Every school day, when I drop my kids off, someone in the car line is a jerk or idiot or both. This used to rile me up and I’d feel outraged at the injustices of car line. But recently I realized: what if the path to enlightenment is in car line? What if I stop letting other people steal my serenity over dumb things like car line? Someone is going to be rude and block the car line and make everyone wait while their prince or princess takes an absurdly long time to get out of the vehicle. I don’t have to let this rudeness snatch my serenity. 

Other areas in my life where I’m working to not let people steal my serenity:

1. When someone is snorting at hot yoga (like today)
2. When people ignore the laws regarding stop signs and don’t let you take your turn because they are more important/busy/spaced out
3. Fifth grade fundraising for end of year celebrations

I will have to keep striving to say calm in car line because man, it’s like one of Dante’s parenting circles of hell. But if I can stay calm there, I can carry that calm into other areas of my life. There are enough real sources of stress that erode my serenity. No sense letting the fake stress of car line steal it as well.

I decided to update my About Me page today, and wow, I had completely forgotten what I had written a year ago.

During the last school year, I wore a lot of hats: the PTA’s room parent coordinator; the room mom for Julian’s kindergarten class and Pippa’s third grade class; the book fair chair (best. job. ever.); an AYSO referee (not that terrible, despite the fluorescent yellow shirt); and the cookie czar for Pippa’s Brownie troop. I know, I know, this sounds crazy, but I thrive on this sort of crazy.

Oh look, I created an infographic to detail My Sort of Crazy:

This coming school year, I am dialing up the crazy. I will be our PTA’s VP of Volunteering; the book fair chair; and a leader for Pippa’s Girl Scout troop. No one has agreed to take on the job of room parent coordinator yet, so I’ll probably be doing that, too. And I maybe sort of told AYSO that I would be a coach. And I’m sure I’ll be a room mom again…

My husband is only mildly concerned.

My Former About Me Page, which i’m updating, so you can’t check the citation. but is anyone actually checking the citations on my blog? and if so, how do you have the time to do that shit?

Well, at least the infographic is still accurate.

Part of me wishes I could go back in time and warn 2023 Courtney – You are flying too close to the volunteering sun! You are going to burn to a crisp! Your dad is about to be diagnosed with cancer! And then he’s going to need emergency brain surgery and shit will really hit the fan! Have some mercy on yourself and dial back the crazy.

But mostly, I have a sense of humor and realize this was all part of my journey:

• I had to “enjoy” being an AYSO ref and signup to be a soccer coach in order to realize I was letting the AYSO agenda hijack my life.
• I had to be the PTA VP of Volunteering to realize I was draining my vital energy in ways I could not sustain.
• I had to volunteer too damn much in order to remember my essentials, my need for a buffer, and my right to rest and relaxation.

Confession: I’m a little embarrassed by my old About Me page, but that’s all part of the journey. I have to keep on following my curiosity and making mistakes, big and small, in order to become a more and more authentic version of myself.

This school year, I am embracing my Healing From Burnout Era, which means I’m eliminating the activities that reduced my soul to a heap of ashes. No more PTA. No more room parenting. No more coaching or ref’ing for AYSO.

And you know what that means? My mental load has been significantly reduced.

All of these former volunteering roles took up considerable real estate in my headspace. Let’s just consider AYSO coaching:

• Before the season even started, I had to recruit volunteers
• Attend trainings in person and online
• Do my Livescan and background check
• I had to plan the drills I would run during practice
• Remember to bring all the equipment we needed for practice
• Run the practices, which meant not just organizing drills but managing the dynamics between the kids, keeping their attention, and making sure they didn’t do anything stupid
• On game day, I had to arrive early so I could run more drills
• Prepare the lineup
• Run the game from the sideline
• And during the week, there were numerous communications from parents about matches and practices.

I’m exhausted just writing that list AND THAT WAS JUST FOR ONE ACTIVITY. And let’s not forget that I am a mom and motherhood creates it’s own vast mental load, such as:

• Remembering to play the tooth fairy
• Organizing the magic of holidays
• Homework
• Flu shots
• Dental appointments
• Packing school lunches
• timely application of sunblock
• Remembering to charge their stupid Chromebooks after school
• and unpack their lunches
• buy their favorite healthy snacks
• navigate their feelings
• and
• so
• much
• other
• stuff

This is why I am Burnt Out AF. I overloaded my circuits with all the logistics I had to manage as a mom and volunteer. When I decided to dial back on my volunteering responsibilities, I knew I was freeing up time to relax, pursue my creative interests and declutter our house. But now that I’m several weeks into the school year, I can really appreciate the lighter mental load.

If I return to volunteering in future years, remind me to pick a way that does not add to my mental load. I’m really not interested in recharging my batteries just so I can deplete them again to pacify the patriarchy.

At the beginning of the year, I picked 23 projects that I wanted to tackle in 2023. It’s been awhile since I checked in, so let’s see my progress!

1. Attend fifty hot yoga classes: As of today, I’ve attended 40 classes – woot woot! I am frustrated because I was not able to attend as many classes as I would have liked in August, because I had Julian home with a sprained ankle, Pippa home with allergies, and both kids home for Hurricane Hillary. Now Pippa is home on a Tuesday because she had to have a crown put on a tooth with a cavity. Motherhood is demanding. Incredibly rewarding and the best part of my life, but also ass-kickingly demanding.
2. Track what I eat for 30 days in a row: I completed this in January.
3. Drink at least 64 oz of water/day for 30 days in a row: Ditto.
4. Publish my second novel: I’m currently writing working on language revisions and then I’ll take a break before I take a fresh look at the book, finalize the title, design a cover, and boom. Publish! I’d love to finish this by the end of 2023, but as noted above, my kids have been home a lot. It is really effing hard to find the time and mental space to revise a novel while mothering young kids, and they are my priority. I’m aiming to publish my second novel in 2023, but I won’t publish an unfinished book just to tick a mark on my 23 in 23′ checklist.
5. Read 100 books for myself: I’ve slowed down on the reading front but have finished 68 books so far this year. According to Goodreads, I’m 1 book ahead of schedule. It might be time to unleash my secret weapon: the graphic novel!
6. Try 23 new recipes: I tried six new recipes at the beginning of the year and lost all momentum over the summer. I tried a seventh recipe recently that was very meh – not great for rebuilding momentum.
7. Cook with mushrooms 23 times: I’ve still cooked with mushrooms only four times.
8. Bake 23 loaves of bread: Still not a loaf yet. Though I do intend to revive my sourdough starter this week.
9. Make 23 different buttons with my buttonmaker: I’ve used my button maker on three occasions. Once for myself; once for fifth grade fundraising during welcome back fair; and once at my niece Olivia’s birthday party. So in all, I’ve made at least 23 buttons, probably more. When I made this goal, I thought that I would design and make buttons for myself. But hey, I’m just glad that I got comfortable with the button maker!
10. Finish 23 craft projects (not including buttons): Seven down. I most recently finished a baby blanket for my cousin Molly, who is expecting her first next month, and a cross-stitch project for Julian.
11. Watch 12 different Creativebug classes: Still only watched one. If I don’t get around to watching some this fall, I’m cancelling my subscription.
12. Draw 12 times: I’ve drawn six times. It’s relaxing, but it’s not where my creative juices are flowing these days. I have, however, also played around with AI, and that is very fun.
13. Play 23 different board/card games: Still stalled at twelve.
14. Watch 23 movies with my kids: I’m up to eleven! I took the kids to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem in the theater and we all loved it. Pippa and I have watched the first two Hunger Games movies together during her absences.
15. Write 23 blog posts: I wrote my twenty-third post on August tenth. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
16. Visit 23 new places: I completed this goal several months ago and have recorded 32 new places this year. My favorite new place in August was Seaside Lagoon in Redondo Beach. My cousin and I met there with our kids on the last Friday of summer and it was such an easy and safe beach day. The kids activated some serious core memories while building sand castle villages.
17. Go on 12 hikes: I’ve done the same hike, Eaton Canyon, twice now. Once with Pippa, and once with Pippa, Nathan and Julian. Both times were so good for my soul.
18. Do 23 things I have never done before: I’m at 16 new things.
19. Finish decluttering the house! I think I’m going to finish this by year’s end. Nathan and I tackled our California basement yesterday and cleared out vast quantities of crap. The basement was the most daunting task on my decluttering list. And it’s like 85% done – and the remaining 15% will be easy.
20. Indulge my inner child 23 times: I’ve indulged my inner child at least 19 times. Most recently, I started taking tennis lessons.
21. Publish 12 podcast episodes: I’ve recorded two podcast episodes for my show Adventures With my Forties. After a long hiatus, it feels good and very right to return to this creative outlet. Yay!
22. Attend 12 live performances: I’ve been to seven live performances this year, most recently Peter Pan Goes Wrong with Nathan and the kids. It was HILARIOUS. The entire family loved it.
23. Spend 20 hours gardening: I’m not so good at remembering to log my gardening sessions, but I’ve officially logged 17.5 gardening hours. And the projects on my gardening radar will easily consume another 2.5 hours and more.

It’s early September and I’ve finished four out of twenty-three projects. I am reasonably confident that I’ll complete eight more, and there are a few more that miiiiiight get completed (depending on how my muse).

This is my process! It’s not so much about checking items off a list but about keeping projects on my radar so if I’m in a slump, I have some ideas for rebuilding my momentum. And after burning myself out during the prior school year, my 23 in ’23 Project has been really helpful in figuring out the best ways for me to heal.

This week, I’m talking about Human Giver Syndrome and the ways women get sucked into doing work for other people’s organizations. I talk about ways I got hijacked by other folks’ agendas into doing volunteer work that doesn’t actually align with my values and beliefs. Specifically, I’m looking at AYSO, Girl Scout cookies and the frenzied hell that is cookie season, and the PTA membership drive. 

I learned about Human Giver Syndrome in Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski. I have not finished reading this book yet but I have already learned so much.

This is how the authors (they are twins!) define Human Giver Syndrome:

In Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny, philosopher Kate Manne describes a system in which one class of people, the “human givers,” are expected to offer their time, attention, affection, and bodies willingly, placidly, to the other class of people, the ‘human beings.’ The implication in these terms is that human beings have a moral obligation to be or express their humanity, while human givers have the moral obligation to give their humanity to the human beings. Guess which one women are.

Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle, xii.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I suffer from Human Giver Syndrome and have been shaped by the patriarchy’s values. I have so often felt guilty for the time I spend on my creative pursuits, beating myself up for neglecting the housework so I can write books and podcast. That’s because I was raised in a culture shaped by Human Giver Syndrome and was taught “to prioritize being pretty, happy, calm, generous and attentive to the needs of others, above anything else.” Burnout, pg. 63.

I don’t say this during the podcast episode, but damn, I’m sick of being a Human Giver who constantly depletes herself to satisfy other folks’ agendas. Going forward, I want to pay more attention to the reason I do things and make sure my volunteer work aligns with my values, not someone else’s. And while I’m at it, I want to be a bad ass, not a calm, pretty woman who pours her energy into meeting the needs of others, at the expense of her sanity and mental health.

Pippa is home sick from school today with either allergies or a cold – it’s hard to tell sometimes! But if I had to bet, I’d say allergies. This is the third week of school and I’m yet to have a normal week. Let’s recap:

• Week One: Julian missed the first two days of school because of a nasty sprained ankle.
• Week Two: School was closed on Monday thanks to Hurricane Hillary; and then Wednesday was a half-day for Back to School Night.
• Week Three: And here we are with Pippa’s allergies on Thursday.

Next week is Labor Day, so I’m feeling like I’ll never have a week with both kids at school for five straight days. That there will always be something popping up to mess with my schedule and that it will always be this way, forever and ever.

I could resist this way of thinking and give myself a cheerful pep talk. Don’t worry, Courtney! You’ll have several weeks in a row with healthy, injury-free kids and you’ll get plenty of time to write, exercise, and clean the house.

Or, I could embrace it.

This is my current season of life with a fourth-grader and a first-grader. They get sick. Shit happens. Again and again. I could give myself pep talks and pretend like I’m nearly through the rough patch and then it will be sunshine and dancing bunnies, or I could put on my big girl pants and accept that between Pippa and Julian, I’ll have sick children home at least twenty days during the 2023-24 school year. At least twenty times, I’ll have to cancel plans and rearranged my schedule and delay a trip to the grocery store because one of my babies is sick.

So why don’t I plan for that? Just accept the fact that having a child home sick every week or two is normal, and that having both kids in school for five days straight is a luxury. Let me rejoice in the fact that as a stay-at-home mom/writer, I can stay home and let my kids get the rest and recuperation they need.

Going forward, this is my new mindset:

• The kids will get sick and be home at random times throughout the year. Perfect attendance is a myth. A week with both kids at school for five days straight is a blessing, but I don’t need it. I can stay sane and get shit done while having one or two children underfoot.
• When Pippa and/or Julian are home, we will watch a movie together. (Today Pippa and I watched The Hunger Games.)
• But if I’m well, I’ll also clean the house while they watch YouTube and movies and rest. If the house is immaculate, I’ll declutter.
• If I’m not well, I’ll double down on resting and we can watch a second movie together.
• If possible, I’ll also spend an hour or two working on my novel. Honestly, the kids don’t want me up their butts every minute, even if they are home with allergies or sprained ankles.

With that new mindset, I’m going to work on revisions and then clean the kitchen!

p.s. The house is never immaculate, so I’ll never be short of things to do when the kids are home with allergies, viruses, and sprained ankles.

I only finished four books this month – well, only four that I’m logging on Goodreads. Julian has been reading a lot to me – first we finished the Cat Kid Comics series and now we are onto the Cat Ninja graphic novel series. So I guess we are obsessed with comic cats? Ooh, I should introduce him to Garfield!

I’m also reading A Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, the Hunger Games prequel, out loud to Pippa. But since I read that when it first came out, I’m not counting it toward my goal of reading a 100 books in 2023.

These are the four books that do count toward my goal:

I love Liane Moriarty’s work, and this book was no exception. It’s about a family of tennis players and the drama that enfolds when mom disappears. I played tennis as a kid but stopped in my early twenties, and this novel inspired me to sign up for tennis lessons. Lots of satisfying twists and turns and interesting perspectives from a multitude of characters.

I listened to the audiobook for this one and it opened my eyes to the sensation of awe, and I’m already scheming ways to incorporate “awe” into my life with my 24 in ’24 project. It’s a well-written and entertaining read. Or listen. I might need the hardcover so I can study it and take some notes.

Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorites, and I have a soft spot for books that continue the story. This one is the Mary Bennet redemption story that I did not know I needed. I read the paperback, and it was a slow read, taking about three weeks from start to finish. The first 100 pages felt a bit like a homework assignment for an English class, but then I fell in love with Mary and now I’m afraid to reread Pride and Prejudice. Will I be angry at Jane Austen for treating Mary so cruelly? Or will this novel deepen my experience with the original text? I highly recommend this one to all Jane Austen fans.

Last but not least, I read The Lady From the Black Lagoon for my book club. We take turns picking the monthly selection, and this book would never have been on my radar. I’m not a horror fan, and I’ve never seen the Creature from the Black Lagoon, but I LOVED this book. It’s a biography that beautifully blends history, feminism and the author’s own experiences as a producer of horror movies. I listened to the audiobook, read by the author, and really enjoyed it.

That’s it for August reading! I’ve read 68 books so far this year, and I’m 2 books ahead of schedule for my 100 book goal. I didn’t devour as many books this month as I usually do, but I loved the ones I did read and that’s what really matters.

in mid-July, I decided to take a 90 day break from refined sugar to see how that affected my PMS and overall health. The refined sugar moratorium has been going well, but I did have a cupcake last week.

Actually, I had two.

We spent the day at home two Sundays ago, because Hurricane Hilary was making Southern California lose its mind. Pippa baked these Oreo cupcakes that she has been wanting to make for months. She baked them from scratch with almost no help from me. All I did was get our ancient oven to the right temperature and take out the cupcakes when they were done.

First, I told her I was not tasting the cupcakes because I’m on a break for sugar. She was disappointed but understood.

Then, I relented and said I’d have a taste. A nibble. After all, she worked so hard on them.

But by the time the cupcakes were ready, I resolved to eat as much as I wanted because if I try to abstain from refined sugar for the rest of my life, I’ll go crazy, binge on all the sugar, and make myself have an epic PMS hangover again. One or two cupcakes were not going to destroy my health.

I had two cupcakes, and they were DELICIOUS. My ten-year-old is becoming quite the accomplished baker!

But that was it. I slept fine that night, and I haven’t craved refined sugar since that indulgence. A friend remarked that I have incredible willpower, but honestly, I don’t. When it comes to refined sugar, I am exercising zero self-control. It’s just that I ate so much refined sugar during our summer trip to Nebraska, and I experienced such horrible PMS, that now stuff turns me off. Yesterday I went to a frozen yogurt shop and there was one No Sugar Added option. I had it and did not pine after the other flavors, because I don’t want to risk any more refined sugar during this menstrual cycle.

So I broke the moratorium, but that’s fine, because this isn’t about meeting some arbitrary standard or deadline. This is about me building a strong, healthy mind-body connection, and last week, that connection told me to have a cupcake. Now it’s telling me to abstain from refined sugar until I get my period and my hormones hit the reset button. Maybe I’ll have refined sugar twice during my next cycle. Or not at all. I’m playing around and paying attention so I can learn what’s best for my body and rebuild my mind-body connection one day at a time.

It’s been over a year since I recorded a podcast episode! Eep! But I’m ba-ack. And although it took several tries, I’m so proud of myself for including the adorable widget so you can play the episode right here if you fancy.

In this episode, I catch you up on the past year of my life. Long story short: I volunteered for too many things, and then my dad had some serious health issues. This led to some epic burnout, so my intentions for the upcoming school year are to (a) volunteer way less and (b) take the time to heal. 

The first book I mentioned during this show is Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, by Greg McKeown. It’s one of my absolute favorites.

The second book I mentioned is MY FIRST NOVEL. Yep, I published my novel. You should read it. Confessions Of An Imposter Room Mom, by ME, is available as a paperback and e-book on Amazon and as an e-book in all the usual places.

Thanks for listening! And reading! And for being generally awesome.

This is my sixth year as a mom with kids in elementary school, and I’ve finally mastered Back to School Night.

Step One: Leave the kids and husband at home. (Nathan is a very involved dad but back when Pippa started preschool, we decided Back to School Night does not warrant the hassle of a babysitter. I attend and report back. He feeds the kids’ dinner and pretends to pay attention when I tell him about the curriculum.)

Step Two: Ditch the opening speeches in the auditorium. I attended this the first couple of years and was amazed by how few parents showed up for this segment of Back to School Night. Now I know why. Our auditorium does not have air conditioning, turning it into a sauna in August (no thanks). The principal gives a canned speech about how its going to be an amazing year and please make sure your kids come to school. The PTA President begs parents to volunteer for shit. The Fundraising Parents-in-Chief implore us to donate money. I don’t need to give up a half hour of my life to hear this spiel again.

Step Three: Attend the session with Pippa’s fifth grade teacher and listen to his spiel, nod occasionally, and sneak a peek inside Pippa’s desk. DO NOT ASK THE TEACHER HOW I CAN VOLUNTEER IN THE CLASSROOM.

Step Four: Attend the session with Julian’s second grade teacher and flip through the curriculum packet. Exchange a few jokes with teacher because he already taught Pippa (first and second grade) and we survived distance learning together, so this year is going to be a dream. Look through Julian’s writing journal and marvel at how well he is doing, considering how this time last year, he couldn’t read. DO NOT ASK THE TEACHER HOW I CAN VOLUNTEER IN THE CLASSROOM. Instead, ask if he wants some soccer balls that I have from last year’s misguided AYSO coaching ordeal.

Step Five: When the principal comes on the intercom and announces that Back to School Night is over, get up and leave. Do not engage second grade teacher in unnecessary small talk. He wants to go home. I want to go home. Everyone gets to go home.

Step Six: Eat husband’s leftover buffalo dip while standing up at the kitchen island, like an animal, because it is delicious and you are hungry.

Step Seven: Leave handouts in purse, where they can languish for several weeks, until I rediscover them, crumpled and alarmingly sticky, with at least one raisin stuck to their pages.

The End.

p.s. Next year, Pippa starts middle school, so I’m sure I’ll go back to nerd mode and attend ALL OF THE PRESENTATIONS but this year, I reveled in the glory of being a laidback mom at Back to School Night.