of my life. My beliefs have spent most of my life lurking in my subconscious, but I have found a few ways to lure them out of the darkness.
(1) I journal. I write, What are my beliefs? or What beliefs do I need to address? And then I wait. My inner voice then offers up a belief and I basically write the transcript for my inner voice.
(2) Second, I call up strong memories and journal about them. In Episode 23, I talked about the day in the second grade when my school principal, an Irish nun, called me and a few other kids to the front of class and announced that we were not getting communion. That was a shaming moment and the memory of it brings up intense feelings. It was a defining moment in my life. I didn’t realize it at the time – I was eight years old! – but that day, I internalized a belief about needing to fit in. I went home and sulked and begged until my parents agreed to let me take first communion. I was so happy! I fit in again. But now I am 42. Now I prefer being authentic over fitting in. Writing about the strong second grade memory helped me identify and release a shitty old belief.
(3) The Tarot also helps me identify my beliefs. I love using my Tarot deck as a tool for tapping into my intuition. I shuffle the deck, spread out the cards, and ask, What belief do I need to work on? Then I pick a card and start journaling about my immediate reaction to the card. For example, last Sunday I picked a card that depicted three men doing construction work on an interior that was part of a church. I immediately thought, I have to release my beliefs about the authority of old institutions. I have to start believing in myself.
I kept journaling about the Tarot card I had pulled. I realized that all my life, I have subconsciously believed in “the authorities” over my own judgment. That’s why I went to law school and practiced law for eight years. I wanted to please my parents, and I thought they preferred that over my call to be a writer. And more: I wanted to please society. Society had laid out a clear path to success. Who was I to dispute what society said I needed? But I want to believe in myself now. I don’t want to keep deferring to the authorities, whether they are my parents, the Catholic Church, my kids’ teachers, society, friends, social media, etc. etc.
(4) I am currently listening to not one but two of Jen Sincero’s books. I read a couple of her books years ago, before I had kids, and loved them. A couple of weeks ago, I started focusing on my beliefs as my next area of self-work. Around the same time, I got a strong longing to read Sincero’s books again. I downloaded one audiobook from the library and bought another on Audible. HOLY SHIT. She writes extensively about beliefs in the book I bought yesterday! Damn, I love when my muse tells me what book to read and it’s exactly the book I need for the work I am doing.
Want to work on your beliefs? Read this book!
(5) I have been using the Noom app for nearly a year now and it has helped me address a lot of the beliefs I hold about food. My beliefs about foods have helped me discover some fundamental beliefs about myself.
Identifying my beliefs is going to take a lot of patience. After all, my beliefs have been hiding in the darkness of my subconscious for most of my life. But I can be patient. Now that I have found a few shitty beliefs, and felt the catharsis of letting them go, I want to replace all my shitty beliefs with new radiant beliefs help me become my best damn self.
This week, I’m talking about building new, radiant beliefs on the podcast. But first! I talked about busting out of my exercise rut and joining Obe Fitness. You can read all about that in this blog post.
Okay, now to the meat of the episode! (Or the tofu, if you’re vegetarian.) I have been working to identify my beliefs. Most of my beliefs are subconscious. But with journaling and reflection, I am discovering old beliefs that might have served me in the past but are now holding me back from being my best self.
I am working with these negative beliefs and consciously bidding them farewell. But now, I need to plant the seeds of new beliefs and nurture the shit out of them until I have a gorgeous lush forest of beliefs that are in line with my values. But how the hell do I do that? Figuring that out is my current work.
Sincero has inspired me to upgrade my “spiritual gym.” I am listening to Try Everything by Shakira everyday. Damn that song pumps me up. I have also written affirmations on sticky notes and hung them up around my desk.
And then, I bought myself this deck of affirmation cards.
It’s going to take a lot of work, but I can already feel my new beliefs taking root.
For my next episode, I should probably talk about what those beliefs actually are!
Some people think anti-depressants are numbing. That they take away bad and good feelings. I want the record to reflect: this has not been my experience with anti-depressants.
I have been taking Zoloft since July 2020 and holy eff, I am still feeling all the feelings, from Anger to Zest, and everything in between. The only thing that Zoloft has numbed is my anxiety.
Is anxiety a feeling? Wow, that’s a philosophical rabbit hole. And I want to go finished watching The Bachelor now, so can I take a rain check on figuring that out?
All I want to say is that anti-depressants have in no way muted my experience of the world. If anything, they have empowered me to experience my feelings even more. When my anxiety is revved up, it’s hard for me to feel anything but anxious. Sadness, joy, grumpiness, contentment … all those feelings get buried beneath heaps and heaps of anxiety.
Zoloft does not numb me to life. Quite the opposite. It soothes my anxiety so I can fully appreciate this wild and magnificent life.
My exercise habits are constantly changing. A lifetime ago, when I was a miserable lawyer, I went to gyms and often worked with personal trainers. I clanged down metal weights and logged God-knows-how-many miles on ellipticals, treadmills and steppers.
After I had Pippa, I discovered Zumba and went to as many classes as possible at my gym. I loved Zumba. But the classes were crowded, and I did not have the time to queue up just to get a spot, so gradually, I returned to the ellipticals, treadmills and steppers. Sometimes I used the weight machines. But I was not feeling particularly inspired by my exercise routine.
I quit the gym a couple of years ago and started walking outside. Then I added in hot yoga classes. I loved the combination of walking and hot yoga.
And then you know what happened in March 2020.
I kept walking! Walking kept me sane. I walked farther and farther and explored new neighborhoods near my house.
Last summer, I embraced strength training. I bought resistance bands and free weights and created a Pinterest board for different moves. I lifted weights about three times a week for twenty minutes and walked at least an hour each day. For cardio, I added 3-2-1 intervals to my walks – three minutes at a mild pace, two minutes moderate, and one minute as fast as I could walk. By the end of 2020, I felt healthier than ever.
But recently, I felt like I was in a rut. I was getting bored with my strength and cardio. I tripped a few weeks ago and tweaked my ankle. As my ankle recovered, I found that I did not want to resume my 3-2-1 walking intervals. When I was walking, I wanted to walk at the pace that felt right for me at that particular moment. I also found myself avoiding my weights. I only did strength training a few times in February. My exercise routine felt blah, blah, blah.
Then an ad for Obé Fitness popped up in my Instagram feed. I felt instantly drawn to the image of instructors in pastel rooms.
I read some online reviews. I hemmed, I hawed. My Resistance put up a damn good fight.
On Saturday, I signed up for my free trial and did a dance workout in my kitchen.
I had so much fun! By the end of class, I felt energized and vibrant and fully alive. I could not wait to do another class.
This morning, I did a strength class. The description called for eight pound weights, but I used my five pounders. Wow! I have never enjoyed strength training so much.
When my free trial is over, I will definitely be continuing with the monthly Obé subscription. It’s $27/month, which is pricier than a lot of streaming fitness services, but for me, it’s money well spent. I’m already excited to do another cardio class tomorrow and might even do a stretching class this afternoon. I forgot how good exercise can make me feel. I still want to keep walking an average of 12,000 steps/day, but now I am ready to up my game in the cardio and strength department.
The Pasadena Board of Education met yesterday and finally – FINALLY – voted to reopen public schools on March 29, 2021. I don’t know if Pippa will actually go back that day or later that week. The kids are being assigned to cohorts, blah blah blah, but hallelujah, things are finally – FINALLY – changing for Pasadena kids.
I don’t own a confetti cannon — if I ever win the lottery, that will be one of the first things I buy — but there is a confetti cannon exploding in my heart.
I am sure hybrid school will bring a bonanza of new challenges and feelings but hot damn, I am ready for this new adventure. I am grateful Pippa is in the second grade because for now, only TK-2nd grade are returning. But things are finally – FINALLY – looking up for Pasadena parents. As the cases continue to decrease, older children will be allowed to return.
Spring will actually feel like a proper resurrection and renewal this year.
The Pasadena Board of Education is having a special meeting this afternoon to discuss the reopening of schools. They will be voting on a resolution to reopen elementary schools for TK-2nd grade on March 29. Members of the public are allowed to send comments to be included in the public record. I thought that enough people had already begged, whined and complained about the reopening of the schools to the Board. But at last week’s meeting, nearly all the public comments were from parents and teachers who do not want the schools to reopen. Maybe people are not complaining? Maybe, like me, everyone else assumes that so many people have complained, so there is no need to add another voice to the babble.
I decided it was time to get into the arena and have my say. I wrote a letter yesterday and sent it to the Superintendent and all the members of Pasadena’s Board of Education. Here’s my letter, and in bold, I’ve included the language I omitted, but really wanted to include.
To The Members of the Pasadena Board of Education: [Dear Asshats, Fools and Demon Spawn]
I am the parent of a second grader at xxx School. [feels weird to put the name of my daughter’s school on the internet] Please reopen the schools as soon as possible for in-person instruction. [before I lose my flipping mind and commit unimaginable crimes]
Schools are not the main drivers of the pandemic. The closure of schools should be done only as a last resort measure. According to the United Nation’s Children’s Fund (aka UNICEF), a recent global study using data from 191 countries showed no association between school status and COVID-19 infection rates in the community. Science supports the reopening of schools. [I decided to sound calm and rational though really, I am a flaming tower of incoherent rage . Seriously, all the other fucking schools in the country have reopened. Our infection rates are super low. What is with the effing holdup?] I am very disappointed [enraged] and frustrated [practically homicidal] that nearby school districts, such as South Pasadena, have already reopened while PUSD is yet to set a reopening date.
I have been following the District’s plans for reopening and am impressed with the measures being taken to ensure everyone’s safety. [blatant sucking up] I have always intended to send my children to public schools, but it has been disheartening to see private schools reopening while our public schools fall farther and farther behind. I know a lot of parents who are on the verge of pulling their children out of PUSD. [i’m not making this up] [I’m one of those parents] Please reopen so we do not lose any more families to private schools, homeschooling and other districts. [though that ship sailed long ago] Please reopen for the children. [remember them? the children who have been enduring trials we never had to endure as kids?] Distance learning is breaking their spirits and love of learning. [understatement of the century] It is time to be brave and move forward. [or I will burn something]
I took Zoloft and Remeron after the births of both my children to combat postpartum depression, anxiety and insomnia. At the time of the first lockdown last March, I was no longer taking either medication. For the first couple of months of pandemic life, I coasted on my mental health reserves. But at the beginning of summer, I got crushed by a major wave of anxiety. I couldn’t sleep and adrenaline pounded through my body basically nonstop.
Once I again, I found myself feeling grateful that I had had postpartum depression. Thanks to PPD, I already had a psychiatrist. Thanks to PPD, I was able to recognize my adrenalin and insomnia for what they were: a mental health crisis. And thanks to PPD, my psychiatrist and I knew exactly what medications would work for me.
I started taking Remeron again last June. That helped for a couple of weeks, until it didn’t. On July 3, it was time to recall Zoloft from inactive duty. The Zoloft quickly calmed my nervous system. My anxiety subsided. I felt like myself again.
But despite the difficulties and emotional turbulence, my mental health is in tip-top shape. Now, that’s not all about the Zoloft. I’m making a concerted effort to do the things that boost my mental health. I’m meditating, journaling, writing a novel, getting outside, gardening, cooking, exercising, connecting with friends and family, laughing, having fun with my kids, ranting to Nathan, praying, listening to happy music, listening to soothing music, knitting, crocheting, punch needling, decluttering, and I could keep going but you get the point. I am hustling to stay mentally healthy during this pandemic. I can’t simply pop some Zoloft and then ignore my mental health.
But as of March 2021, Zoloft is essential to my wellbeing. You know how in sci-fi stories the spaceships can put up invisible protective shields against enemy attacks? Those shields are never infallible, but they take a lot of abuse to give the heroes a chance to figure out a way to escape and save the universe. Zoloft has been my sci-fi protective shield during the pandemic.
I had a phone session with my psychiatrist this morning. We agreed that even though I’m doing great, now is not the time to consider weaning off my medications. There is too much stress and uncertainty in the world. I need my sci-fi invisible protective shield thingee.
Thank you, Zoloft, for keeping my mental health in tip-top shape during these epic times. Shields up. There’s plenty of uncertainty on the horizon.
I started 2021 with a lot of goals of projects, knowing that at least a few would fall by the wayside. That’s part of my process. I like to take on more projects than I can possibly handle to see which ones actually stick.
I did a January report already if you are interested in that sort of nerdiness. Now it is time to take a look at what happened with my goals and projects in the second month of 2021:
Quitting Soda: I abstained from soda until February 25. Then on February 26, I could not do it anymore. God, I missed soda. And god, have you noticed that there’s a pandemic? And as I write this, my daughter is STILL distance learning. Our district has not bothered to set a return date. It seems like everyone else has gone back. Am I whining? Maybe a little. But sometimes, when surviving a pandemic and endless distance learning, a woman just needs some goddamn soda. Even if it is caffeine-free.
They both won.
Blog Every Weekday: Done! Sometimes it takes a real effort to carve out the time for blogging, but I’m always glad when I do.
Finish the Room Novel I Started November 2020: I finished the first round of revisions last week! I’m very happy with how this book is shaping up. When will I be done revising? No freaking clue. Today I am going to start reading the latest draft and figure out my next steps. Wish me luck!
Learn French: J’aime apprendre le francais. I practiced French on Duolingo every day in February! Waouh!
Tap dance: I didn’t tap dance. At all. Maybe March is my month!
Roller skate: Pippa broke her nose in late January and could not roller skate. So there was no way I was going to roller skate. That would just be cruel.
Play the piano: Didn’t happen. I love playing the piano but it’s just not as necessary to my happiness as writing, walking and crafting.
Post on Instagram Daily: I forgot to post one day. Oops.
Walk An Average of 12,000 Steps in 2021: My February daily average was 11,932 which was EXCELLENT because I tripped and tweaked my ankle on February 5. My ankle actually recovered pretty quickly. My 2021 average is now 12,403 – a little lower than it was at the end of January, but I’ll take it.
Do A Weekly Tarot Reading: Did this. Still loving it. I love doing it on Sunday mornings.
Read 100 Books For Myself: I read nine books for myself in February. Well, I read/listened to eight books by myself and the ninth book was Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which I read to Pippa. However, Deathly Hallows counts because it is something I would have read on my own.
Do 25 “Big” Craft Projects: I finished three more punch needle projects, all for the 100 Days Project.
Try 100 New Recipes: I tried sixteen new recipes in February! I really ought to write a roundup of my favorite recipes this year…
Go Down 100 Slides: Well, with Pippa’s broken nose, playgrounds were off limits. I can hopefully whiz down a slide soon!
50 Different Places: I went to nine “different” places. There were some new-to-me places, including: a tiny public garden that I passed while dropping off Valentine treats at friends’ homes; the art studio where Pippa recently started lessons; and a ton of furniture stores (I was on a chair hunt). Then I revisited some old favorites, including the aquarium, that we were not allowed to visit thanks to the pandemic.
French Braid My Hair 100 Times: I did this exactly zero times. But I really want to learn! I just have to get over how awkward I feel trying to French braid my hair and do it already.
Exercise: I stretched every day but one in February. I started listening to audiobooks while stretching to maximize the enjoyment factor. I only did strength training three times. I fell out of the habit after hurting my ankle. Time to get back into this habit! Also, I only did cardio three times. Again #ankle. I keep testing my ankle every few days and although walking is fine, cardio just feels a bit too intense. Soon! I don’t want to reinjure myself.
Meditation: Using the Calm App, I meditated 26 times in February.
Journaling: I journaled 26 times in February.
Noom: I’m still using the Noom app and loving it more and more every day. I read the Noom articles 26 days in February. I’m starting to see a theme…
Activity Book: I worked on my next activity book on one day, the day after I finished my second draft of my room mom novel. I will not seriously dive into that book until I send my room mom novel to an editor. Or my kids go to school full time. Whichever happens first!
Geography: I studied Geography every day! I’m getting a better handle on the Oceanic nations.
Podcasting: I recorded two new episodes in February! I’m back! It feels so good to be podcasting!
Gardening: I ordered another raised bed. The kids and I watered and weeded the vegetables and herbs we had already planted. March will be big. We’ll start planting veggies for summer!
Decluttering: I made HUGE headway here. There was a huge toy disaster in the guest bedroom. The kids helped me clean that up AND voluntarily got rid of several bags of toys. Then I whipped most of our kitchen cupboards back into shape. I still have one big cupboard to conquer, and the junk drawer, but the kitchen feels so much better. It’s easy to find spices! And snacks! And everything!
Photo Albums: I did nothing. Nutter butter. I feel like I’m be able to tackle this after I finish decluttering.
Monthly Family Photo: We got a really shitty family photo when we visited Jurassic Quest but hey, it counts!
Newsletter: Another month without sending my newsletter. Oh well. I’m doing my best, folks. #pandemic
Balloon Animals: I keep forgetting to do this. Once I get started, I know it will be hilarious.
The biggest change in February was I succumbed to the siren call of soda. But I’m not going to beat myself up for that. Soda is my vice. As far as vices go, it’s not that terrible. Maybe one day I’ll quit soda for good. Maybe not. I’ll figure it out!
