It’s the first day of fall, and the kids don’t have school, so we took a walk at Descanso Gardens and reveled in the change of seasons.

It’s the perfect place for rambling with kids. There are lots of paths through wooded areas, and the kids felt like adventurers, wandering down unmarked paths–and I didn’t have to worry about getting lost in the woods and becoming a story on the evening news. (Area Mom and two children last seen in Angeles Forest; hope wanes as rescuers call off their search for the night.)

(I would not do well if I ever got lost in the forest and had to spend the night sheltering beneath a tree with my kids.)

The leaves have not yet changed color, but I spotted early signs of summer’s decay. I renewed our membership at Descanso, which was a good choice, because within two minutes of our arrival, they were both begging to come back soon.

I have a pocket full of acorns, and my heart is full from our time in nature. Our walk at Descanso was the perfect way to welcome the first day of autumn and methinks this will become a lovely annual tradition.

After lunch, I read the kids a couple of fall poems. They humored me, and actually seemed to enjoy the poems; but after two, they were DONE. But I sat and quietly read one more poem by Keats, and man, I forgot how much I enjoy poetry. I loved it when I was in elementary school, but my high school teachers beat the joy out of it, and then my college creative writing professor took the mangled remains of my joy out into a dark alley and shot it in the head.

Okaaaaaay, maybe I’ve been listening to an unhealthy amount of true crime podcasts.

But to recap: nature is magical, and poetry is too, and I’m so glad we intentionally and consciously marked the autumn equinox. My inner Druid is satisfied.

Autumn is here! First, I reflect on ways to welcome the change of seasons. This is what I’m planning to try tomorrow:

• Take the kids on a nature walk and look for signs of summer leaving and autumn arriving. Hopefully we can find some acorns and pinecones. Update: we went to Descanso and found acorns!
• Bust out my pumpkin scrub and pumpkin body butter from Trader Joes and enjoy the fall aromas during my shower while scrubbing away that dead summer skin.
• Read a few autumn poems.

Then, since it’s autumn, of course I need a new bucket list:

• Here’s my thought process about why a Fall Bucket List is good for me.
• Here’s my Fall 2023 Bucket List
• And here’s my Fall JOMO List, all the things I will NOT be doing this year (or possibly ever)

Finally, the book I keep mentioning is Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski. It is soooo freaking good. I’m nearly done and excited to reread all the passages I highlighted.

Have a lovely Autumn Equinox!

Yesterday I shared my 2023 Fall Bucket List. Today, I’d like to share the things that are NOT going on the list this year.

1. Any pumpkin-spiced drinks at Starbucks. I’m cutting back on refined sugar and caffeine, so I I’m just not craving these drinks. (Sacrilege, I know.)
2. Any of the Halloween events at Disneyland.Too damn crowded, and too freaking expensive.
3. Apple picking at an orchard. We have our own apple tree.
4. Go on a hayride. Waaaaaay too itchy, thank you very much.

5. Go to a football game. I don’t need to cheer while men batter each other and damage their brains.

6. Bake pumpkin seeds. The kids have made me try this so many times, and they never taste good.

7. Read a spooky ghost story. My tolerance for ghost stories is very, very low. I can basically handle Casper. Anything else keeps me up all night.

8. Diffuse fall oils. Essential oils are not my jam.

9. Gorge myself on candy corn. I’m too old to handle that much sweetness.

10. Visit a haunted house. My kids are just a little too young. My 7-year-old especially. We’ll save this for when they are teenagers (and by then, they won’t want to do things with me, but I can always force my husband to go.)

Ok, technically it’s a few more days until autumn officially starts, but the temps have been dropping and neighbors are setting up their Halloween decorations, so I’m ready for my 2023 Fall Bucket List.

1. Visit Universal Studios. The kids and I have passes and we are slightly obsessed, so of course we need to see Hogwarts decked for the holidays. We went on Friday, October 13 and had an amazing time BUT HOGWARTS WAS NOT DECORATED FOR HALLOWEEN. NO EXTRA PUMPKINS, NO COBWEBS, NADA. There were some Halloween decorations up for their Horror Nights, but the Halloween vibes were very low-key. Oh well, we still adore the park and can’t wait to return.
2. Underwood Family Farms Harvest Festival. I’ve been taking the kids for several years and it’s one of our favorite traditions. We pick pumpkins, wander the corn maze, make crafts, and of course, watch the pig race. Another important tradition? Leaving Nathan at home. There’s almost no shade, and the man is part-vampire, plus he grew up in rural Nebraska. His dad’s a farmer. This event just drains him, so he stays home and does whatever, and we cavort with pumpkins. We went Sunday, October 1 and had a grand festive time. We started with face painting, ended with making scarecrows, and did just about everything else in between.
3. Trick-or-treating. Pippa already has her Mockingjay costume, and we are working on getting Julian a “black Spiderman” costume. How many more years will both kids want to harass neighbors for candy?
4. Visit the houses on Algeria in Sierra Madre BEFORE Halloween. The city of Sierra Madre takes Halloween very seriously, and this particular street takes it to a new level. We went there on Halloween 2021 and the kids were overwhelmed by the crowds. I still have a little PTSD. This year, we are going after school and wandering the street to admire the decorations before the big day.
5. Carve pumpkins.
6. Let the kids “blow up” the pumpkins with baking soda and vinegar after Halloween.
7. Take the kids to see The Nightmare Before Christmas at the El Capitan theater. (This is a reach. It’s only there for a short time and we have soccer, but maybe I can make it happen.)
8. Carved at Descanso.
9. Bake with pumpkin.
10. Decorate the house for Halloween. Done! We have a couple extra decorations I ordered from Amazon that are yet to go up because it’s been over 90 every day and I just can’t. But the house is festive and the kids had a blast helping me set everything up. They are Jedi Masters at covering our hedge with fake cobwebs.
11. Attend our elementary school’s carnival.
12. Go to Nebraska for Thanksgiving. (Flights have been reserved. Very excited to make this happen and create more memories with our kids.)
13. Bake a pie from scratch.
14. Take photos of fall foliage.
15. Pick apples from our tree and make apple muffins and applesauce.
16. Rake leaves. I made my first assault against the leaves on 10/15, but our trees are still full of leaves. There are many more raking sessions in my future.
17. Go on a family hike.
18. Give the kids an amigurumi ghost. (These are 99% finished. Just need to attach the bows and then give them on October 1. Pippa spotted me working on these and knows something is up, but I really want to wait for October 1.) I did this and the kids LOVE their ghosts. They sleep with them and over two weeks later, they are still thanking me for them. Talk about ultimate crafting satisfaction.

That’s plenty for now! I’m sure my Pinterest obsession will give me more ideas as Halloween and Thanksgiving approach.

My Dilemma: I love bucket lists but I am in a season of slowing down, healing, and savoring life. Can I have a Fall Bucket List and still heal from PTA Burnout?

Me: Create the Fall Bucket List. If you write all your ideas in one place, you won’t feel compelled to think about them all the time. You’ll reclaim the headspace.

Also me: But if I make a Fall Bucket list, that makes experiences that are supposed to be fun seem like items on a To Do list.

Me: So?

Also me: Then I’ll have a false sense of urgency and feel anxious about creating the perfect autumn for the kids.

Me: Or maybe, it’s about prioritizing. If you put it on the Fall Bucket List, it’s important. Then you’ll remember you can’t volunteer for a hundred things because you want to slow down and savor this autumn.

Also me: Are you just trying to justify the creating of a bucket list?

Me: Are you overthinking this?

Also me: We are supposed to be slowing down! Healing!

Me: I enjoy bucket lists about things I want to do. Why are you depriving me of this pleasure?

Also me: Because I don’t want unnecessary stress!

Me: You know what’s unnecessary stress? You overanalyzing the desire to have a Fall Bucket List.

Also me: You have a point.

Me: I enjoy projects and lists. For the first time in forever, I don’t have to organize soccer teams or room parents and hustle to get volunteers at carnivals and I want to savor the shit out of autumn.

Also Me: I want to savor the shit out of autumn, too, but I also want to heal from burnout.

Me: This is healing. You know what sucks? Running yourself ragged to satisfy the demands of the patriarchy, hustling for approval, striving for perfection. You know what doesn’t suck? PUMPKINS.

Also me: [taking a moment to tune in with my gut] You’re right. Let’s have a Fall Bucket List!

p.s. Here’s the 2023 Fall Bucket List.

First: I finally settled on a name for my second novel.

Could I get a drum roll?

Thank you! The title for the second volume of The Motherhood Circus series is…

Revisions are coming along nicely. Sometimes it feels like I do not have much left to do and other times, I feel overwhelmed by the items still on my To Do list. This is my current action plan for everything I need to do before I send my novel into the world:

• Excessive Details Pass: Tighten up the amount of details I give about characters and setting. During the first draft, I tend to skip the descriptive parts and then in later drafts, I go back in and flesh out the characters and setting. My editor pointed out that I sometimes get carried away and stuff in too many details, so I need to go back and fix that.
• Syntax Pass: I need to take a look at the length of my sentences and make sure I balance long sentences with short ones.
• Go through The Novel Editing Workbook to make sure I didn’t miss any big revisions.
• Proofreading Pass on Prowriting Aid
• Take a long break from the novel. I have plans to use this time to do fun shit. And by “fun shit,” I mean finish decluttering the damn house. But hopefully I’ll also have the time for a few hikes, some arts and crafts projects, and a trip or two to a museum. I’m aiming for at least a two week break, and if I can stand it, an entire month.
• Design the cover. I can actually start working on this now that I’ve finally settled on a title. I am allowed to work on this during the above-mentioned break.
• Another Prowriting Aid Pass. Maybe. At some point, this does more harm than good.
• Read the novel out loud.
• Format thinks like text messages and emails.
• Format for publication on Vellum.
• Publish!

Eep! I don’t want to jinx myself, but I think I’ll be able to go on break from my novel in mid-October and then, fingers crossed, publish it before the kids go on Christmas vacation.

Right now, I’m feeling good about my novel. Tomorrow, I might hate it. Then I’ll love it, and back and forth, until I finally can hit publish and stop thinking about the damn thing.

First, a perimenopause update! At the beginning of this episode, I noted that it was Day 37 of my cycle, but my period arrived as soon as I finished recording this episode so woot woot, it’s Day 1! But alas, this means that menopause remains a distant dream…

Now, the actual episode. This quote in Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle really explains what I’ve been grappling with:

Most of us have spent our whole lives being taught to believe everyone else’s opinions about our bodies, rather than to believe what our own bodies are trying to tell us. For some of us, it’s been so long since we listened to our bodies, we hardly know how to start understanding what they’re trying to tell us, much less how to trust and believe what they’re saying.

Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle, by Emily nagoski and amelia nagoski, pg. 186.

Diet culture and the media taught me that my body is not right and I don’t know how to take care of it. Honestly, I might have to write a book about this someday.

The enneagram and hot yoga helped me realize that my body-mind connection was damaged.

If you are curious about the enneagram, I recommend The Road Back To You: An Enneagram Journey To Self-Discovery. I’ve read it twice, plus read other enneagram books and listened to enneagram podcasts, and it has taken me about four years to figure out that I’m a 5 on the enneagram. As a 5, I feel really comfortable in my mind, but can retreat there too much, and this helped me realize my body-mind connection was practically nonexistent.

This epiphany helped me reestablish my body-mind connection and start rebuilding that relationship. Here’s what helping me rebuild a strong body-mind connection:

• Meditation: I love the Calm app and body scans.
• Hot Yoga! From the first class, when I thought I might die from the heat, to now, as I make subtle adjustments to get deeper into the pose, this practice really connects me with every fiber of my body.
• Journaling. I write dialogues with my body. Back and forth scripts, conversations between Me and My Body. It started out feeling very hokey and awkward, but now it’s natural and easy, and I find myself talking with my body throughout the day.

This is a journey and I’m just at the beginning of it, but I’m so glad I shared what I have learned so far on my podcast.

I started writing a post about the possibility that our school district might close elementary schools, and my kids’ school might be on the chopping block (again), but I got so bored, I had to abandon it. I was going to write about “living with uncertainty” and “embracing change” but fuck it. That just feels too tedious. I want to write something joyful and uplifting, so these are 10 things currently making me incredibly happy:

1. Tennis lessons! Today was week 3, and we started serving.
2. The weather forecast: September in Pasadena can be brutally hot, but the highest temp in our 10 day forecast is 83. It’s humid AF but I’ll take it.
3. There are pumpkins at Trader Joe’s.
4. Playing around with AI to make this Avocado Superhero. The eye mask is perfection.

5. Pippa doesn’t have homework tonight! Which means she won’t be stressing over school work after volleyball practice.

6. Right now, Julian is riding his scooter back and forth down our block and waves at me whenever he passes our house.

7. I cleaned our living room and it feels so pleasant. I had several paintings that the kids made at art class lined up on windowsills and I put them away and the light has so much more light now.

8. The audiobook Clytemnestra by Costanza Casati. I love retellings of Greek myths, and this one is excellent.

9. One more AI image of porcupines having a birthday party (and now I want to create a picture book or graphic novel with AI)

10. Listening to my kids practice the piano.

It’s Day 35 of my cycle, and I am in the midst of some epic PMS. I feel an undercurrent of edgy hormones, but I can handle that. It’s the insomnia that’s a bitch.

My PMS insomnia is not nearly as bad as my PPD insomnia. Over a decade ago, when I had postpartum depression, I’d only get three hours sleep for two or three nights, and then I’d get about six hours sleep. Right now, I’m sleeping well every other night; on my bad night, I get at least five hours of sleep. I feel ragged and worn out, but it could be worse.

But it could also be better! In the past, my psychiatrist has suggested I take a higher dose of Zoloft toward the end of my cycle. I’ve pish-poshed that idea in the past, but I’m going to talk to her about this option during our next appointment. In the meantime, I’m going to try a few more things to hopefully reduce the PMS insomnia:

• No more Keto ice cream. I have eaten very little refined sugar since mid-July, but during this past menstrual cycle, I started eating Keto ice cream at night. Now, the Keto ice cream I buy does not have any added refined sugars, but it does have 10 grams of sugar alcohol. I probably shouldn’t be consuming that every day, especially close to bedtime. It’s great that I’ve practically eliminated refined sugar from my diet, but now I want to pay attention to other ways sugar messes with my wellness.
• I will wean off caffeine. Today I’m down to 49 ounces of Coke Zero per day. Progress! I’ve been reducing my Coke Zero intake by one ounce every couple of days (starting at 84 ounces on August 14), but I’d like to accelerate this journey and reduce by two ounces every day. Then I’ll be caffeine-free in less than a month. I’ve got to get this shit out of my system.
• I will lay off the decaf coffee. I’ve been drinking iced decaf coffee in the afternoon and even though it’s decaffeinated, there’s still a little caffeine in it. I know I’m sensitive to caffeine, so as of today, I’m switching to herbal tea, which is completely caffeine free.

As I do these things, I’ll pay attention to how I feel and see whether these changes improve my PMS insomnia. If so, great! If not, then I’ll discuss playing around with my Zoloft dosage with my psychiatrist, and I’ll also read up on other possible remedies.

Or maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll never get my period again and in a year minus 35 days, I’ll hit menopause and dismount the hormonal rollercoaster! Yes, I’m only 44 years old, but a girl can dream.

Soccer season officially started in Pasadena last week with my kids’ first practices and games. And oh, it was so sweet and civilized, because I’m not coaching or ref’ing.

Nathan took Pippa to her practice last week, letting me stay home and relax with Julian. Then I took Julian to his practice, but instead of wrangling a mob of wild boys, I got to sit in my camping chair and talk with a friend while working on a cross stitch project. So relaxing!

On game day, I got to focus on my kids and not worry about crappy AYSO volunteering responsibilities. I sat in the shade on my camping chair with Nathan during both kids’ games and soaked up the fresh air. And best of all, I was not wearing a fluorescent yellow referee shirt or the shiny red coaching polo.

But then, I started thinking, Should I volunteer to make the team banner? And then, what if I need to referee again next year?

Ah, those intrusive anxious thoughts!

On the matter of the team banner, I told myself, I’m happy to donate money to the banner but I’m not wasting my time and creative energy on something unnecessary. I played AYSO soccer for many, many years and I do not remember a single team banner which means (a) my teams never had a banner and I lived to tell the tale or (b) we had team banners but they did not leave a lasting impression.

Once upon a time, an AYSO parent had the fun idea to make a banner for their kids’ soccer team. I hope that original banner involved a lot of felt and glitter and sequins. It was probably a really fun craft project. But now, at least in our league, the AYSO higher ups tout banners as a team necessity, and the whole business feels a bit competitive in the spirit of Keeping Up With the Joneses. My kids’ teams have never had a banner, and they have not been traumatized; so I’m not going to be guilted into making a banner just because other teams have one. Of course, if my inner muse was excited by the prospect of unleashing my crafty self on a team banner, that would be a different matter, but right now, my creative juices are flowing into the revision of my novel, blogging, podcasting, crochet and cross stitch.

I should note that two years ago, Pippa’s team was called the Silver Zebras, and I ordered an inflatable zebra from Amazon to be their team mascot. My kids named it Percy and Percy made me laugh. I think he’s still in the garage and one of these days, I should inflate him and leave him out while the kids are the sleeping.

On the matter of being a referee again next year, I told myself, That’s a year away! And if I don’t want to ref for AYSO again, then I do not have to ref for AYSO again. Those yellow florescent referee shirts really do not do my complexion any favors.

For now, I’m just going to savor the sweet joy of a civilized soccer season. Next season is far away, but I suspect that my AYSO volunteer days are in the past.

Though if anyone needs an inflatable zebra, I can hook you up.